Why the excuses?
'Cleaning' seems to hold the majority of women back from doing things that are good for them.
It's like they're brought up with this idea that as a girl you are meant to be cheeky and a tease, as a lady you're meant to be charming and a super woman; the girl that blossomed into 'I-can-do-everything-without-any-help-at-all-woman'. And as a woman woman you're meant to suddenly realise that you had it all wrong and you feel like you cant be seen as that, so you start blaming other people (usually the husband) that they never help you (even though you always basically said that you didn't need help) and you put this ahead of what really matters- your overall happiness.
It isn't always the case, but most often it is a middle aged woman's weight and physical image that is the problem, it rubs onto her self esteem and she puts it onto others.
It was (most likely) definitely not your hasband's fault that you forgot to walk the kids to school and run back instead of driving 1km, nor was it his fault that when you went out with friends, your love handles were bulging out of those granny-pants that were sold to you by a very talented, attractive young woman who is still in the 'super woman' era.
After years of this, it's no wonder a man can end up feeling useless. He cant clean the kitchen pans properly, put the pegs on the right places, cook well or be the slightest bit helpful when it comes to new technology.
Things have changed dramatically biologically and mentally for you, but not for your husband. He's probably the same man he was when you met him; it's not his fault he will still crave sex until the age of 85 to the same extent that he did when he was 20. So what is really the problem here? His 20 year old penis or your degrading attitude towards fitness?
If your family encourages you to work out with them, don't say you don't have time or that 'you know you need to lose weight' and then don't do anything about it!
Stop cleaning that mirror! Your kids have moved out, your friends have probably too little eye sight to see the petty splatters of toothpaste and your husband probably doesn't look in it for very long or very hard. You're the only one that pays attention and it's costing you your self esteem.
Wiping that mirror is not going to wipe away the flabby stomach! Wiping your forehead after a kick-boxing class will!
So listen, stop making excuses! Whether or not you're single, saddle up and prepare for a ride of your life.. the one that will pounce on you as soon as you start caring about your body!
You know you want that extra kick of energy, immune response, self esteem, metabolism, bodily brilliance and happiness!
So hit the gym ladies, go to the beach for a swim, be on top more often or get dancing with your friends!!
YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Beautiful Pizza
Warm and crunchy, beautifully blended flavours and textures
The silky eggplant bottom with juicy green basil leaves, delicate cheese grazing over the sweet cherry fields.
Hot chilli seeds sneaking their way under the sunshine coating of mozzarella and the bursting richness in my mouth, each and every bite.
Small chocolate pocket, a sweet sensual burn
the gooey cocoa spilling through the fire sunken seams
white drooling sugar, from my mouth breathed cool vanilla ice cream
The silky eggplant bottom with juicy green basil leaves, delicate cheese grazing over the sweet cherry fields.
Hot chilli seeds sneaking their way under the sunshine coating of mozzarella and the bursting richness in my mouth, each and every bite.
Small chocolate pocket, a sweet sensual burn
the gooey cocoa spilling through the fire sunken seams
white drooling sugar, from my mouth breathed cool vanilla ice cream
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
An Opinion Really Is, Only An Opinion.
There is an expanding network of emotionally-repressed, self-ignorant people in our society.
I'm talking about the one and only 'indies'. But not the cool indies, but the indies that believe 'cool' indies are not cool for thinking that being indie is cool, therefore they are subsequently cool(er).
or at least they think that's the case, denying it, at the very back of their minds it sits there.. against the scraped, crickety wall that they continue to paint on rich colours and experimental sedatives so that the bulging, rotten wood of their emotions doesn't collapse, and ruin the mere thought of themselves in another's head.
I have a friend; this time last year we were best friends and here I'll call him butter because there is a packet of butter-menthols next to me and it's a discrete code name.
Butter and I don't talk as much as we once did those seasons ago.
Maybe it has gotten worse or maybe I've grown a part to see the violence.
Him and I have organised a sleep-over night, a 'girls night' he said. Full of 'bitching', 'eating healthy food', 'bitching', 'sex in the city' and 'bitching!' So clearly the lives of other people of which will most probably be the lives of his friends will be scolded at and have comments-that he would only share with an distant outsider and never close to their face-made about them.
Thats fine. Really it is. If thats how he is at this point in his life, that's his journey and I'm in no position to place my opinion as higher and more correct than his.
Butter also states on his blog website (not to quote for safety reasons) ''most people in my grade have the mental capacity of an insect'' and "I hate it when someone does an accent and doesn't at all sound like the real thing".
However, on his blog, are thousands of pictures. One recently uploaded is this one,
I'm talking about the one and only 'indies'. But not the cool indies, but the indies that believe 'cool' indies are not cool for thinking that being indie is cool, therefore they are subsequently cool(er).
or at least they think that's the case, denying it, at the very back of their minds it sits there.. against the scraped, crickety wall that they continue to paint on rich colours and experimental sedatives so that the bulging, rotten wood of their emotions doesn't collapse, and ruin the mere thought of themselves in another's head.
I have a friend; this time last year we were best friends and here I'll call him butter because there is a packet of butter-menthols next to me and it's a discrete code name.
Butter and I don't talk as much as we once did those seasons ago.
Maybe it has gotten worse or maybe I've grown a part to see the violence.
Him and I have organised a sleep-over night, a 'girls night' he said. Full of 'bitching', 'eating healthy food', 'bitching', 'sex in the city' and 'bitching!' So clearly the lives of other people of which will most probably be the lives of his friends will be scolded at and have comments-that he would only share with an distant outsider and never close to their face-made about them.
Thats fine. Really it is. If thats how he is at this point in his life, that's his journey and I'm in no position to place my opinion as higher and more correct than his.
Butter also states on his blog website (not to quote for safety reasons) ''most people in my grade have the mental capacity of an insect'' and "I hate it when someone does an accent and doesn't at all sound like the real thing".
However, on his blog, are thousands of pictures. One recently uploaded is this one,
To me, this seems to symbolise the nature of a Buddha and the energy and connection he holds with world and all life. Of course it is open to interpretation, however a picture such as this usually involves a fair amount of depth and meaning rather than a nice, colourful picture that shows a person sitting on a stool in the middle of a jungle- thats just my guess.
Now to start with, if this picture does hold more meaning and represents the nature of a Buddha to Butter and it is in his initiative to show it on his blog, you would think he would somewhat agree with what is being depicted or at least understand the point.
Assuming this is the case, is it not foolish of him to be so distasted by wrong accents rather than accepting them?
Assuming this isn't the case, is it not foolish of him to compare people to something will such low mental capacities- or at least that is what may be believed- before taking a look in the mirror and seeing his own faults?
Of course many of us do this to some extent. I for one know I have been in similar positions and still do, say and believe paradoxical things.
Maybe I won't say he is wrong, because he isn't, not really.
It's not really him that gets to me, its the wide group of people like Butter that hate so many things yet come across like they are free-loving, peaceful, human beings full of love and kindness. But it's not even striving to be that but not yet there; it's liking the idea of what it is to be that sort of person and displaying it in clothes, colours, pictures, books and recreational activities just because other people-that are closer to being the 'alpha male' than they are- do the same thing. And this sort of behavior is the constant dripping of red paint from that scraped rickety wall that just won't stick onto that bulging, rusted wood.
I'm not psychologist, mind reader, spiritual healer or anything of the like, but I think these people need to do some expressing out in the open.
I don't like to see a large group of people get shut down so ridiculously when there are many things a person can do to better oneself.
and of course that goes for me too.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Passionfruit Creme Brulee
Although having already eaten a huge chunky piece of chocolate mud cake (the sort you know has more calories than your daily requirements), last night I went to a restaurant with my parents for desert.
I don't go out with my parents that often anymore and my dad never announces dining for desert, so I wasn't about to pass up the chance to go to a nice restaurant and get a fancy treat. Hey, you only live once.
I walked past the sparkling chilled shelf, my eye grabbed onto the small lemon meringue pie; it's dusted glimmering, swirling cone like dancing thick cream on top of thick buttery pastry. My decision had been made.
I opened the menu in front of me and flicked to the desert section, 'Passionfruit Creme Brulee'.
There it was, dazzling on the hard glossy paper, calling me to sink into it's creamy depths. My decision had been made, again.
On the television I had seen people holding their spoon ready and then cracking the glassy caramel coating, I imitated them and felt the love they had described. The passionfruit pulp relaxed, in a pool of cool, thick vanillary cream inside the cracked top, I didn't waste a moment- this wouldn't be something easily forgotten.
It was more the texture than the flavour of the dish; extremely smooth and yolky, the hard caramel glaze on the surface complimented a perfect contrast, passionfruit gave it a subtle twang of sourness and the rich vanilla ice cream in a bowl to the side added that little extra richness.
Look forward to some beautiful creme brulee's by me in the future :)
photo by Katzzii
I don't go out with my parents that often anymore and my dad never announces dining for desert, so I wasn't about to pass up the chance to go to a nice restaurant and get a fancy treat. Hey, you only live once.
I walked past the sparkling chilled shelf, my eye grabbed onto the small lemon meringue pie; it's dusted glimmering, swirling cone like dancing thick cream on top of thick buttery pastry. My decision had been made.
I opened the menu in front of me and flicked to the desert section, 'Passionfruit Creme Brulee'.
There it was, dazzling on the hard glossy paper, calling me to sink into it's creamy depths. My decision had been made, again.
On the television I had seen people holding their spoon ready and then cracking the glassy caramel coating, I imitated them and felt the love they had described. The passionfruit pulp relaxed, in a pool of cool, thick vanillary cream inside the cracked top, I didn't waste a moment- this wouldn't be something easily forgotten.
It was more the texture than the flavour of the dish; extremely smooth and yolky, the hard caramel glaze on the surface complimented a perfect contrast, passionfruit gave it a subtle twang of sourness and the rich vanilla ice cream in a bowl to the side added that little extra richness.
Look forward to some beautiful creme brulee's by me in the future :)
photo by Katzzii
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Pure Fruit
I haven't written since september and already it's mid october.
Last week I tried the most amazing fruit bread I have ever eaten.
I don't usually enjoy fruit bread, but this was a dark, nutty mountain of flavour that left me wanting more but not being able to fit it in; Pure Fruit.
For the first time in months, I woke up cold continuously throughout the night. Tried to wrap my blankets around me as tight as I could and let me beautiful honey-golden cat curl up next to me.
Last night I had, had another Pure Fruit as I worked and I craved it again on this bitter, husky morning.
Instead, I sliced open a mango and kissed it's juicy flesh, with sweet syrup dripping at my finger tips. It was a wonderful mango, but the house was too empty to fully bask in the glorious sun-setting orange fruit.
I fell into the jelly of dates and spat out their pips, they were definitely a yang food but too many would ruin their loyal season.
Pure fruit and all-spiced milk
It warmed my insides and sparkled in my mouth.
Crunchy, tingly bread with a heap of dates, figs, almonds, walnuts, prunes, currents and a dash of subtle cocoa to bring it all together.
Right from the heart of PureBread Bakery
Last week I tried the most amazing fruit bread I have ever eaten.
I don't usually enjoy fruit bread, but this was a dark, nutty mountain of flavour that left me wanting more but not being able to fit it in; Pure Fruit.
For the first time in months, I woke up cold continuously throughout the night. Tried to wrap my blankets around me as tight as I could and let me beautiful honey-golden cat curl up next to me.
Last night I had, had another Pure Fruit as I worked and I craved it again on this bitter, husky morning.
Instead, I sliced open a mango and kissed it's juicy flesh, with sweet syrup dripping at my finger tips. It was a wonderful mango, but the house was too empty to fully bask in the glorious sun-setting orange fruit.
I fell into the jelly of dates and spat out their pips, they were definitely a yang food but too many would ruin their loyal season.
Pure fruit and all-spiced milk
It warmed my insides and sparkled in my mouth.
Crunchy, tingly bread with a heap of dates, figs, almonds, walnuts, prunes, currents and a dash of subtle cocoa to bring it all together.
Right from the heart of PureBread Bakery
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Cookie and A Dance
I ate a lot of cookies tonight, probably too many.
They were crunchy on the outside, play-dough like in the centre; the warm mouthfuls flooded my mouth in gooey chocolate pieces and crackly almond flakes. I positioned myself cross legged on the purple mimic-suede and let the sugary dough sprawl around my teeth and tongue lick away the sweet crumbs venturing around my mouth. The gentle light shadowed around the molasses covered crystals, compacted together that I held in a loose grip, pressing lightly on the castery edges, brown and a little bit crumbly.
They could have done with a little less vanilla essence, but for the most part they were just right.
Perhaps it was unwise of me to convince myself that eating the quantity of cookie that I ate, was okay.
and that size, just for one night, didn't matter.
and that I could start a fresh tomorrow morning, take a bath in ruby watermelon, plump strawberries and sparkling orange juice.
I would go dancing the following evening; see blue horizons sail me far into it's bumpy waters, but give me the sight of wondrous creatures, the ones people believed to have no longer existed; the beautiful, vibrant being that swam beneath the ice-thistle edge, until eventually two people sang the whales song, dispersed the built up negativity, and basked in the glorious sunlight, the painted cream upon the silky water's touch.
They were crunchy on the outside, play-dough like in the centre; the warm mouthfuls flooded my mouth in gooey chocolate pieces and crackly almond flakes. I positioned myself cross legged on the purple mimic-suede and let the sugary dough sprawl around my teeth and tongue lick away the sweet crumbs venturing around my mouth. The gentle light shadowed around the molasses covered crystals, compacted together that I held in a loose grip, pressing lightly on the castery edges, brown and a little bit crumbly.
They could have done with a little less vanilla essence, but for the most part they were just right.
Perhaps it was unwise of me to convince myself that eating the quantity of cookie that I ate, was okay.
and that size, just for one night, didn't matter.
and that I could start a fresh tomorrow morning, take a bath in ruby watermelon, plump strawberries and sparkling orange juice.
I would go dancing the following evening; see blue horizons sail me far into it's bumpy waters, but give me the sight of wondrous creatures, the ones people believed to have no longer existed; the beautiful, vibrant being that swam beneath the ice-thistle edge, until eventually two people sang the whales song, dispersed the built up negativity, and basked in the glorious sunlight, the painted cream upon the silky water's touch.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Extra Soft and Chewy Half Vegan Cookies
I think I may have just come across the most delicious cookies ever and I made the recipe pretty much all on my own(I found a recipe and substituted almost everything)
I did have intentions on them being vegan, but the only thing really 'vegan' about them is the substitution of Nutelex from butter.
I used an ice cream scoop to shovel though dough onto the tray so less cooking time is needed for smaller cookies. They spread whilst cooking too.
Makes about 15 decent size cookies
I did have intentions on them being vegan, but the only thing really 'vegan' about them is the substitution of Nutelex from butter.
I used an ice cream scoop to shovel though dough onto the tray so less cooking time is needed for smaller cookies. They spread whilst cooking too.
Makes about 15 decent size cookies
Temperature: Preheat 180ºC
Cooking time: 15 minutes
1 1/2 cup brown sugar firmly packed
11/2 cup plain flour
1/2 cup almond meal
200g Nutelex - Melted(or 185g butter)
1 egg
1 yolk
2 tsp vanilla essence
150g(or about) dark chocolate chopped or chop chips
Pinch of salt
Sift the flour into a large bowl, add sugar, salt and almond meal until ingredients are evenly distributed.
Create a well, pour in vanilla essence, eggs and nutelex and mix.
The mixture will be dark and runny and create almost a ball, leaving the edges of the bowl clean.
Add the chocolate and mix
Scoop onto tray about 10cm apart to allow spreadage. I like that word.
Once the tops are brown and sides partly crispy, take them out and leave to cool for 10 minutes on tray before moving to cooling rack. They should be soft to touch at centre.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Seventh Day of Spring
Early spring’s sun blossomed over the courtyard, the golden light massaged the chapped smiles of winter’s harsh, blizzardry doing and soothed the cracked anger in everybody’s forehead.
People were happier on that 7th day of spring. The scent of fresh tulips and sweet grass sprinkled back memories from previous years and a new sense of peace filled peoples child-like eyes. The breeze remained chilly but buttery chocolate cookies warmed up the pleated uniforms and let the people dance a warm-bellied-dance again. Unfortunately for me, the chocolate cookies; sugary and crisp only made me burp, as had every single other thing I had eaten that day. My heart ached and my chest felt tight, the two cookies I had eaten definitely couldn’t be the cause of the heart burn I was experiencing, especially since it had inhabited me for the whole morning and the day previously. Jade’s smile and muscly legs stretched out, inviting my presence forward; I could have saddled him right at that moment if we weren’t in the middle of school’s courtyard. My knickers were soaked in my moisture, my thighs were unsure of what to make of such a feeling; I set there grabbing his legs near the groin area, being kept away only by the discrete air bursting from my mouth and stomach half wanting to give back the biscuits and cereal I had eaten for lunch.
The signs were there and I could see the worry in Jade's eyes.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Apology and Thanks
I will apologise for not being open, for not finishing what I say in complete, full sentences, for keeping things to myself, for coming across secretive and dishonest and I suppose being like that in general.
I know being like that and doing those things is not right, it definitely isn't what makes a good relationship and I am trying to change. I am changing; whilst saying that, there are reasons as to why I am like this.
I was never close to my mum, from what I have always seen of her she lies, she eliminates the fine details, the important, necessary details and it really shits me, but naturally I take it on either way as a young child.
My father. I didn't fancy my mum, I loved and do love her, but we're not at all friends and we never have been, so I looked towards my father for jokes and friendship, although not that strong I definitely felt a stronger bond with my dad than with my mum and with everybody constantly saying how similar we were in personality, I naturally swung towards more of it. I saw him distance himself in communication, I looked around me and thought that I had a pretty damn good life, my mum never expressed her anger towards this trait of his around me so of course I see nothing wrong with it.
What I did see from my mum was her absence of real gratitude towards my dad, there wasn't any strong bonded love that I could see, I heard her and her friends complain about the men in their lives and grew up with a sister who spent time with plenty of guys and continuously got hurt. So I started listening; guys like time alone sometimes, they're not big talkers and being constantly in their face, questioning, demanding conversation from them is going to end up leaving you a barren woman. I didn't want to end up like that.
Growing up as a teenager, being in relationships, I took on the greatest bit of advice; I was myself. I told the person I loved and was with, everything, and then one day when that person decided they didn't want to be with me anymore and cut me in half, I found out the reason was because I was too clingy and that there are 'somethings you just don't need to tell the other person'. So ironically my next relationship is with someone who is the opposite, they admire honesty and expect me to be completely open. I believe I was like that before my ex. I know it isn't J's problem what I have been through, I know it is completely unfair to him and I shouldn't blame something that happened a year ago on how I act now. but it has made a difference. but I am trying. I am trying to become more honest, and when I am I feel free and alive again, I feel myself. Yet time after time, my wretched absence of openness hurts you and I am not at all proud of it. I want to tell you everything.
so here is the truth,
I irresponsibly assumed you'd figure who I was walking with when I said I was 'walking home'.
I do enjoy his company and walking home alone with a friend 20 meters ahead of me is not something I wanted to do.
I felt like you were purposely trying to keep me from walking with him.
I should have said something, I know I'm in the wrong. I am sorry and I am changing.
I know none of the things I explained above are an excuse for how I am towards you, you deserve nothing of it, you deserve so much better. and I am glad you pull me up on it, I'm very glad, you're elevating my maturity and I'm extremely grateful for that, you're making me a better person every day, the person I always believe myself to be, the person I want to be.
I am sorry.
I know being like that and doing those things is not right, it definitely isn't what makes a good relationship and I am trying to change. I am changing; whilst saying that, there are reasons as to why I am like this.
I was never close to my mum, from what I have always seen of her she lies, she eliminates the fine details, the important, necessary details and it really shits me, but naturally I take it on either way as a young child.
My father. I didn't fancy my mum, I loved and do love her, but we're not at all friends and we never have been, so I looked towards my father for jokes and friendship, although not that strong I definitely felt a stronger bond with my dad than with my mum and with everybody constantly saying how similar we were in personality, I naturally swung towards more of it. I saw him distance himself in communication, I looked around me and thought that I had a pretty damn good life, my mum never expressed her anger towards this trait of his around me so of course I see nothing wrong with it.
What I did see from my mum was her absence of real gratitude towards my dad, there wasn't any strong bonded love that I could see, I heard her and her friends complain about the men in their lives and grew up with a sister who spent time with plenty of guys and continuously got hurt. So I started listening; guys like time alone sometimes, they're not big talkers and being constantly in their face, questioning, demanding conversation from them is going to end up leaving you a barren woman. I didn't want to end up like that.
Growing up as a teenager, being in relationships, I took on the greatest bit of advice; I was myself. I told the person I loved and was with, everything, and then one day when that person decided they didn't want to be with me anymore and cut me in half, I found out the reason was because I was too clingy and that there are 'somethings you just don't need to tell the other person'. So ironically my next relationship is with someone who is the opposite, they admire honesty and expect me to be completely open. I believe I was like that before my ex. I know it isn't J's problem what I have been through, I know it is completely unfair to him and I shouldn't blame something that happened a year ago on how I act now. but it has made a difference. but I am trying. I am trying to become more honest, and when I am I feel free and alive again, I feel myself. Yet time after time, my wretched absence of openness hurts you and I am not at all proud of it. I want to tell you everything.
so here is the truth,
I irresponsibly assumed you'd figure who I was walking with when I said I was 'walking home'.
I do enjoy his company and walking home alone with a friend 20 meters ahead of me is not something I wanted to do.
I felt like you were purposely trying to keep me from walking with him.
I should have said something, I know I'm in the wrong. I am sorry and I am changing.
I know none of the things I explained above are an excuse for how I am towards you, you deserve nothing of it, you deserve so much better. and I am glad you pull me up on it, I'm very glad, you're elevating my maturity and I'm extremely grateful for that, you're making me a better person every day, the person I always believe myself to be, the person I want to be.
I am sorry.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Dates
Dates are one of the finest foods the world has given us, the rich, sweet banana flavour that pours into your mouth with every jelly-like bite. They cast a luxurious sensation throughout your mouth, satisfying every last taste bud.
They are rich in iron and fibre so your nails can grow strong and your bowl and arteries can have a cleansing glimmer. Dates uplift the soul with their containment of vitamin B's so not only do they help fight depression and negative emotions, they also protect heart muscles with their potassium enriched juiciness.
Get your saturday night date on with some fresh dates dipped in cream, they'll boost your sex drive and sustain your energy levels so you can just keep going
Dates are simply jaw-dropping, saliva-spilling, wonderful delicacies; however they might be a little.. boring for muffins.. banana and honey on the hand ;) mm mmm
They are rich in iron and fibre so your nails can grow strong and your bowl and arteries can have a cleansing glimmer. Dates uplift the soul with their containment of vitamin B's so not only do they help fight depression and negative emotions, they also protect heart muscles with their potassium enriched juiciness.
Get your saturday night date on with some fresh dates dipped in cream, they'll boost your sex drive and sustain your energy levels so you can just keep going
Dates are simply jaw-dropping, saliva-spilling, wonderful delicacies; however they might be a little.. boring for muffins.. banana and honey on the hand ;) mm mmm
Saturday, September 4, 2010
foolish
I am so sorry for putting you through what I did, you are the most wonderful person and I treated you so badly. I shouldn't have left you at the front of the school after camp, I shouldn't have acted like ryan felt more hurt than you did, biggest piece of bullshit ever. I love you. I love you. I'm sorry.
I should have appreciated you more, and showed you my love and shown it to the world.
I'm a fool. one stupid, fucking.. fool. im sorry
im so sorry
I want to see you on monday, I want to see you tomorrow, and be happy. and love each other. and I really cant accept the fact that we're over. you mean so much to me, i fell so deeply in love with you, I don't know how I let myself slip away.
I cant not have you in my life. i need you.
I love you
I should have appreciated you more, and showed you my love and shown it to the world.
I'm a fool. one stupid, fucking.. fool. im sorry
im so sorry
I want to see you on monday, I want to see you tomorrow, and be happy. and love each other. and I really cant accept the fact that we're over. you mean so much to me, i fell so deeply in love with you, I don't know how I let myself slip away.
I cant not have you in my life. i need you.
I love you
one day
I wish you would come back
I wish I'd here a knock at the door and we could start over, but this time really start over, forgive each other and start a fresh.
It won't happen. I would love it if you felt the same way, but chances are you don't and I have to deal with what is happening.
I'm preying you call come running, if I call your name out loud.
I wish I'd here a knock at the door and we could start over, but this time really start over, forgive each other and start a fresh.
It won't happen. I would love it if you felt the same way, but chances are you don't and I have to deal with what is happening.
I'm preying you call come running, if I call your name out loud.
Jade, Angelique
For the first time in nine months, I feel completely alone.
Since november I've felt like I've had someone to understand me, to accept me and spend time with me even on my worst days. When we fought it was almost like it happened for the sake of it, like we just expected one another to feel a certain way so we pushed upon it until it happened. and that is exactly why we're not together now.
It isn't just him that feels like he deserves to be alone and feel unhappy, we all feel it, including me.
When I was thirteen I loved my dog more than anything, yet I felt like he was getting old and that I should just get a new one. He died that year, and I still remember the look on his face as the vet held him walking out the door into the back where he would stay for the night, he threw up blood and the vets new it was over; they put Tiger down. and I still hurt thinking about the mind set I had while he was still alive. I knew how much I loved him, I just couldn't accept it, like I forced myself into feeling that he was just a 'fad' when in reality I would have died for that dog.
I was insecure with a certain boy. I saw his past walk by with hair like summer's sand, a smile that never seemed to fall unless she saw him, a body that practically shimmered like a gem. I had worked her up in my head just as much as he had and it haunted me every time I saw her. I compared myself to her and it guttered me every time I saw him take notice; I was insecure.
I was insecure; after I had hurt him neither one of us could fully settle ourselves down. He expected me to run off with another guy at any moment, I expected him to break up with me and get with someone who realised how immensely lucky they were and didn't fuck him around.
Our mind sets lead us directly to where we are now, apart, and it fucking hurts.
Literally everything reminds me of him in some way or another.
It kills me to think we never did any of the things we always talked about doing and what we wanted to do.
It kills me knowing that we're not compatible, even though I want to be with him so so so much and I couldn't care for the little winsy things we rabble about, whether or not I eat a certain food and get upset or that one of us feels horny and the other doesn't, it's such pointless stuff that we should have shrugged off, but we let it build up and up until now, we're not compatible.
I want to run all the way to Hawthorn and get inside the gig, jump on top of him and have a good time, I want to dance with him and sing with him and laugh and tickle and run around and talk and just experience life together. But I know I cant. because we're on a break.. or we're just not together, I don't even know
'what' we are, but whatever it is I absolutely hate it. I hate it. But I know he has to be happy, so I have to let him figure this out. I will do anything for him. I absolutely adore him.
I'm so impatient, as soon as I start crying I know that I'll one day, eventually, move on and look back at the time we spent together and smile at it for what it was; when I cry, I just want the pain to be over, I want to speed it up yet I don't because I feel like I should be feeling the pain, that it isn't right to not feel it, I want to jump into more of it and cloud myself in a distressed, depressed pit.
I do not want to go on with myself without you.
I can't believe I let insecurity come between us, because to me, that's what it feels like happened.
You're so admirable and unforgettably beautiful in every way. Whether or not you still want to be with me, even if you really don't and you're fully conscious of it and you really think this is the best decision for us and for your happiness this is the most wise path,
I love you Jade, please don't ever forget it...
Since november I've felt like I've had someone to understand me, to accept me and spend time with me even on my worst days. When we fought it was almost like it happened for the sake of it, like we just expected one another to feel a certain way so we pushed upon it until it happened. and that is exactly why we're not together now.
It isn't just him that feels like he deserves to be alone and feel unhappy, we all feel it, including me.
When I was thirteen I loved my dog more than anything, yet I felt like he was getting old and that I should just get a new one. He died that year, and I still remember the look on his face as the vet held him walking out the door into the back where he would stay for the night, he threw up blood and the vets new it was over; they put Tiger down. and I still hurt thinking about the mind set I had while he was still alive. I knew how much I loved him, I just couldn't accept it, like I forced myself into feeling that he was just a 'fad' when in reality I would have died for that dog.
I was insecure with a certain boy. I saw his past walk by with hair like summer's sand, a smile that never seemed to fall unless she saw him, a body that practically shimmered like a gem. I had worked her up in my head just as much as he had and it haunted me every time I saw her. I compared myself to her and it guttered me every time I saw him take notice; I was insecure.
I was insecure; after I had hurt him neither one of us could fully settle ourselves down. He expected me to run off with another guy at any moment, I expected him to break up with me and get with someone who realised how immensely lucky they were and didn't fuck him around.
Our mind sets lead us directly to where we are now, apart, and it fucking hurts.
Literally everything reminds me of him in some way or another.
It kills me to think we never did any of the things we always talked about doing and what we wanted to do.
It kills me knowing that we're not compatible, even though I want to be with him so so so much and I couldn't care for the little winsy things we rabble about, whether or not I eat a certain food and get upset or that one of us feels horny and the other doesn't, it's such pointless stuff that we should have shrugged off, but we let it build up and up until now, we're not compatible.
I want to run all the way to Hawthorn and get inside the gig, jump on top of him and have a good time, I want to dance with him and sing with him and laugh and tickle and run around and talk and just experience life together. But I know I cant. because we're on a break.. or we're just not together, I don't even know
'what' we are, but whatever it is I absolutely hate it. I hate it. But I know he has to be happy, so I have to let him figure this out. I will do anything for him. I absolutely adore him.
I'm so impatient, as soon as I start crying I know that I'll one day, eventually, move on and look back at the time we spent together and smile at it for what it was; when I cry, I just want the pain to be over, I want to speed it up yet I don't because I feel like I should be feeling the pain, that it isn't right to not feel it, I want to jump into more of it and cloud myself in a distressed, depressed pit.
I do not want to go on with myself without you.
I can't believe I let insecurity come between us, because to me, that's what it feels like happened.
You're so admirable and unforgettably beautiful in every way. Whether or not you still want to be with me, even if you really don't and you're fully conscious of it and you really think this is the best decision for us and for your happiness this is the most wise path,
I love you Jade, please don't ever forget it...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Damn good cupcakes
The recipe was adapted from Margret Fulton, I ran out of enough caster sugar so mother suggested I use brown sugar for the last 1/4 needed... I was hesitant, but needed sugar, so I sifted it and added it with the caster sugar. I accidentally put about a table spoon of melted butter into the mix as well instead of the noted 1tsp. They say it's best if cupcakes go straight in the oven as soon as they've been mixed, my cake went in straight away.. into a heating-up oven, and my second lot of cupcakes went in 20 minutes later.
So not all of it went to plan, but they turned out miigghhttyy fine. so fine. I indulged... I mean who says you can't get in shape and eat 12 cupcakes and a decent serving of cake while you're at it? Jessica Simpson's body in Dukes of Hazard perhaps, but whatever.
*cough* pardon me for the bad photography..
Sponge cake with passionfruit vanilla cream and strawberries.
So.. the inside of a sponge cupcake..
TADA! *laugh*
They turned out well
We had fun :)
So not all of it went to plan, but they turned out miigghhttyy fine. so fine. I indulged... I mean who says you can't get in shape and eat 12 cupcakes and a decent serving of cake while you're at it? Jessica Simpson's body in Dukes of Hazard perhaps, but whatever.
*cough* pardon me for the bad photography..
Sponge cake with passionfruit vanilla cream and strawberries.
So.. the inside of a sponge cupcake..
TADA! *laugh*
They turned out well
Love
Your eyes like the ocean, wide, eccentric, blue and brillianated with life.
They tell a story, motives, thick and thin feelings.
The anger belts up against the strong white rock, the volcano at the centre of the ocean explodes. Pouring care and great understanding, like lava it does not stop, but turns to more rock once it creams down to the oceans steps.
I love the scent that you carry, the warm, heart-filling, unbelievably beautiful scent. Skin as smooth as melted butter, the gentle firm movement of us together.
I'm not much of a poet, but I would like to try and explain how much I love you.
Your kindness, deep understand of everything, generous, caring, curious ways. The way you teach, the way you see people for who they are and the vibe they have. The honest, up-front, no-messing-around attitude you have. I love the way you laugh, I love the sounds you make in general life, and in not so 'general' life. I love that smile and that stretches upon acres of beautiful skin. I love your teasing, I love the way your acceptance to other people, I love how you accept change, can see around an obstacle and find the best way through it. I love that you stand your ground, that you are fair and peaceful. I love that you don't start fights, aren't held up purely by your ego and are not overly aggressive. I love your confidence, I love your humbleness and your pridefulness. I love your skills, which is almost everything because of your determined way of being, of which I also love. I love your way with nature, you could almost be some sort of god with your connection with it.
I also love every inch of your physique.
Jade, I love you!
They tell a story, motives, thick and thin feelings.
The anger belts up against the strong white rock, the volcano at the centre of the ocean explodes. Pouring care and great understanding, like lava it does not stop, but turns to more rock once it creams down to the oceans steps.
I love the scent that you carry, the warm, heart-filling, unbelievably beautiful scent. Skin as smooth as melted butter, the gentle firm movement of us together.
I'm not much of a poet, but I would like to try and explain how much I love you.
Your kindness, deep understand of everything, generous, caring, curious ways. The way you teach, the way you see people for who they are and the vibe they have. The honest, up-front, no-messing-around attitude you have. I love the way you laugh, I love the sounds you make in general life, and in not so 'general' life. I love that smile and that stretches upon acres of beautiful skin. I love your teasing, I love the way your acceptance to other people, I love how you accept change, can see around an obstacle and find the best way through it. I love that you stand your ground, that you are fair and peaceful. I love that you don't start fights, aren't held up purely by your ego and are not overly aggressive. I love your confidence, I love your humbleness and your pridefulness. I love your skills, which is almost everything because of your determined way of being, of which I also love. I love your way with nature, you could almost be some sort of god with your connection with it.
I also love every inch of your physique.
Jade, I love you!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
To get off my chest
Go after me for a whole year, send me emails, say nice things to me, come into my cabin at two O'clock in the fucking morning and give me your jumper. Question the relationship I'm in- to me, interrogate me, try and seem like the decent guy that would wait his whole life for me, just so when I finally realise that there is absolutely nothing inside of me that wants any part of you, so when I finally tell you that the messed up little game between us is over, you can make me feel like the indecent one, the one that 'disposes' their friends, the one you lost respect for because I'm such a bad person and made you feel like shit.
Well guess fucking what Ryan, the 'girl of your dreams' gave every emotional part of herself to you, I put up with your bastard like ways because I knew you were a good person deep down, and you fucked me around. you completely ignored me, brushed me off, avoided me even. You wouldn't even say hello to me for sometime. and then just when I meet someone who makes me even more happy then you did, you come around into my life again and beg for me back, you claim that your absence and clear disinterest in our relationship, that went down practically slower than Venice is going, was all because your mum had something wrong with her brain that her own mother died of when she was younger, that 'a lot was going on', and so it was okay to tell some random this, some girl who you once claimed to really dislike and say that you couldn't talk to anyone else about it but her, is a load of fucking shit. Heres an idea, you could have told your girlfriend. oh jee that would have been hard, I mean how on earth would some clingy girl who loves you dearly not be able to handle the fact that you're saddened by your mothers illness.
You fucked me around, and I fell into your crap. I fell into it hard for like three days, I gave you a second fucking chance only to realise that it wasn't right and hoped you could go on with your days, having learnt from your mistakes and most hopefully get over me sooner rather than later. I didn't just walk off when you fell apart on the playground, I stayed there being the decent person I am. I was good to you Ryan, you fucked me around and then couldn't accept the fact that I met someone who was better than you. You were in love with feeding your fucking ego, not our relationship. So fine, send me an email saying 'it's cool' and that you 'kinda lost respect for me' because I 'disregard the feelings of the people around me'. You have one mighty big fucking ego, but good on you, if it's making you that happy, then fine, try and cut down someone you allegedly 'love', if it's working for you, great. I apologised for what I had done, I put my relationship with the greatest person in my life, on the line, and I'm one marvelously lucky person to still have them, but if you cant seem to know that you might have in fact done some things wrong also, then I'm sorry that ignorance is such bliss. I'm so FRIGGEN ecstatic extravacated that this shit is over, and I can finally be with the person I love more than anyone or anything, in complete confidence that I don't want any part of anyone else.
Well guess fucking what Ryan, the 'girl of your dreams' gave every emotional part of herself to you, I put up with your bastard like ways because I knew you were a good person deep down, and you fucked me around. you completely ignored me, brushed me off, avoided me even. You wouldn't even say hello to me for sometime. and then just when I meet someone who makes me even more happy then you did, you come around into my life again and beg for me back, you claim that your absence and clear disinterest in our relationship, that went down practically slower than Venice is going, was all because your mum had something wrong with her brain that her own mother died of when she was younger, that 'a lot was going on', and so it was okay to tell some random this, some girl who you once claimed to really dislike and say that you couldn't talk to anyone else about it but her, is a load of fucking shit. Heres an idea, you could have told your girlfriend. oh jee that would have been hard, I mean how on earth would some clingy girl who loves you dearly not be able to handle the fact that you're saddened by your mothers illness.
You fucked me around, and I fell into your crap. I fell into it hard for like three days, I gave you a second fucking chance only to realise that it wasn't right and hoped you could go on with your days, having learnt from your mistakes and most hopefully get over me sooner rather than later. I didn't just walk off when you fell apart on the playground, I stayed there being the decent person I am. I was good to you Ryan, you fucked me around and then couldn't accept the fact that I met someone who was better than you. You were in love with feeding your fucking ego, not our relationship. So fine, send me an email saying 'it's cool' and that you 'kinda lost respect for me' because I 'disregard the feelings of the people around me'. You have one mighty big fucking ego, but good on you, if it's making you that happy, then fine, try and cut down someone you allegedly 'love', if it's working for you, great. I apologised for what I had done, I put my relationship with the greatest person in my life, on the line, and I'm one marvelously lucky person to still have them, but if you cant seem to know that you might have in fact done some things wrong also, then I'm sorry that ignorance is such bliss. I'm so FRIGGEN ecstatic extravacated that this shit is over, and I can finally be with the person I love more than anyone or anything, in complete confidence that I don't want any part of anyone else.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Smile
Smiling does wonderful things; it instantly uplifts any saddened soul, is a key to knowing how people are really feeling, and brings people together.
I've begun looking at people in the eye, and as a very wise someone said it would, it works; my confidence in talking to people has really blossomed and I've become a lot more happier because of it.
I see people everyday now, people who look at me in the eye and continue to until we're out of each others sight; before hand, I would look away and then quickly vert my eyes back at them to see if they were still looking, but they wouldn't be. I've also begun smiling at people because of this, just last week I was walking to school and someone who appeared to be around 18 years old was walking towards the station as I was leaving it. There was a herd of us trooping down the hill, but I caught his eye and we looked at each other until just as we were about to pass, I smiled and he smiled back. It made me happy, that two people that have no idea who each other are, notice each other and can share happiness, out of absolutely no where. Just one moment that really seems to brighten a day.
I've done it to other people, some people's faces change slightly as if they're about to go for a smile, but then they don't and then they've passed so it's too late even if they regretted not smiling at me(I bet it happens all the time:P). Some people quickly look away and ignore me, but no matter how many times I've been rejected by strangers, just for a smile, my mood is never dampened, because I went for the smile, I projected happiness onto them and it made me feel great, and hopefully them seeing me smile at them, will make them smile later on in the day.
Smiling at people makes you feel like a friendly person, even if you're typically not. It makes you feel like you're connecting with others and that you're becoming friends with the whole world. People notice you more if you smile, it's quite incredible. People are more likely to ask you for help or just feel more comfortable standing near you. You actually just feel like you can do anything when you smile, it's a tiny action that can go extremely far, you just have to push aside the stubbornness and force yourself into lifting those cheeks, you don't even have to show your teeth if you don't want. At the end of it all, you feel great and you never regret it.
There should be a world smile day, where everyone smiles at everyone they see, it would get people laughing and hopefully into laughing 'fits' and people would feel overall happier. I think we could solve the world problems if we smiled at each other, well... we would all become a lot more compassionate at least, which would be half way there.
I've begun looking at people in the eye, and as a very wise someone said it would, it works; my confidence in talking to people has really blossomed and I've become a lot more happier because of it.
I see people everyday now, people who look at me in the eye and continue to until we're out of each others sight; before hand, I would look away and then quickly vert my eyes back at them to see if they were still looking, but they wouldn't be. I've also begun smiling at people because of this, just last week I was walking to school and someone who appeared to be around 18 years old was walking towards the station as I was leaving it. There was a herd of us trooping down the hill, but I caught his eye and we looked at each other until just as we were about to pass, I smiled and he smiled back. It made me happy, that two people that have no idea who each other are, notice each other and can share happiness, out of absolutely no where. Just one moment that really seems to brighten a day.
I've done it to other people, some people's faces change slightly as if they're about to go for a smile, but then they don't and then they've passed so it's too late even if they regretted not smiling at me(I bet it happens all the time:P). Some people quickly look away and ignore me, but no matter how many times I've been rejected by strangers, just for a smile, my mood is never dampened, because I went for the smile, I projected happiness onto them and it made me feel great, and hopefully them seeing me smile at them, will make them smile later on in the day.
Smiling at people makes you feel like a friendly person, even if you're typically not. It makes you feel like you're connecting with others and that you're becoming friends with the whole world. People notice you more if you smile, it's quite incredible. People are more likely to ask you for help or just feel more comfortable standing near you. You actually just feel like you can do anything when you smile, it's a tiny action that can go extremely far, you just have to push aside the stubbornness and force yourself into lifting those cheeks, you don't even have to show your teeth if you don't want. At the end of it all, you feel great and you never regret it.
There should be a world smile day, where everyone smiles at everyone they see, it would get people laughing and hopefully into laughing 'fits' and people would feel overall happier. I think we could solve the world problems if we smiled at each other, well... we would all become a lot more compassionate at least, which would be half way there.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
It Is Peaceful
The thin ballerina of gold light in the thick chunk of soy candle, sweet french vanilla lifting the atmosphere.
Hot creamy pumpkin soup to soothe the blocked sinus'.
A lamp to over-look school work, written in unusually beautiful writing.
The laptop playing Enlightenment Radio, Steven Sadleir's voice explaining the world Jesus was born in and the things people miss day by day; It's all the same god, we just put a different face on it. The inner meaning of the bible, the old scriptures and what they actually meant, not the literal words written down.
It is peaceful.
Hot creamy pumpkin soup to soothe the blocked sinus'.
A lamp to over-look school work, written in unusually beautiful writing.
The laptop playing Enlightenment Radio, Steven Sadleir's voice explaining the world Jesus was born in and the things people miss day by day; It's all the same god, we just put a different face on it. The inner meaning of the bible, the old scriptures and what they actually meant, not the literal words written down.
It is peaceful.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Yu
My thoughts and emotions scampered back and forth from my eyes to my finger tips, I was unsure what I wanted, what I actually wanted.
I was unsure of, not only who I wanted to love, but who I wanted to be in love with.
One part of me knew going back to him would be a mistake and I would regret it, another part of me longed for the same comfort I felt one year ago, I wanted to smell the same scent, kiss the same lips, if that's what I was meant to do.
I followed my instincts and went to see him, when we met it wasn't magical, it wasn't heart-lifting, eye-opening, or peaceful love that never left, it was like two friends going to hang out on the weekend, but we talked and travelled to his most relaxing spot at the highest spot at the park.
"This is, funny" I said looking at his grown body across from mine, back against a pole.
It was dark and I couldn't exactly make out his changed face in the shadows.
He walked over to me slowly, and kissed me. My body stood there in limp shock. No energy ran between our lips, only his desperate need for affection and control. I fused to get out of there, but after all that had happened it would have been most cruel to sprint off and never speak of it again.
"Lets sit down" After several minutes of a continuous standing, my body moving further away from his with every affectionate action, we sat down.
His arms around me, long dark eye lashes swung in front of squinting eyes, mouth turned upwards and the softest cheeks feeling my worried breath.
When I opened my eyes after every closing I expected to see large, round, capri blue eyes, ginger hair against my skin as I held a creamy face, succulent lips, and most of all I expected to feel a dreamy sensation when I connected with the boy. I expected to see our spirits flying together, celebrating such fullness.
But the boy wasn't who I expected at all, he wasn't who I ached to be with.
He was a boy I once loved but no longer did, he was someone in my past who once brought me great happiness but no longer did.
When I opened my eyes after every closing I expected to see large, round, capri blue eyes, ginger hair against my skin as I held a creamy face, succulent lips, and most of all I expected to feel a dreamy sensation when I connected with the boy. I expected to see our spirits flying together, celebrating such fullness.
But the boy wasn't who I expected at all, he wasn't who I ached to be with.
He was a boy I once loved but no longer did, he was someone in my past who once brought me great happiness but no longer did.
He continued to kiss me, I sighed, I turned my face away and finally he spoke.
"Whats.. wrong?" I looked up at the possums dancing in the branches above us
"I've fucked up, I feel like a terrible person.." my eyes began to water at the thought of the person I loved most, crumbled up in bed crying into their pillow.
"You're not a terrible person.."
"No, I am.. I've fucked around J, you and myself.... this isn't right."
There was a small silence and then the boy replied,
"well I think it is."
We held another silence but this one lasted for several minutes more
"What are you thinking?" Looking down at his eye-catching blue jumped, veiny hands on my arms.
"I'm thinking.. that I am so extremely happy, and lucky"
"Please don't.. have too much trust in me.."
"What do you mean? His grip softened.
"I've been a mess lately, I came here to see if we could work, if there was still something between us that hasn't finished.."
"and what did you find?" His voice was frail and mumbled.
"I found that.. I can't, do this... although you're a good kisser, it didn't feel right..."
"Why not?" he kept pushing.
"I love Jade." his grip loosened even more so
"and you don't love me?"
"I love you, I'm not in love with you."
"Can't we try for a bit? Couldn't you love me again?"
I shook my head looking down at my shoes that sat themselves against the wall opposite me.
"no"
"I really fucked up that much, that you can never love me again?"
I nodded.
He sighed.
"and it's not only that, I met Jade."
He took his arms away from me and let his head fall into his hands, crying.
"You said you wanted to see me cry, I didn't think it would be like this."
"I'm sorry.. I know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I know you will find a girl who will love you more than I can love you, and you will love more than you love me."
"I don't think that will ever happen.. I don't see how I could love anyone this much, but you."
He pushed his body against mine, arms around me, crying, nose gurgling into my hair.
"I can't believe I fucked up that much...I'm really getting my karma now.... what am I saying, I don't even believe in that stuff!"
His arms fell away from mine and stood up, leaning against the edge of the playground, my hand on his back.
"I guess the only way now, is up really, I have to harden up, I need to get over you."
"Yes."
--------------
I ran from the tram stop to your house; I was exhausted, mouth deserted from lack of water over the last three days. I pushed myself on, breathing your name with every pant and sprint.
My feet falling on the gravel I splattered a knock against your window, looking inside, no one was there.
I knocked on the front door. no one was there.
I called out your name in hope for some sort of answer. no one was there.
"fuck.." I sat on the wooden planks, tears falling from my eyes, "..what have I done.."
The outside light turned off so I got up to signal it back on. I went to sit back down and saw a movement from inside, I walked up to the door, it moved twenty centimetres open, in a steady movement. From inside, the tall, bald-headed man; looked at me, half surprised.
"I thought I saw someone creeping around outside, I saw the light come on and I thought it was Sonj."
"Is J here?"
"uh no, he just left, I just took him to Jam*s.. you can call him"
"ahh.. I don't have any credit because I usually use my sisters phone but it had no battery.."
"oh okay, well... I don't know how else you can contact him"
I sighed.
I sighed.
"alright, thanks anyway.. sorry if I woke you"
I walked up the drive way kicking my insides. how the fuck was I supposed to get to Jam*s.. he had moved so many times I had no idea where to begin.
I had, had a gianormous fight with my parents for calling 1800REVERSE in the past, but I had no other way of contacting you.
Listening to the ironic song; Take A Bow by Rihanna, I stood staring at the white plated house, feeling late and guilty.
I told mum to call you to call me.
Your name drilled on the screen, I picked up within one ring; ecstatic to hear your voice.
--------------
Listening to the ironic song; Take A Bow by Rihanna, I stood staring at the white plated house, feeling late and guilty.
I told mum to call you to call me.
Your name drilled on the screen, I picked up within one ring; ecstatic to hear your voice.
--------------
I saw your figure run up the hill in my direction, the cached patterned material.
It was like the two people in a movie who realise they feel the same way about each other.
The magic, heart-lifting, eye-opening, peaceful love that was only now so clear and vivid.
You are not just some boy I like, some boy in my life who I've grown to love out of repetition, some guy I look at and want to 'do', you're not just the person I am with. You're not just the person that I met after R.
You're my best friend, a soul mate of some sort, an electrifying energy runs between us, I felt it when I first met you, but my past caught up with me and covered my eyes with a sticky paint.
When I kiss you my whole heart sways, when I look at your eyes I see our souls play and move together.
We met on the side strip and I felt myself wanting you all my life. It was the distinct feeling where I really knew how I felt.
We cried out of happiness, grief, sorrow and amazement.
I am sorry. I will stand by you, I will wait for as long as I have to for you to forgive and trust me again.
I know I did wrong by you, but I am promising to make it up to you, to make you the happiest person.
I love you Jade.
I love Yu Jade.
I love Jade Yu.
It was like the two people in a movie who realise they feel the same way about each other.
The magic, heart-lifting, eye-opening, peaceful love that was only now so clear and vivid.
You are not just some boy I like, some boy in my life who I've grown to love out of repetition, some guy I look at and want to 'do', you're not just the person I am with. You're not just the person that I met after R.
You're my best friend, a soul mate of some sort, an electrifying energy runs between us, I felt it when I first met you, but my past caught up with me and covered my eyes with a sticky paint.
When I kiss you my whole heart sways, when I look at your eyes I see our souls play and move together.
We met on the side strip and I felt myself wanting you all my life. It was the distinct feeling where I really knew how I felt.
We cried out of happiness, grief, sorrow and amazement.
I am sorry. I will stand by you, I will wait for as long as I have to for you to forgive and trust me again.
I know I did wrong by you, but I am promising to make it up to you, to make you the happiest person.
I love you Jade.
I love Yu Jade.
I love Jade Yu.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Something about lemon
I like changing recipes.
I like thinking up different flavours to mix together.
I like adding lemon to savoury foods, it's brilliantly high in fibre, vitamin B6 (get that down for a vegetarian diet), calcium.. which is weird because it also contains vitamin C.. which cannot be digested with calcium... hmmm, potassium, some other stuff I had to read letter by letter, IRON AND MAGNESIUM! so its a win for chicks :D
I don't like souffle, but they still appear irresistible so I'ma try until I succeed and produce the most bouncy, light, airy lemon souffle ever.
Lemon is amazing on an omelette, an omelette with spinach, tomato, mushroom, alfalfa and avocado.
What a terrific meal, you get everything; protein, carbohydrates, iron, water, A,B,C,E,K vitamins, antioxidants, fibre, phosphorus, 'good fats', selenium- it lowers prostate cancer, and other minerals.
How cool is that?!
I like nutrition... maybe I can become an animal nutritionist... and instead of going against the meat industries and getting absolutely no where because the majority of society is ignorant, lazy or just don't give a shit about animals to make any change, I can become a person that finds the most sustainable, cruelty free, free range, nutritious, environmental ways to care for live stock!
Maybe, just maybe.
I like thinking up different flavours to mix together.
I like adding lemon to savoury foods, it's brilliantly high in fibre, vitamin B6 (get that down for a vegetarian diet), calcium.. which is weird because it also contains vitamin C.. which cannot be digested with calcium... hmmm, potassium, some other stuff I had to read letter by letter, IRON AND MAGNESIUM! so its a win for chicks :D
I don't like souffle, but they still appear irresistible so I'ma try until I succeed and produce the most bouncy, light, airy lemon souffle ever.
Lemon is amazing on an omelette, an omelette with spinach, tomato, mushroom, alfalfa and avocado.
What a terrific meal, you get everything; protein, carbohydrates, iron, water, A,B,C,E,K vitamins, antioxidants, fibre, phosphorus, 'good fats', selenium- it lowers prostate cancer, and other minerals.
How cool is that?!
I like nutrition... maybe I can become an animal nutritionist... and instead of going against the meat industries and getting absolutely no where because the majority of society is ignorant, lazy or just don't give a shit about animals to make any change, I can become a person that finds the most sustainable, cruelty free, free range, nutritious, environmental ways to care for live stock!
Maybe, just maybe.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Just some thoughts
I'd much prefer an apple turn-over to celery and peanut butter, maple syrup dripping from a stack of pancakes, to raw carrot dip plastered onto whole-meal toast.
I'd much prefer fresh carrot juice to a smoothie, a blue heaven milkshake over a cup of black tea.
A glass of water in the morning, not coffee. Fruit loops, not milky porridge. Milky porridge any day, not weetbix.
I usually enjoy continuous stimulation, mentally and physically.
The family around a large, warm-food-filled table, debating philosophy politics and religion, not the feet statued on the coffee table, eyes sewed to the sport on TV, with a pizza at hand.
I like warm lighting and coconut vanilla things. Flowers and soy candles. Thick rugs as you walk in the door, a place to hang a wet coat.
I like, moments that are easily laughed at, the time machine in itunes, writing to do lists, over coming to do lists, the continuous notability of the fact that thought is constantly happening, the fun made in shops, the singing in public, feeling a stretch work.
I like seeing a cake transform. I like not worrying about anything. I like my ability to sleep on things and subsequently losing most, if not all negative emotions towards it. I like the satisfaction of being healthy for a fairly long period of time, and the feeling when you finish that health-kick with a delightfully smooth piece of chocolate cake between your teeth.
I love how a kiss is never the same. I like emails that aren't from petition websites. I like hand written letters. I like becoming closer to people you know but never took the time to know. I like rhyming poems, I really do. I like descriptions. I like being able to experience something of some-what impossibility through a lens.
I'd much prefer fresh carrot juice to a smoothie, a blue heaven milkshake over a cup of black tea.
A glass of water in the morning, not coffee. Fruit loops, not milky porridge. Milky porridge any day, not weetbix.
I usually enjoy continuous stimulation, mentally and physically.
The family around a large, warm-food-filled table, debating philosophy politics and religion, not the feet statued on the coffee table, eyes sewed to the sport on TV, with a pizza at hand.
I like warm lighting and coconut vanilla things. Flowers and soy candles. Thick rugs as you walk in the door, a place to hang a wet coat.
I like, moments that are easily laughed at, the time machine in itunes, writing to do lists, over coming to do lists, the continuous notability of the fact that thought is constantly happening, the fun made in shops, the singing in public, feeling a stretch work.
I like seeing a cake transform. I like not worrying about anything. I like my ability to sleep on things and subsequently losing most, if not all negative emotions towards it. I like the satisfaction of being healthy for a fairly long period of time, and the feeling when you finish that health-kick with a delightfully smooth piece of chocolate cake between your teeth.
I love how a kiss is never the same. I like emails that aren't from petition websites. I like hand written letters. I like becoming closer to people you know but never took the time to know. I like rhyming poems, I really do. I like descriptions. I like being able to experience something of some-what impossibility through a lens.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Old scripts
On our first meeting,my stomach fell twelve floors, and crumbled down onto a block of ice.
________
Down in my toes, they tingle
with the beat of blood circulating, up into my high hopes.
I dance inside my skin at the sight of your name.
I barely know you, but for whatever reason it makes no difference
an explosion escapades from my eyes
A grin against this lit up face
Something tweaks between our footsteps
Something lays in the back of my mind.
________
Blue quartz eyes, stained my green hazel
Ice cotton hair, grazed through chocolate speckled hands.
His skin of white peach, sprung angel coral in the summer.
A tongue of laced rhubarb
Young cherry lips.
________
Down in my toes, they tingle
with the beat of blood circulating, up into my high hopes.
I dance inside my skin at the sight of your name.
I barely know you, but for whatever reason it makes no difference
an explosion escapades from my eyes
A grin against this lit up face
Something tweaks between our footsteps
Something lays in the back of my mind.
________
Blue quartz eyes, stained my green hazel
Ice cotton hair, grazed through chocolate speckled hands.
His skin of white peach, sprung angel coral in the summer.
A tongue of laced rhubarb
Young cherry lips.
Ever- more a letter than a blog post -
Being caught in between, all you wish for and all you've seen.
Will you help me to understand, because I've been caught in between, all I wish for and all I need.
Or maybe you're not even sure, what it's for, anymore than me.
I'll find my way, we'll bask in happiness, because when I opened my eyes and you were there; there was not a single other thing I thought about. You're extraordinary.
Everyone's past effects them, it is impossible for it to not.
I'm hoping, you'll hold my hand and not let go, because all I want is to be with you; there are things I must push aside and accept as the past, and it might take some time, but I just need to know that you'll be here for me, and know I'm in it for you, not anybody or anything else, ever.
Will you help me to understand, because I've been caught in between, all I wish for and all I need.
Or maybe you're not even sure, what it's for, anymore than me.
I'll find my way, we'll bask in happiness, because when I opened my eyes and you were there; there was not a single other thing I thought about. You're extraordinary.
Everyone's past effects them, it is impossible for it to not.
I'm hoping, you'll hold my hand and not let go, because all I want is to be with you; there are things I must push aside and accept as the past, and it might take some time, but I just need to know that you'll be here for me, and know I'm in it for you, not anybody or anything else, ever.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
It was all a blur,
It was all a blur, but a hot summers day.
I was invited to a park; the field covered in barren, grounded yellow grass and far into the centre sat a house. It was built out of old wood that had chipped in the rain and beat-up pieces of furniture to hold it up and provide bedding and all the other luxuries a shelter would have.
I looked at the two divided parts of the house, there were large breaks in the junk-made walls that would allow wide rays of sun to streak in, or a warm flush of wind.
As soon as my eyes gazed in the house I felt warm, so comfortable; it had the most adoring vibe I had ever felt, it was so relaxed and honest, it was such a happy place. I wondered whose it was.
'Ours' was the word a lanky red haired boy had said in reply to my thoughts, not catching eye contact.
It suddenly made sense why I felt so loved, so steady.
I gazed at my main focus, the reason why I had came; I needed to speak to him, to figure things out. He had said to come to this place, and now I knew why.
When our eyes looked into one another's we knew everything, we understood each other.
In my mind it was clear that the block of land was partially his shared; he had no where else to stay but there most other nights, and it was the reason he had not come and stayed with me, he already had somewhere, and it was with his closest friends.
The group told me and a few other indescribable persons about the joint, it was where they went to get away and live. They played jokes on one another but all in good spirit.
It was all a blur, but a hot sweat in my bed.
I tried to remember the dream for the rest of the day, it wouldn't come to me, but I knew it was important. I searched and searched and did not find it.
I reached the peak of pleasure, and it hit me. The dream blasted through me and let me lay on my bed awkwardly, how was I supposed to react? The person I loved was right in front of me and had given me such happiness, yet the timing was horrendous. Was it just a dream or did it mean something? All I knew is that it definitely affected me, I couldn't really be my complete self after that. I felt terrible that the moment I orgasmed, such thoughts filled my head. what I saw was, for the first time in a long time, me in first person; looking at him in the bungalow he lived in with his friends, and finally understanding.. but consciously.. to this very moment I still haven't the slightest idea what that understanding is.
All I know is that I must contact him and apologise... I need to.
I was invited to a park; the field covered in barren, grounded yellow grass and far into the centre sat a house. It was built out of old wood that had chipped in the rain and beat-up pieces of furniture to hold it up and provide bedding and all the other luxuries a shelter would have.
I looked at the two divided parts of the house, there were large breaks in the junk-made walls that would allow wide rays of sun to streak in, or a warm flush of wind.
As soon as my eyes gazed in the house I felt warm, so comfortable; it had the most adoring vibe I had ever felt, it was so relaxed and honest, it was such a happy place. I wondered whose it was.
'Ours' was the word a lanky red haired boy had said in reply to my thoughts, not catching eye contact.
It suddenly made sense why I felt so loved, so steady.
I gazed at my main focus, the reason why I had came; I needed to speak to him, to figure things out. He had said to come to this place, and now I knew why.
When our eyes looked into one another's we knew everything, we understood each other.
In my mind it was clear that the block of land was partially his shared; he had no where else to stay but there most other nights, and it was the reason he had not come and stayed with me, he already had somewhere, and it was with his closest friends.
The group told me and a few other indescribable persons about the joint, it was where they went to get away and live. They played jokes on one another but all in good spirit.
It was all a blur, but a hot sweat in my bed.
I tried to remember the dream for the rest of the day, it wouldn't come to me, but I knew it was important. I searched and searched and did not find it.
I reached the peak of pleasure, and it hit me. The dream blasted through me and let me lay on my bed awkwardly, how was I supposed to react? The person I loved was right in front of me and had given me such happiness, yet the timing was horrendous. Was it just a dream or did it mean something? All I knew is that it definitely affected me, I couldn't really be my complete self after that. I felt terrible that the moment I orgasmed, such thoughts filled my head. what I saw was, for the first time in a long time, me in first person; looking at him in the bungalow he lived in with his friends, and finally understanding.. but consciously.. to this very moment I still haven't the slightest idea what that understanding is.
All I know is that I must contact him and apologise... I need to.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I am sorry and I love you
I want this to go out into the world and reach you; may it heal you and I wish you the happiest life,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, and I love you.
I love you a lot.
I'm sorry for the way life goes, but everything happens for a reason.
I love who you are.
The rest of the world will love you too.
You will love yourself.
I love you and I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, and I love you.
I love you a lot.
I'm sorry for the way life goes, but everything happens for a reason.
I love who you are.
The rest of the world will love you too.
You will love yourself.
I love you and I am sorry.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tomato Pasta and Soy Cheese
Oh pasta, what would I do without you? Perhaps a size 8.. but never mind that. You are long and the perfect texture, a brilliant orange and soon you will be the chum inside my stomach.
And beloved cheese.. you never tasted so good in soy; you taste as though you were pumped out of a cow, made from the juicy green fields... but instead you came from the juicy green soy bean plant.. and then mixed with water, and some other stuff...
But you two delicacies together are better than macaroni and cheese. that is saying something.
okay, you taste exactly the same.. but that too is saying something for soy cheese :D
And beloved cheese.. you never tasted so good in soy; you taste as though you were pumped out of a cow, made from the juicy green fields... but instead you came from the juicy green soy bean plant.. and then mixed with water, and some other stuff...
But you two delicacies together are better than macaroni and cheese. that is saying something.
okay, you taste exactly the same.. but that too is saying something for soy cheese :D
Monday, June 21, 2010
Whole self
Sitting here, being my completely, whole self.
I can't do anything but write. write and ponder upon old songs I had forgotten the name of. listening to new songs, the ones full of joy and discovery.
Pulling back the blind at any chance, pressing buttons to check for anything other than a missed call from parents, acting completely crazy.
Anything important really isn't, anything that usually doesn't mean anything, does.
I was confused for a moment, for an hour I wasn't exactly sure what I felt.
I'm back in place and can't feel anything but tingling toes... down in my toes they tingle...
I can't do anything but write. write and ponder upon old songs I had forgotten the name of. listening to new songs, the ones full of joy and discovery.
Pulling back the blind at any chance, pressing buttons to check for anything other than a missed call from parents, acting completely crazy.
Anything important really isn't, anything that usually doesn't mean anything, does.
I was confused for a moment, for an hour I wasn't exactly sure what I felt.
I'm back in place and can't feel anything but tingling toes... down in my toes they tingle...
Why don't we just dance
the whole wide world has gone crazy
so baby, why don't we just dance?
It was written in a book.
A gold, painted, world-atlas-design, hard cover.
The book was lost, somewhere in her cupboard, beneath old toys, or perhaps it was picked up by somebody, somebody who cruelly refused to own up, or even inconspicuously put it back.
The book contained many of things; but most importantly it held the beginning, and the moment a girl was swept up once again and floated on such heavenly waters.
She was confused to the exact moment, it wasn't as clear as what she had expected, but it was true all the same.
It was summer time, the sun sparkled across his creamy hair and stars shined from inside two small galaxies that deepened into the universe of the brightest blue.
The blue of the sky that afternoon.
The blue of what was the whole world for that girl.
Cross legged they saw each other, for who they were.
Each held a smile; buoyant enough to keep up with the wave of love that swam inside of her.
The girl remembered that moment, and would always remember that moment; it was the moment she saw something indescribable, and felt something peculiarly incredible.
They danced, a lustrous dance
This is a story of a girl
This is a story of a girl
who cried a river and drowned the whole world
They kissed intensely passionately; and then the feeling electrified her.
She felt it touch the tiniest of nerves and spring back through her blood.
She couldn't hold it in, the greatest urge overwhelmed her and she had to express it.
She took her lips away from his and looked up at his large glittering eyes.
"Yeah?" he smiled, mouth shut.
"No, you'll think I'm crazy.." her eyes darted to the poster on the wall and then to the window with the wooden shades down the other side of his bed.
"No I won't. I promise." His eyes were more focussed now, and seemed to see through the girl as if she were a pristine window.
The girl took a deep breath and shyly blurted it out.
"I love you"
The space between them seemed to shorten yet he seemed so tall, too far to hold.
"I don't think you're crazy at all... I love you too"
and while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
when she smiles
They kissed intensely passionately; and then the feeling electrified her.
She felt it touch the tiniest of nerves and spring back through her blood.
She couldn't hold it in, the greatest urge overwhelmed her and she had to express it.
She took her lips away from his and looked up at his large glittering eyes.
"Yeah?" he smiled, mouth shut.
"No, you'll think I'm crazy.." her eyes darted to the poster on the wall and then to the window with the wooden shades down the other side of his bed.
"No I won't. I promise." His eyes were more focussed now, and seemed to see through the girl as if she were a pristine window.
The girl took a deep breath and shyly blurted it out.
"I love you"
The space between them seemed to shorten yet he seemed so tall, too far to hold.
"I don't think you're crazy at all... I love you too"
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Queen Victoria Market
The thick smell of hot jam goo-ing out of squishy donuts pours into your mouth.. and then your eyes spot seventy people down the cue, next to the man and the big issue. The hustle and gabbers around mountains of fruit and vegetable; $1 here, $1 there. The tinkering of rain on rocky pavements as boots scuff through, onto laid out cardboard. Bunches of greenery, fresh herbs; the ones you rarely find out of packets, grounded. A bowl of white bread and spoonfuls of cinnamon, fig and apple jam, chutneys and pasta sauces. The floury haze over pumpkin and poppy seed fettuccine, and sourdough bread sitting pluffy in the wooden cabinets. Filo pastry sitting soft and heated with spinach and ricotta inside, steam swimming out of jumpy mouths and napkins slither with olive oil. Figs stuffed with cheese and coconut, honey liquor melting on your tongue and sweet syrup oozing out of juicy dates, straight from the tree. The acai berry man talking about fluoride and water; it is not at all good. and the juice bar grazing your throat with ginger.
Jackets sit high on racks and price tags beam, the hagglers, the schmoozers and the gentle, quiet sellers. Best price and best quality, novelty sport tops and rattling koala bears- to send back home with an Australian woolen fleece. Home made candles and carved wooden blocks to hold the burning incense. Jewelry glitters around each bend, a table just for thick socks and trapper hats.
Bags in each hand, stuffed to the brim with potatoes, pumpkin, bananas, onions. The folded jacket, first quality winter favourite. Three loaves of bread; white, linseed and olive. Fresh pasta, herbs, gifts, empty food containers and wrappers. The boot of the car is filled, our arms relax and we drive away.
A day at the Queen Victoria Market.
Jackets sit high on racks and price tags beam, the hagglers, the schmoozers and the gentle, quiet sellers. Best price and best quality, novelty sport tops and rattling koala bears- to send back home with an Australian woolen fleece. Home made candles and carved wooden blocks to hold the burning incense. Jewelry glitters around each bend, a table just for thick socks and trapper hats.
Bags in each hand, stuffed to the brim with potatoes, pumpkin, bananas, onions. The folded jacket, first quality winter favourite. Three loaves of bread; white, linseed and olive. Fresh pasta, herbs, gifts, empty food containers and wrappers. The boot of the car is filled, our arms relax and we drive away.
A day at the Queen Victoria Market.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Open Your Eyes
Today was different.
I was in new classes, one of which was out of lack of a better alternative.
I spoke to people I hadn't spoken to in months and some even years, I was open to everything that came my way and things started happening. It was like 'Yes Man' but.. not.
PE was my first class; I practically vowed to myself in earlier years that I wouldn't go near the subject once it wasn't compulsory, but of course I found myself in it and picking up everything, going with the flow completely. I was invited to a party during that class, by an old friend who I didn't particularly like anymore. My intuition told me it was because I was walking next to her, and another girl who mentioned the party that got me invited; but other friends were going, I hadn't been to a party in literally a year and I didn't at all care, but it was a shock; I was invited to a social event- weird, but it was opened to me because I stepped out of my comfort zone.
I was moved into a different version of math, one of J's friends were in it. He was the only one I knew, or at least cared to talk to, so I sat next to him and found myself enjoying the lesson. A huge bludge in terms of work and learning math, but I learnt so much biology and our friendship became, more of a friendship.. rather than just being acquainted. It's always been a worry to me that I wouldn't get along with my boyfriend's friends, I would hate to seem like I'm a girl without a personality, sense of humour or brain, yet happens to be with the most amazing person in the whole world. I would seem like a waste. And although it's J's and my relationship, not anybody else's.. it's nice knowing you're accepted by your boyfriend's friends. you know?
I found out I wasn't pregnant. that's always relieving :)
I expected to be late for my next class, I was hopeful to see my new class and teacher, jump straight in there fresh and get top marks. While two students went to find our missing teacher, there were two people left standing in the door way of a highly brightened room. She was a girl I had spoken to in year 7, I'm unsure of how we were friends, or if we were at any point, but I remember speaking to her. She spoke much more than I expected and the more she did the more her face seemed to deepen. She was a plain girl initially, thick orange curls clumped on her shoulders, glasses and an unexpected, relatively high-pitched voice. She was a lot more confident than any of her friends(the ones I knew anyway), conversation followed us until we reached our lockers once told our teacher really wasn't coming.
I was going to meet new people, I could tell.
I hopped on the train and saw someone I knew.
He had dark, galactic circles around his small, soft eyes and had dusty ginger hair parting from his centre forehead, falling past his ears. He knew who he was but he seemed... some-what.. scared. I didn't know him, not personally; as soon as I walked onto the train we caught each others eyes, I instantly smiled and when I sat a few rows away from him, he smiled back and winked. I wasn't expecting that. I looked away without appearing too rude.
He was in his late twenties or near about, and I was surprisingly not worried, not initially, not until my logic gurgled and made me questioned if I should get off at a station earlier and walk the rest of the way home. I had a feeling he would get off at the station before me so I sat where I was and when the train stopped at the station before mine, he got up and walked to the door directly at my left. 'Knew it. My head-phones were in and playing, but I saw him smile and say what I believed to hear as 'cya'. I smiled back and watched him walk down the station somberly as the train past, he was not happy person, not at that point in his life.
It's doubtful we'll ever cross again, but we met, we crossed, we parted. Perhaps we did once know each other, or maybe he just looked like someone I recently saw in a movie; who knows? The point is that it was exciting, today had an adventurous spirit!
The day had been so refreshing. It wasn't anything fantastic, but it was different, exciting.
Small joys come from the unexpected. sometimes.
Most of all I cannot wait until friday when I'm going to have an absolutely terrific time, with the person I adore most, J. Because I want to. Genuinely. Really. really really REALLY :)
I was in new classes, one of which was out of lack of a better alternative.
I spoke to people I hadn't spoken to in months and some even years, I was open to everything that came my way and things started happening. It was like 'Yes Man' but.. not.
PE was my first class; I practically vowed to myself in earlier years that I wouldn't go near the subject once it wasn't compulsory, but of course I found myself in it and picking up everything, going with the flow completely. I was invited to a party during that class, by an old friend who I didn't particularly like anymore. My intuition told me it was because I was walking next to her, and another girl who mentioned the party that got me invited; but other friends were going, I hadn't been to a party in literally a year and I didn't at all care, but it was a shock; I was invited to a social event- weird, but it was opened to me because I stepped out of my comfort zone.
I was moved into a different version of math, one of J's friends were in it. He was the only one I knew, or at least cared to talk to, so I sat next to him and found myself enjoying the lesson. A huge bludge in terms of work and learning math, but I learnt so much biology and our friendship became, more of a friendship.. rather than just being acquainted. It's always been a worry to me that I wouldn't get along with my boyfriend's friends, I would hate to seem like I'm a girl without a personality, sense of humour or brain, yet happens to be with the most amazing person in the whole world. I would seem like a waste. And although it's J's and my relationship, not anybody else's.. it's nice knowing you're accepted by your boyfriend's friends. you know?
I found out I wasn't pregnant. that's always relieving :)
I expected to be late for my next class, I was hopeful to see my new class and teacher, jump straight in there fresh and get top marks. While two students went to find our missing teacher, there were two people left standing in the door way of a highly brightened room. She was a girl I had spoken to in year 7, I'm unsure of how we were friends, or if we were at any point, but I remember speaking to her. She spoke much more than I expected and the more she did the more her face seemed to deepen. She was a plain girl initially, thick orange curls clumped on her shoulders, glasses and an unexpected, relatively high-pitched voice. She was a lot more confident than any of her friends(the ones I knew anyway), conversation followed us until we reached our lockers once told our teacher really wasn't coming.
I was going to meet new people, I could tell.
I hopped on the train and saw someone I knew.
He had dark, galactic circles around his small, soft eyes and had dusty ginger hair parting from his centre forehead, falling past his ears. He knew who he was but he seemed... some-what.. scared. I didn't know him, not personally; as soon as I walked onto the train we caught each others eyes, I instantly smiled and when I sat a few rows away from him, he smiled back and winked. I wasn't expecting that. I looked away without appearing too rude.
He was in his late twenties or near about, and I was surprisingly not worried, not initially, not until my logic gurgled and made me questioned if I should get off at a station earlier and walk the rest of the way home. I had a feeling he would get off at the station before me so I sat where I was and when the train stopped at the station before mine, he got up and walked to the door directly at my left. 'Knew it. My head-phones were in and playing, but I saw him smile and say what I believed to hear as 'cya'. I smiled back and watched him walk down the station somberly as the train past, he was not happy person, not at that point in his life.
It's doubtful we'll ever cross again, but we met, we crossed, we parted. Perhaps we did once know each other, or maybe he just looked like someone I recently saw in a movie; who knows? The point is that it was exciting, today had an adventurous spirit!
The day had been so refreshing. It wasn't anything fantastic, but it was different, exciting.
Small joys come from the unexpected. sometimes.
Most of all I cannot wait until friday when I'm going to have an absolutely terrific time, with the person I adore most, J. Because I want to. Genuinely. Really. really really REALLY :)
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Questioning Sort
I'm still questioning love.
Well not.. love itself, but if what I claimed to be love ever really was.
Perhaps it was love, but the simple sort that my brain created with chemicals.
Perhaps it was the love of caring, but not the 'flying' sort, not the sort that lifts you up to see your spirits twinkle together.
Perhaps it was the physical sort, the play-mate sort, the priority-of-self-learning sort. The questioning sort.
Not that it matters now, but I promised myself long, long ago that I wouldn't say or believe that I loved someone unless I was sure of it.
Well I broke that promise years ago, that was naivety, but I guess thats part of the process.
Well not.. love itself, but if what I claimed to be love ever really was.
Perhaps it was love, but the simple sort that my brain created with chemicals.
Perhaps it was the love of caring, but not the 'flying' sort, not the sort that lifts you up to see your spirits twinkle together.
Perhaps it was the physical sort, the play-mate sort, the priority-of-self-learning sort. The questioning sort.
Not that it matters now, but I promised myself long, long ago that I wouldn't say or believe that I loved someone unless I was sure of it.
Well I broke that promise years ago, that was naivety, but I guess thats part of the process.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tofu
I got home and heated up some tofu. Got some tomato paste, mixed it with water and added garlic, chilli and cumin into the package and heated it on the stove.
I tried a piece to taste and instantly burnt my tongue. the very tip. It is now burning more and more each time I eat this heavenly food.. dammit.
I tried a piece to taste and instantly burnt my tongue. the very tip. It is now burning more and more each time I eat this heavenly food.. dammit.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
The deleted
I miss you
I miss you.
It doesn't feel right with you not here.
And the continuous play of love songs playing out in the living room for the family and neighbours, is not helping. My third blog post tonight
Ima keep smiling :)
What I have found about music.. my insight,
Music can squeeze us to tears, throw a bucket of ice on top of us, or send us to bliss time and time again; it's all the vibrations, the lyrics and beat. The beat that is pumped with the flow of our blood, it forever sticks with us, it takes you back to an era, a place, person or situation. It could have been years since you heard a song, but the moment you hear it, regardless of the fact that you have no idea how it turned up in your itunes on first glance, it takes you back to that moment, place or person. You notice the familiar taste and your subconscious brings the answer forward, you instantly know where the song came from, who gave it to you, what happened, what you felt.
It's fascinating what a song can do, and although you can listen to it over and over, if you had once listened to it at a specific time in your life, or for a fairly long amount of time, although you may not hold anymore emotion, your memory is enhanced as if you're in a dream; knowing every aspect of your subconscious, and you're taken back for a few minutes, to a place you might have left a long time ago.
It doesn't hurt though, it doesn't bring you anymore emotion. It stuns you, you're captivated by it's some-what magic.
Sometimes you can't take yourself away from it, and others you have to immediately stop and change songs, or perhaps in some cases you might delete it.
All in all, music has that effect on people.
Lyrics are incredible things too. Sunken into our minds at the earliest point, and when life replicates those words, the song sketches back into your head, you may not even know the song, or you may have only heard it once. But it always seems to work, the words always seem to match up some what to your life. Your mind recognises the process and is like, 'are these the words you need?'
Music can reenforce emotion, can open new aspects and solutions, it's something quite incredible I never really took notice of until tonight.
I now 'disagree' with screamo-music(again, some-what), it is setting such negativity in peoples minds, and the words don't even get into our conscious mind so we can have that connection and relief that there is someone else going through the same thing as ourselves, it's drilled into our subconscious and I suppose it expresses inner emotion, but to listen to on a regular basis, when you're sitting in class or on the train, is really quite depressing; if you are depressed or on that path, I'm leaning towards being certain that it will not help, at all..
Maybe I'm just biased in that aspect, but music does things good and bad, like everything. But for something so moving, having negativity thrown into it is extremely concerning knowing that living things are listening to it, having it apart of their lives.
I personally think music should be a festive thing, to relax, revive, celebrate and enjoy life with.
It is a powerful instrument :D
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Needed a new post.. may as well be this
I have a tendency of not following through on long-term goals.. the ones that include strict diets and daily strenuous exercise to form the more toned me.
So I am beginning a series of short-term goals.
Weekly goals.
It's bound to stick.
So I was horrified that on Friday I ate nothing but a lot of sugar and bread and butter. I said I'd be healthy the next day to kind of detoxify from it, well today is the next day, and again I ate sugar all day. Yeeaah its the weekend, but it's not even the superficial side of it that really gets to me; I've been more tired (and yes, maybe that is also because I've been getting minimal sleep every night :p) and my stomach has just felt frail, I feel physically inept. somewhat.
I am proposing, that for the next week, I detox.
I go to hot yoga to release the toxins and have one whole week of rejuvenation, that means more raw foods, or if cooked they will be steamed or stewed to keep maximum nutrition, fruit up until 12pm and loootts of water. It may just be one week, but it will be one hell of a week, and perhaps I'll find a change to the way I feel (probably) and come to make it a reoccurring thing, I mean, it shouldn't even be something that I have to set as a goal.. as a vegetarian I should just be eating like that anyway.
No, I should be eating balanced.
But I guess this is to mentally stimulate myself some what, to grab my will power back and have brilliantly luminous eyes at the end of it also.... okay maybe that will take longer than a week.. but it will happen :D
Oh and tomorrow I make home made masala chai... :P ..caffeine free ;)
So I am beginning a series of short-term goals.
Weekly goals.
It's bound to stick.
So I was horrified that on Friday I ate nothing but a lot of sugar and bread and butter. I said I'd be healthy the next day to kind of detoxify from it, well today is the next day, and again I ate sugar all day. Yeeaah its the weekend, but it's not even the superficial side of it that really gets to me; I've been more tired (and yes, maybe that is also because I've been getting minimal sleep every night :p) and my stomach has just felt frail, I feel physically inept. somewhat.
I am proposing, that for the next week, I detox.
I go to hot yoga to release the toxins and have one whole week of rejuvenation, that means more raw foods, or if cooked they will be steamed or stewed to keep maximum nutrition, fruit up until 12pm and loootts of water. It may just be one week, but it will be one hell of a week, and perhaps I'll find a change to the way I feel (probably) and come to make it a reoccurring thing, I mean, it shouldn't even be something that I have to set as a goal.. as a vegetarian I should just be eating like that anyway.
No, I should be eating balanced.
But I guess this is to mentally stimulate myself some what, to grab my will power back and have brilliantly luminous eyes at the end of it also.... okay maybe that will take longer than a week.. but it will happen :D
Oh and tomorrow I make home made masala chai... :P ..caffeine free ;)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
It turns out I'm a girl
This is more for my sake than yours.
Until the end of year nine, my family thought I was going to be a lesbian.
I burped as loud and abruptly as my dad, disliked wearing nice things, hated the colour pink, was a total slob, didn't care if I had mud and grass stains all over me, and if I did it was because I was scared at the yelling I'd get from my mum who did and still does my unbelievable amount of washing. When I was fourteen I loved guys clothing, I loved big baggy jumpers- hoodies with no zips to be precise, I loved my old shoes and comfy jeans, I refused to wear any make up(and still do) and I cursed more than a sailor. (and of course the burping and other things still continued). OH and I told everyone I didn't like guys up until I got my 'first boyfriend' (it sounds like I'm a man eater if I don't put in the '')
Now I am sixteen, all of my traits are the same, however I've started to like wearing nice things.
That's about the only thing that has changed. oh other than J, who I love dearly.. and is a boy.
But I have come to realisation.. that I'm not straight.
I mean, why go write this on my blog? Who cares right? like why put it out there unless people ask for it? hmmm.. I'm excited about this discovery, or more.. honesty.
It lurked through me every time I looked at a girl, I could be taking photos of half a boob with my best friend to send to some guy she liked and be wishing that we'd just start making out, and then as I was falling asleep I fantasized about some big, round breasted, long blonde haired, loud-moaning naked chick bouncing in my face.
That was a weird night.
Further more, it was then that I came to terms with my sexuality. I laughed and kept it to myself. I had people I hardly knew ask me if I was but my answer was always no, no and no.
And the thing is, I couldn't 'be' with a woman, I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with one, I don't understand how men do!
We're wingers, moody, a lot of us are insecure thus hideously jealous, the most of us talk about absolute crap and always expect some sort of conversation, we like being the centre of attention(or maybe that's just me:P) and we get hell bitchy on one another. I really don't know how men stand us, all the same I am heavily appreciative :D My point is, I just find women ravishing, sexy... ultra appealing.
So, I'm a bisexual. funny how that happens... HOWEVER, I am predominately attracted to guys, guys are.. guys.. they're.. aahh, guys are just meant to fit with girls. nature made them perfectly.. it made all of us perfectly.... but nature made one guy in particular with a bucket of blue beryl, that whispers through his eyes and grew him hair of golden-deliciousness, it threw in some magic and let his jaw mature so it could hold the grand, bone-steps behind the most luscious lips you could ever imagine and a tongue of treacle.
That is only to describe his outer appearance, the way the world sees him.. just imagine what you find behind those ocean lit eyes.. a soul as magnificent as the sun, I can tell you that.
Oh and I completely forgot why I started this post, oh yeah.. well I can't really be bothered now.. but I was going to talk about me loving songs that remind me of J, and as soon as he leaves the room after kissing me I jump around in a circle with delight, his name lights up on the screen and does the same in my heart. I'm a girl, what can I say?
Until the end of year nine, my family thought I was going to be a lesbian.
I burped as loud and abruptly as my dad, disliked wearing nice things, hated the colour pink, was a total slob, didn't care if I had mud and grass stains all over me, and if I did it was because I was scared at the yelling I'd get from my mum who did and still does my unbelievable amount of washing. When I was fourteen I loved guys clothing, I loved big baggy jumpers- hoodies with no zips to be precise, I loved my old shoes and comfy jeans, I refused to wear any make up(and still do) and I cursed more than a sailor. (and of course the burping and other things still continued). OH and I told everyone I didn't like guys up until I got my 'first boyfriend' (it sounds like I'm a man eater if I don't put in the '')
Now I am sixteen, all of my traits are the same, however I've started to like wearing nice things.
That's about the only thing that has changed. oh other than J, who I love dearly.. and is a boy.
But I have come to realisation.. that I'm not straight.
I mean, why go write this on my blog? Who cares right? like why put it out there unless people ask for it? hmmm.. I'm excited about this discovery, or more.. honesty.
It lurked through me every time I looked at a girl, I could be taking photos of half a boob with my best friend to send to some guy she liked and be wishing that we'd just start making out, and then as I was falling asleep I fantasized about some big, round breasted, long blonde haired, loud-moaning naked chick bouncing in my face.
That was a weird night.
Further more, it was then that I came to terms with my sexuality. I laughed and kept it to myself. I had people I hardly knew ask me if I was but my answer was always no, no and no.
And the thing is, I couldn't 'be' with a woman, I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with one, I don't understand how men do!
We're wingers, moody, a lot of us are insecure thus hideously jealous, the most of us talk about absolute crap and always expect some sort of conversation, we like being the centre of attention(or maybe that's just me:P) and we get hell bitchy on one another. I really don't know how men stand us, all the same I am heavily appreciative :D My point is, I just find women ravishing, sexy... ultra appealing.
So, I'm a bisexual. funny how that happens... HOWEVER, I am predominately attracted to guys, guys are.. guys.. they're.. aahh, guys are just meant to fit with girls. nature made them perfectly.. it made all of us perfectly.... but nature made one guy in particular with a bucket of blue beryl, that whispers through his eyes and grew him hair of golden-deliciousness, it threw in some magic and let his jaw mature so it could hold the grand, bone-steps behind the most luscious lips you could ever imagine and a tongue of treacle.
That is only to describe his outer appearance, the way the world sees him.. just imagine what you find behind those ocean lit eyes.. a soul as magnificent as the sun, I can tell you that.
Oh and I completely forgot why I started this post, oh yeah.. well I can't really be bothered now.. but I was going to talk about me loving songs that remind me of J, and as soon as he leaves the room after kissing me I jump around in a circle with delight, his name lights up on the screen and does the same in my heart. I'm a girl, what can I say?
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