Yu

My thoughts and emotions scampered back and forth from my eyes to my finger tips, I was unsure what I wanted, what I actually wanted.

I was unsure of, not only who I wanted to love, but who I wanted to be in love with.

One part of me knew going back to him would be a mistake and I would regret it, another part of me longed for the same comfort I felt one year ago, I wanted to smell the same scent, kiss the same lips, if that's what I was meant to do.

I followed my instincts and went to see him, when we met it wasn't magical, it wasn't heart-lifting, eye-opening, or peaceful love that never left, it was like two friends going to hang out on the weekend, but we talked and travelled to his most relaxing spot at the highest spot at the park. 

"This is, funny" I said looking at his grown body across from mine, back against a pole. 

It was dark and I couldn't exactly make out his changed face in the shadows.

He walked over to me slowly, and kissed me. My body stood there in limp shock. No energy ran between our lips, only his desperate need for affection and control. I fused to get out of there, but after all that had happened it would have been most cruel to sprint off and never speak of it again.

"Lets sit down" After several minutes of a continuous standing, my body moving further away from his with every affectionate action, we sat down. 

His arms around me, long dark eye lashes swung in front of squinting eyes, mouth turned upwards and the softest cheeks feeling my worried breath. 
When I opened my eyes after every closing I expected to see large, round, capri blue eyes, ginger hair against my skin as I held a creamy face, succulent lips, and most of all I expected to feel a dreamy sensation when I connected with the boy. I expected to see our spirits flying together, celebrating such fullness.
But the boy wasn't who I expected at all, he wasn't who I ached to be with.
He was a boy I once loved but no longer did, he was someone in my past who once brought me great happiness but no longer did.

He continued to kiss me, I sighed, I turned my face away and finally he spoke.

"Whats.. wrong?" I looked up at the possums dancing in the branches above us

"I've fucked up, I feel like a terrible person.." my eyes began to water at the thought of the person I loved most, crumbled up in bed crying into their pillow.

"You're not a terrible person.." 

"No, I am.. I've fucked around J, you and myself.... this isn't right."

There was a small silence and then the boy replied,

"well I think it is."

We held another silence but this one lasted for several minutes more

"What are you thinking?" Looking down at his eye-catching blue jumped, veiny hands on my arms.

"I'm thinking.. that I am so extremely happy, and lucky"

"Please don't.. have too much trust in me.." 

"What do you mean? His grip softened.

"I've been a mess lately, I came here to see if we could work, if there was still something between us that hasn't finished.."

"and what did you find?" His voice was frail and mumbled.

"I found that.. I can't, do this... although you're a good kisser, it didn't feel right..."

"Why not?" he kept pushing.

"I love Jade." his grip loosened even more so

"and you don't love me?" 

"I love you, I'm not in love with you."

"Can't we try for a bit? Couldn't you love me again?"

I shook my head looking down at my shoes that sat themselves against the wall opposite me.

"no"

"I really fucked up that much, that you can never love me again?"

I nodded.

He sighed.

"and it's not only that, I met Jade."

He took his arms away from me and let his head fall into his hands, crying.

"You said you wanted to see me cry, I didn't think it would be like this."

"I'm sorry.. I know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I know you will find a girl who will love you more than I can love you, and you will love more than you love me."

"I don't think that will ever happen.. I don't see how I could love anyone this much, but you."

He pushed his body against mine, arms around me, crying, nose gurgling into my hair.

"I can't believe I fucked up that much...I'm really getting my karma now.... what am I saying, I don't even believe in that stuff!"

His arms fell away from mine and stood up, leaning against the edge of the playground, my hand on his back.

"I guess the only way now, is up really, I have to harden up, I need to get over you." 

"Yes."

--------------

I ran from the tram stop to your house; I was exhausted, mouth deserted from lack of water over the last three days. I pushed myself on, breathing your name with every pant and sprint.

My feet falling on the gravel I splattered a knock against your window, looking inside, no one was there.

I knocked on the front door. no one was there.

I called out your name in hope for some sort of answer. no one was there.

"fuck.." I sat on the wooden planks, tears falling from my eyes, "..what have I done.."

The outside light turned off so I got up to signal it back on. I went to sit back down and saw a movement from inside, I walked up to the door, it moved twenty centimetres open, in a steady movement. From inside, the tall, bald-headed man; looked at me, half surprised.

"I thought I saw someone creeping around outside, I saw the light come on and I thought it was Sonj."

"Is J here?" 

"uh no, he just left, I just took him to Jam*s.. you can call him" 

"ahh.. I don't have any credit because I usually use my sisters phone but it had no battery.."

"oh okay, well... I don't know how else you can contact him"
I sighed.

"alright, thanks anyway.. sorry if I woke you"

I walked up the drive way kicking my insides. how the fuck was I supposed to get to Jam*s.. he had moved so many times I had no idea where to begin.

I had, had a gianormous fight with my parents for calling 1800REVERSE in the past, but I had no other way of contacting you.
Listening to the ironic song; Take A Bow by Rihanna, I stood staring at the white plated house, feeling late and guilty.
I told mum to call you to call me.
Your name drilled on the screen, I picked up within one ring; ecstatic to hear your voice.










--------------

I saw your figure run up the hill in my direction, the cached patterned material.
It was like the two people in a movie who realise they feel the same way about each other. 
The magic, heart-lifting, eye-opening, peaceful love that was only now so clear and vivid.
You are not just some boy I like, some boy in my life who I've grown to love out of repetition, some guy I look at and want to 'do', you're not just the person I am with. You're not just the person that I met after R. 
You're my best friend, a soul mate of some sort, an electrifying energy runs between us, I felt it when I first met you, but my past caught up with me and covered my eyes with a sticky paint. 
When I kiss you my whole heart sways, when I look at your eyes I see our souls play and move together.  
We met on the side strip and I felt myself wanting you all my life. It was the distinct feeling where I really knew how I felt.
We cried out of happiness, grief, sorrow and amazement. 


I am sorry. I will stand by you, I will wait for as long as I have to for you to forgive and trust me again.
I know I did wrong by you, but I am promising to make it up to you, to make you the happiest person.


I love you Jade.
I love Yu Jade.
I love Jade Yu.