Testing

When will the world stop testing me? Never; "The soul feeds off mystery". But I've had enough of fucking mystery. I'm sick of thinking about J aaalll day long, asking myself, questioning myself consistently on how I'm feeling about the whole situation, if I flirt back to the guy who's flirting with me or don't I? Do I tell J I'm interested but don't want to be the one that always initiates things with people, or do I wait to see what life brings, wait to see if he initiates things with me.
I believe that if a guy really wants you, they'll make it happen.

I'm completely exhausted, I'm so sick of thinking. I just want some intimacy with someone without thinking, without words. Just.. being. Not necessarily being physical, just, being.


All I have to say is, fuck this shit.

Inspirational Fearlessness

The prospect of traveling alone scares the crap out of me. Sure I've had an upper hand and traveled to europe in my growing up, I kind of know what to expect in Thailand, Indonesia, Hong Kong. But I don't really know what is out there. In a sense, me traveling by myself on foreign land is just as much my first time traveling as it is the next person; that is scary.
I always kind of thought I'd be okay traveling by myself. But even now just working, taking the responsibility of  my own banking, transportation and food, that has taken it's toll; already I've found myself stressing about money and I haven't even scampered out from under the roof of my parents.

I'm on my lonesome. There is no back up plan to life, there is no person that is going to hold my hand through the journey and tell me that it's all going to be okay when I'm freaking out about something-or-rather. I have to be my own back up plan, my own hand to hold my other, have my own hawk-like eyes to watch the every move of local men and thieves in the outer regions of the land so my life-rug isn't fanned from under my legs.

I have to say, I am ridiculously, tremendously, trying-not-to-be--indulgently attracted to my ex-boyfriend. He's taking a year off and seeing the world, it's amazing and I am so so happy for him. And with that has come my wild attraction for him. Always wanting what I can't have, loving the daring, inspired by the courageous and fearless. It's terrible, really. But I can't help it. I don't even see him and he turns me on.
In saying that, I am completely okay with being just friends. Truly.

And you know what else? Hormones are crazy little things that make up the majority of the entirety of our body, but even though I want to have sex like crazy, there are so many better opportunities and experiences that are waiting to happen. It can be easy to forget that, to get sucked into the parties and social gatherings you see on social networks, but just forget about it, let it all go. Life isn't happening on the computer, it's not even happening too much at parties (unless you're really really really into parties :P) but it's happening out THERE! Out there in LIFE. Out in the African jungles with the apes and snakes, in the mongolian dust and sand, in the hilly slopes and peaks of South America, with the goats and dogs, in the ocean salt of Greece, the jelly fish and donkeys. Or at least, that is where it is at for me at the moment.

Grandparents

Seeing your grandparents is one of the most grounding and rewarding things you can do for yourself, and them.
It really brings you back down to earth, you recognise parts of yourself in them and remember that we don't live forever, our youth is not and cannot be sustained forever. Although it can be sad thinking these wonderful people will probably not live for another 50 years, it is easier to understand that with death brings new life and that one day their eyes will be the sand, their skin will be the ocean and their laugh will be the wind.
One day you will look at the world and remember all the beautiful memories with them, you remember them and see them in your everyday life; they have returned back to nature and blossomed into new buds.

Seeing your grandparents really embeds family values into you. The love you received as a child comes bubbling to the surface and all the fights, anguish and disrespect you have had at times towards your parents, dissipates and you suddenly would do absolutely anything in the world for them and everybody else in your life.
Ugliness does not exist; often we see old people and shudder, curse at them or think they're a waste of space, but when you get to connect and have the company of your grandparents it smacks you in the face that you don't really get ugly. Lines and wrinkles in your skin aren't horrible, bags under your eyes aren't disappointing, crooked fingers aren't disgusting. All of those things are beautiful and can just as much be a part of life as shitting your pants is, as an eight-month old.

Somehow, seeing your grandparents brings peace to your core. Your love expedites to everyone and everything.

You make me want to die. turn into a rock and drop to the bottom of the ocean, watch you surf the waves above me, thats how I feel. If I just met you, you could read that and interoperate it in a way that describes falling in love. and now.. its a similar feeling.. but opposite. Its the opposite of falling in love.. yet... so similar, so intense, so powerful. It is familiar to love, only painful.
I don't know how you let go so easily, I envy it though.
Starting a new life is the most difficult thing ever, you not being around makes it even harder...

I had some faith, or hope.. or something in me before, about us being together again.. or meeting each other again and starting a fresh and not holding onto what we were in the past. But now, I'm acknowledging that you don't want any of that, we're not what we used to be, we're not together.

I feel like a cork board, studded with little pins stunting my surface, digging into my skin and flesh. and the shadows fall even deeper, even heavier they hang like ghosts dripping from a cold, wet tap.

Something Like Hope

You know, I'm pretty sure J always thought that he'd be the one having to get over me for the longest amount of time, if/when we broke up. But it appears to be the opposite.
I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over him, I find other guys hot but I legitimately couldn't bring myself to flirt with them or go out of my way to get with them. I just remember J, I even got off to him the other night, which is something I have held back from doing the entire 2 months since we split up. And I have to say, it was probably the best orgasm I've ever given myself. All the time, some way or another he's always on my mind, I'm constantly on the look out for him, I travel home a certain way in hope of seeing him.
But I've only seen him once since we broke up, and especially since then, I just want him.

I can't deny that the uncertainty is playfully nice, but I have a feeling that it is not at all playful, I have a feeling sooner rather than later I'm going to be slapped in the emotional face and have to deal with him choosing to completely get over me and move on, that there is no 'play' between us, yet here I am still setting myself up for failure, false hoping myself that when we both turned around at the station when we walked off after seeing and talking to one another, it meant something.. something like hope.

I'm trying to get over him, I'm trying to fancy other people, not in an emotional way, but in a physical way. My body just doesn't want it.

Regret is a Valuable Lesson

Regret is a Valuable Lesson

I regret a lot of things now a day. A lot of things I do that I never think I will and then I end up completely angry at myself for doing them, for giving into someones shit, for not speaking up for myself, for not putting my foot down, for not rejecting someone, for not telling someone to fuck off when I should have, for letting people waste my time.
I can't sit around and blame the world for my problems, I can't blame the men that pretend they know me in order for me to stop and talk to them so that they can try pick me up and then get annoyed when I lie and say I have a boyfriend and they literally ask me why I stopped for them, and it's a bloody good question, why did I do that/let that happen? But it fucking sucks having to answer it, or justify yourself, because you completely know you did the wrong thing, immensely in regard to yourself, and if it were in a different circumstance you could have easily done the wrong by someone else - and that is even more scary.
The problem is me, it is ourselves; habits, insecurities, naivety. It is not the cause, it is how we react to the cause that makes us disappointed in ourselves or proud of ourselves. thats the whole thing, reaction, not proaction.

I never used to believe in regrets. Now I do, but I am learning to only believe in them because they provide massive lessons to us, that may not be able to be learnt otherwise.

One day, when we have understood, learnt, challenged and grown, we will have the wisdom and experience that is valuable to help teach and provide rest-assuring comfort to others in similar positions. The worst thing about regrets is that they're often embarrassing, you know that you're better than that and that is exactly why you regret it. and so to admit it to other people is daunting, fucking terrifying and humiliating. But once you get yourself through it, the hard miles, the beat-up, the anger, you come out knowing that you have learnt from it and now it doesn't have to happen again, as long as you keep aware of yourself. From there, you will have a greater, stronger, more genuine ability to give assistance; a trustworthy, empathetic, compassionate personality.

Now the key isn't to think about your ability to help others in the future when they're in a similar situation, when you're in the dumps and humiliating remorse, or whatever the toll has been of the experience(whatever that may have been). The key is to focus on yourself, identify what went wrong and correct yourself, hard line engrain into your skin, blood and bones what it is that you want and who you want to be, and then you will naturally get to to a point where you will forgive yourself; from there you will be able to help others greatly.

Good Feeling Songs - Easy access when itunes is being a little bitch

Try Pleasuring yourself to this; it is heaven, bliss.

"Thinkin' bout *her*, thinkin' bout me, thinkin' bout everything we're gonna be.. open my eyes, it was only just a dream"

When I heard the smile of stories in their eyes, their upbeat tones and shrugs of the situation's simplicity, I felt crushed; the world was suddenly grey-scale.
The hopeful beating in my chest stopped, I smiled off the gurgling tears, like rampant bacteria shoving themselves through Troys gates, they were so roaring and rigid, I swallowed them down my throat into a lump in my chest. I buried the tears like a little fairy digging a hole, curling up and sitting in it. and then eating her way further and further into the blackness, with mud smothered over her little round crimson face.

I tried to think about the boy as I lay in bed, naked and cold. The moon dripped into the room, the cool blue tinge tainting all the rancid colours of unkept materials that were scattered on the floor. I couldn't think about him without feeling hurt, without feeling gone and all was at an end. I couldn't feel a sense of comfort when I imagined him by my side. Sometimes it still doesn't feel as though anything happened.. it's just like a solid lump of time in history that I've tried to push away and forget. A feeling of amnesia but with a dry, salty taste of tears in my mouth whenever I attempt to unlock the solid lump.

My heart had to say goodbye those days ago.
Waking up; everything always seems fresh.. seems new. There is that moment when you first wake up when you don't think, you only feel, you're in your prime, in your animal. It is wonderful.
And then the thoughts come, words come into place as you try to logically reason and figure out what your feelings mean, and how they should be responded to.
I think I understand the boy. I think. actually, I feel it. But after what I had heard, everything changed. My body detached itself from any little pieces of hope it ever had managed to grasp onto in desperation.

Perhaps it is just the beginning of a big, tremendous turn over, with wonderful change and new life in me. But it is so scary and daunting knowing what is happening in the depths of my consciousness- or unconsciousness rather - yet still being tied to habits like a ball and chain.
I can only prey and do my very best to surpass and accept and move on from everything I was and currently am, into a self that I want to be. Unfortunately there is no room in my heart or mind for anybody else in an intimate sense, as much as my biology, habitual knowings and soul yearns for it, whilst I'm on this journey, at least, I really.. really don't think so.

A great big part of me still wants to be with the boy.. man.. guy... him. But there is so much fear in my heart. Fear of myself, of that ball and chain of my own demons.
But over time.. I guess, who doesn't love a great tackle to the ground, into the soil to plant a new sprout of life, from what was once utter fear?

Where Is The Spirituality

Something has happened to my intuition, my spirituality, I'm not liking it.
Recently I have uncovered a bit of my past, a bit of how I work on a psychological level, it has been liberating and brilliant. I feel a lot more happy most of the time then I have in a really long time, no longer do I feel like there is some divine man out in the world that is especially for me, the prospect of that idea of course is wonderful, warming and comforting, but the reality is that, how often does that happen? How is there any way of me knowing for sure that I'm going to meet that man? I can't. I now believe that love is a choice, you have to work hard and make decisions, not let life just happen to you, but to direct life in the direct you want.
But with this restful sense of release, where I am no longer looking out for 'the one', I feel like I've also lost my intuition, my intuition that was so precise and intense. I feel like my love for animals is starting to fade, that my annoyance with a dog I looked after for two weeks has suddenly scoped me or something.. into a way of thinking about animals as just other living things. I feel like I'm taking my own pet for granted, I see her laying in the sun and I don't want to run up and cuddle her anymore.
Perhaps I am maturing. Perhaps it's that I acknowledge that animals where I live, have a good life, pets on the street don't want to be pet by a stranger, they want their owners. Perhaps I've learnt more about animal psychology so I'm less eager to be in their face and have them in mine.
Perhaps it is that all sorts of new things are happening in my life, I'm discovering who my real friends are, I've began working two new jobs where I've been able to express my love for food and have an outlet for my desire for human interaction. Perhaps I'm getting caught up in these new things and new people that I'm meeting, that I am forgetting my greater purpose.
Perhaps it is that I didn't get into the animal course that I wanted, when I found out, I cried and cried and cried and cried. Perhaps since then, alongside the hustle and bustle of new experiences I'm engaged with, I have pushed my passion for animals aside and began focussing on other things, so I don't wilt down and give up on life.
I've known all my life that animals are the reason I was born on this earth, I don't want to lose faith now. The trees don't speak to me anymore like they used to, I feel like nature is now an old friend that I desperately miss and want to reconnect with... but I'm unsure how to.

Coco

Coco.
Milky coco, white and frothy. Hairy like a banana's old skin, soft like paletted nectar with little rose pedal shimmers soaking through the white ocean froth from the blotchy skin underneath.
Little brown eyes like cappuccino, dusty fog, rusty metallic silk.
A little daring attitude, completely playful and upbeat. Like nothing else she is completely unique, a heart of gold and a fearless smile of slobbery tongue and caring tooth kisses.
Wet nose like a winter fire; stormy and gushing down with rain, steaming up the hot plates of cobbles and cement.