It may not aesthetically match up to your classic sweet blonde that fondles your mouth, laughs at all your unfunny jokes and says 'I give you all your daily goodness' yet secretly knows its ripping you off with milk and added sugar. But this little baby is plump, cold, thick-skinned and intensely sweet. She's the short protruding brunette with too much going for her that it couldn't possibly all fit in to her physique like our tall, blonde model here.

 "Hi.. I'm exceptionally good in combat, helping your bowels move smoothly and give you a supremo amount of energy with your every lick". That is what this smoothie would say if she were on a date (maybe I'll make this into a day-time drama and next week bring date and tahini smoothie onto the set).
Her human-to-human interaction may not have it going for her -though I'm sure the last bit tickles a bit of a fancy for you- but thank god she's a smoothie and not in a line up to get in anyone's pants. In fact she's the complete opposite; she is what your body keeps within it's walls, not what comes out!
Her earthy colour comes from 'Vital Greens' The ultimate organic phyto-nutrient superfood packed with so many minerals and vitamins I couldn't possibly fit the details into one post. Her cleansing properties not only come from back-of-throat sweetener cantaloupe (which also contains an entire listing of minerals and disease-preventative antioxidants); but from Chia seeds.
Chia seeds are packed with omega 3 for all you vegetarians out there! Amino acids and a LOT of dietary fibre!!!
Frozen bananas are mushed into the brown.. mash, providing energy, potassium and B vitamins to ward off depression. We all know the incredible effort frozen blue berries put into our optimal health, they fight off disease, keep our immunity high and invigorate our skin with a clean, fluid glow. Mangoes are a big one! Believe it or not they are the perfect carbohydrate-rich breakfast, absolutely packed with minerals, antioxidants and flavonoids, and the ABC Vitamin gang! 100% orange juice brings all of these delicacies together, smothering them into one big brown lady.

She's fly, high and the perfect breakfast; this is how you make her!

- 1 half of a mango (1 mango cut down each side around pip and placed into freezer over night)  - Additional mango could enhance the smoothie
- 1 large handful of frozen blueberries or alternative berry of your choice
- 1 1/2 Frozen banana (cut into pieces before freezing)
- 1 heaped tsp of vital greens
- 1-2 heaped tsp of chia seeds
- 1/4 cantaloupe
- orange juice cover half of ingredients in mixture

Consistency is thick and gluggy. Non-frozen fruits can be used alternatively if you prefer a more fluid juice rather then a eat-with-spoon kind of smoothie, or leave mixture in fridge to warm slightly.

Shattered Dragon With A Candle

Salty petals fall over large bounds of creamy pillows, they drip right into the dragons mouth, hot and steaming with sorrow. The dragon has thick purple scales, shimmering like a beetroot in the dry and dusty sunlight, her eyes are dark and misty green like the lotus' sun bed, a tropical hailstorm beating down on the deep amazon's river, fat droplets catapulting themselves onto a shelter of cracked rocks and silver gems pointing through shards of violet. Her cry is loud and screechy, her nostrils flare and huff a dusty smoke as she clams her claws into the earth beneath her, pulling up roots and worms between her pointy milky nails. A thick, deep lilac tale falls against the rippled earth, it bathes there in her ceding. She takes a final sigh as she hits the ground and the plane around her thunders; a dragon knows when she is defeated, defeated by her own worst enemy- herself.
There she hangs her head, her long snout breathes heavily and deeply, sucking in all the smoke and sadness she breathed out. She will not breath such fire again. The fire she will breath will be different, she does not know it yet, has not come to friend such an empathetic loveable companion of fire, she has only ever known to breath out the strongest and tightest heat, regardless of it's true purpose, regardless of it's ability to nurture and love. She has only known anguish and defeat, arrogance and selfishness. But that fire is gone, the gas bubbling in her stomach has poised out and she is soon to gobble up, in her hour of starvation, a new little candle that will light her belly and gleam out through her eyes. The candle will teach her to give herself to others, the fire she will breath will be sun shower, bubbling the whole world in it's warmth and serenity.
But for now she hangs her head, praying to the little candle that it will light her belly and warm her soul.

"I'd Rather Be In Hell" - By PAULO COELHO 26/12/11 -REPOSTED

[Reposted from paulocoelhoblog.com]

“I’d rather be in hell”

by PAULO COELHO on DECEMBER 26, 2011

Illustration by Ken Crane

As soon as he died, Juan found himself in a gorgeous place, surrounded by all the comfort and beauty he had dreamed of.

A fellow dressed in white approached him and said, “You have the right to have whatever you want; any food, pleasure or amusement.”

Charmed, Juan did everything he dreamed of doing during his life. After many years of pleasures, he sought the fellow in white and asked, “I have already experienced everything I wanted. Now I need to work in order to feel useful.”

“I am sorry,” said the fellow in white, “but that is the only thing I am unable to give you. There is no work here.”

“How terrible,” Juan said annoyed, “I will spend eternity dying of boredom! I’d much rather be in hell!”
The man in white approached him and said in a low voice:
“And where do you think you are?”
 
 

I Would Like To Dedicate This Post

"Allow your heart to guide you from a place of Love and not ego. Know that each person comes into our lives as our teachers as we learn many things from them, as we teach them many things too."


Life is full of lessons, everything can provide us with a teaching; the ant's mighty strength, the canine's brave loyalty,  the feline's contentment and precision, the worm's virtue, the tree's patience.
Life is a lesson.
I have learnt a real lot in the last two years; I have learned to appreciate others for who they are, to accept myself, to remind myself what I believe and to continuously focus on improving myself, yet accepting and embracing the present moment.
I am learning to follow my heart from a place of 'love and not ego'. It's difficult seeing someone you once had the chance to give yourself to, be so attractive, happy, full and strong, it's hard when they don't need or want you in their life anymore. But I am learning to let go of that difficulty and love people for who they are, and the decisions they make that they think are important. Life will go on, even when I'm dead, when I finish writing this blog,  life will still be there.. still happening, it always will for eternity.
It will be hard at times, but the lesson is to remind myself that we all make choices. I made decisions in the past, that now I regret, but I learned from them, and now I am learning to respect the decisions of others. 


I would like to dedicate this post to everyone in my life, to everyone in the world, all creatures, all energies; you teach me to become a better person, my guardian angels help me take what I need from those lessons in order to become a better person, and further help the world.
The universe is one big helping, giving, loving energy. 'Love is everything and everywhere', I think I finally understand that, or at least I am in the process of learning.
So thank you, and I will live my life helping all life forms, be the best they can be, make decisions that make them happy, but also so they can embrace themselves to also help others. 

Wisdom Snippet

The hardest part in life. Is most definitely keeping true to yourself, but what makes it most hard is that everyone around us thinks we should live like them, take their advice.


People throw themselves away. 


Love can be expressed deeply through sex. That's why you don't have to have a hard time not being attracted to other people when you're in a relationship, because sex is especially for the person you love.

Hitting The Wall

When you hit the wall, your body is converting over from using carbohydrate glycogen stores as a source of fuel to move and function, to fats.
Fats require a lot more oxygen to produce glycogen that can be used as energy by the body, however it produces the most glycogen more than any other source.

I hit the wall, for the first time ever. It was wretched and skinning.
There I was attempting to follow the steps in the gym class, a few seconds off beat as I lifted my slagging arms and hips, sweat dripping from my every pore. I could not move, I was ragged, like an old broom stick sweeping aside the pigeon droppings off from the kitchen stone floor.
Being skinny was not worth the feeling; I suddenly realised a partial reason as to why I hadn't the same 'oomph' in the bedroom in recent times. There I was having lost my appetite, eating what might have only been 700 calories that day, trying to attempt a high-impact dance class after already completing an hour of yoga and frantically sprinting to the gym from the tram stop - I basically used all 700 calories just doing that.
Sure it was nice to see a flat stomach for the first time, I didn't have to suck in to look aesthetically sexy. But what is the point of looking thin and beautiful if you don't even have the energy to move and jump around? Having the stamina and enthusiasm for movement and life, surpasses a flat stomach and shapely waist any day.
So, I have finally come to accept and love my fuller figure. Not that I'm at all fat or overweight, but I'm bigger than the average girl my age. Thats what you get for being half wog and half irish, and honestly, I love it. Anyone who doesn't love it doesn't need to be around it, it is as simple as that.
Girls (and guys a lot more these days!) place way too much emphasis on what their physique looks like. How do you FEEL? That is what is important.
We know our limits, we know what we need, we just need to listen.
I guess sometimes you need to nearer* an extreme to see the horizon of the alternative.

8pm

Every night at eight pm, tears bubble up and welts, like paint plastered on my throat
I try to hold them back, the tears, but they come out with my face all scrunched up like used toilet paper.
It's not easy for me, previous posts make it out as if I am so
but the thought of you now with another woman, makes me cringe and want to die,
like the wicked witch of the west, when splattered with water, she burns and fries.
Your email made me happy, I wasn't expecting it at all,
I thought you left us long gone, I wouldn't be surprised.
I feel like that's what I deserve, if only I could go back
But I guess it was an experience in our hands, from which we will learn and grow and not do the same wrong things again.
As long as you are happy, that is all I can hope and wish for. Truly I hope you are
Be happy and full of passion, let those blue eyes of yours splash the world with joy and freedom, love and music, spread it around, like Jesus and his fish and bread, who fed 200 people
Who you are is beautiful, the world sees and nourishes that
I love you. Be happy and free to yourself. I love you

My Best Friend, Where Have You Gone?

Where have you gone?
My best friend, where are you? You would cuddle me at night, keep me warm and safe.
You understood me, I understood you. We would talk about our friends, smile that we have each other.
We would talk about our family, how we felt, or at least you did. I tried, I'm trying harder.
Where have you gone? My best friend, we were each others night gowns.
We both love to write, play music, dance, learn, grow, explore, be wild, feel the wind on our skin, feel the cold water and salty, thick ocean in our hair and eyes.
I guess that wasn't enough. We both know there is a one out there for each of us.
Please don't think I didn't love you, please don't think I don't.
My best friend, where have you gone?

To Understand

You'll be in my heart, you'll be in my brain, you'll be in my body
We have to move on from what we've been, but we'll be okay.
It will be hard at times, so fucking painful.
What we had was brilliant, and now here it is at its end,
But I have hope in my heart, that one day we will be friends, and bask in the energy of each other.
We have our things to do; you save people, I save nature, in that way we will work together.
Don't be sad, I still love you, just not in a way that we can be together, and fondle each others bodies.
One day I wont be jealous of the girl you'll be sitting next to, holding her hand
I hope she empathises that what we have is special.
You'll find your one, and I think in time we will learn and understand,
until then we will do our very best, to do what we can.
This is my attempt at poetry, I hope I read more of what you have to write.

Dreams

I still have dreams about you every night, we do things together, we're best friends. I wake up feeling like you're still in my life, I guess thats why I feel better in the morning than the afternoon, because you're closer to me in the morning, we're still together in the morning- somewhat

Overcoming

To overcome something -a thought, fear, OCD, or any kind of issue- you must do the exact opposite
It takes practice. But it can be achieved.
Months ago, about a year ago, I had bad bad thoughts. I had thoughts about horrible situations, hurting, killing people, people killing me, all my dreams were about me being killed, someone being after me or the people I love; but then my boyfriend at the time told me something.
First he accepted me :)
He told me it was okay and reassured me that I was a good person
He asked me why I had those thoughts and dreams
He then told me 'you're not your thoughts'; this is very often forgotten-especially by myself!
He then told me not to worry about it 'just stop thinking about it, you don't even need to think about not thinking about it.. just stop' -It wasn't in those words but thats how I interpreted it.
He also told me to change the thought, put it into a different context, make it funny, stupid, silly. Make the thought something you are no longer scared of, from there you no longer worry about it, your focus on it disintegrates and soon you think what you want to think.

Slowly over time (and when I began to relax more), the thoughts went away, I didn't have compulsions to do or say things, I no longer had visions when hugging someone that I wanted to stab them. The watching of dark, creepy and films with the topic of murder and such, also made the frequency of these thoughts heighten, so once I stopped watching them the thoughts also stopped.
But mostly the thoughts went away simply because I stopped thinking about them, and eventually my dreams. My dreams became more 'normal'.

But then other problems arose, which I'm sure you're aware of as to what they were if you have read previous posts from me this month. I will not go into them now, but that is my strategy.

It's not good having my once-loveable partner away from me, now that he is my 'ex'. It's not good at all, I cannot say thank you to him enough for all the times he helped me. I prey and hope that he learnt things from me also, that I helped me in some ways. I hope I made him as happy as he made me, even more. I hope he is so happy now. I still love him, and I think with a more greatly trained mind I will be able to feel and realise that more so. Not just realise it when I'm sad, but during every day life.

Something I Have Learnt About Myself Over the Years

Over the last couple of years, it happens more and more, I have these words that come into my mind and they're often perfect for the situation. A couple years ago songs would be similar; a song that was quite relevant for my life at that moment would randomly come into my head, it was as if I got insight into my subconscious out of no where that I could control (or at least I don't know how to yet)
In school for example, if I needed a word but didn't know what, to describe or explain myself, a word I wouldn't even really know the meaning of would come into the front of my mind. To begin with I didn't trust it, I used to ask people what the word would mean and I found that it almost always meant what I wanted to say, eventually in school in the middle of an essay or a test I would use these words, I began to trust them and use them. The experience of it enabled me to have a greater vocabulary, however it doesn't always happen. And sometimes I will be in the middle of something else, middle of doing something completely different and a website or something significant will come into my mind. 'Habit Forge' popped into my mind tonight, I hadn't always been extremely responsive or that focussed in conversation when my ex-partner would bring it up and talk about it, but obviously it had sunk in, and now when I needed it most it came to me, I remembered.
Perhaps the mind does that as a way to survive, when you need something most to handle a situation it lets you off from the possible struggle. Maybe?

Always Home

The scent of you still wafts in my mind, in all its lovableness and warmth. I smell your pants that I wore home, and I remember your smooth white chest that I would kiss and lay my hand on when you didn't want to be tickled. The trail of hair that was somehow darker than all the rest on your body, around your bellybutton, soft and clean, it made me so wildly attracted to you that day at the park, you definitely impressed me. Kissing your forehead which was also so soft, and those big full lips you'd pout out and I kissed on the train, I remember it exactly and I miss it. Your hands were so gentle and caressed me with such care and love, and your arms with the three little freckles in the shape of a triangle always let me know that I was home, like the stars in the sky. Your legs that had some kind of smoothness to them even though they were thick with blonde curls, I hope you know I never judged your psoriasis, it made you, you and I love it. I adored kissing you all over, you always felt, smelt and tasted amazing, you were always 'home'. You taught to me how to love and accept other people, how to accept myself. You always made me feel better, always treated me well, you gave me kisses and wiped my tears. You looked out for me and reminded me who I was, what my values were. You encouraged me to express myself, to look at my thoughts and think about what I was doing and saying, or what I was going to do/say. You helped me get over my fears, you helped me pick up what I thought was somewhat 'gross' to touch; snails and worms. You accepted me, I think. You always loved my size and never told me I was fat or needed to change the way I looked. You liked me without make up so much more, and I did love your birthday last year, when you showed how much you actually genuinely liked me, by not liking my make up, but I'm sorry you had to look at something you didn't like on your birthday. You encouraged me to be my best, to have hobbies and love myself. You help everyone you know, you always look out for them, you're the most kind, warm, generous person I have ever met in my life.


and I have to add, I love licking your ear lobes.

I Am Sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I am happy that I wont hurt you anymore, I am glad you get to be happy and be with someone who treats you well 100% of the time
I've been an idiot and I am sorry

I did love you, no matter if you think I didn't.

It Says Everything I Need To

Remember, remember

I don't care what anyone fucking thinks, I don't care about science, biology or any of that crap. We make choices, everything in life is sacred. Love is everything and everywhere.


Oh life, thank you for being tough. I know you'll get easier.

Go With the Flow and Dance!

At a similar period of time where I began having thoughts of other people, particularly during sex- although I am not suggesting, that the following is the very cause -I became more self conscious of myself, and specifically whilst I was dancing. I never used to care what I looked like, I just danced. It came from being at parties where people didn't dance with me, so I learnt to love my own dancing and to dance by myself, express my self in my movement.

Recently I remember feeling in a state of unknowing what to do with myself, do I move my hips like this? How do I make myself look like that person? Do I look sexy enough while I dance? I used to be better. < Thoughts like that. However that is precisely what makes you even 'worse' at dancing, because you're no longer feeling the music, you're thinking about it.

Similarly, it's more common for men to think about other women during sex than it is for women to think about men during sex, could this have something to do with the fact that women in this society are more so in-tune with their feelings and more expressive of them, then men are? Men are more frequently greater thinkers (as in, think more often) and perhaps this correlates as to why men have higher rates of depression than women (of course aside from post-natal depression.) and therefore as to why they more commonly the gender to think about other people during sex.

So perhaps there is a link, between being in your head too much and not being able to dance confidently. In fact, confidence comes down to feeling yourself and not thinking about what you're going to feel or what you think you should do to appear or feel confident; just being is confidence. As goes with sex; when you're not expressing your true, inner self and you're more worried about what you look like, how you act, or what your partner wants you to do, etc, not only are you decreasing the amount of love you give that person and therefore more likely to seek other partners during sex or have sexual fantasies about other people, but you also get stuck in your head, and then thinking about just ANYTHING which makes the pleasure drop at a 180º angle.

I think the key is actually to get 'caught up' in it all; for me personally, the greatest sex I've ever had-physical pleasure wise- was actually when I was so caught up in it, I didn't think about anything at all and I just went with the flow.

Isn't it funny that the saying goes, 'people that are good at dancing are good in bed'! Well there you go! Perhaps it all has to do with being in the present, and doing what you really want to - not what your mind (which isn't YOU) wants to!

Xmas Shortbread Baking!

This morning I stumbled out of bed at 8:00am; the sky clearly hadn't yet recovered from it's gurgles and grumbles from last night and the clouds kept themselves huddled close together like a silver quilt over the suburbs.
M and I had signed ourselves up for some shortbread baking for the homeless in chapel street, so off we went on the rickerting tram to find ourselves in a large silver-top kitchen and several other women. M and I worked as a team; I melted the butter and M mixed the dry ingredients. Women were coming from all over, "Mine doesn't look like yours.. yours looks better than mine", "Maybe you can cut mine into pieces, I'll ruin it", "She does this for a living". Although these attitudes were somewhat complimentary, it was sad to see women in their middle-aged curls are upset faces to feel so insecure in their abilities.
The melting of the butter and the kneading of the mixture, as I spread it evenly into each corner of the pan was meditative and relaxing, an aroma of sweet butter poured into the room out of the ovens, pushing the little whiffs of hair off of our faces and warming our cheeks.

It was nice knowing that our efforts were going to a good cause; that people that otherwise would have eaten nothing, got to enjoy some of the biscuits we spent that morning baking. It was exactly what I had wanted to do lately; bake some amazing foods, give them to neighbours, friends, family, all just for the sake of it, because I felt like it. So todays mission was a great outlet for that.

I've been feeling good today, my mind hasn't been completely focussed, but more to the point I haven't been particularly strict with myself, I found that cooking compensated for a meditation though that is a lazy way out I suppose.. I HAVE TO STICK WITH PLAN *whoochi*
Look at that, making jokes. To begin with I saw that as bad, like 'I feel good therefore does that mean I'm happy I'm not with Jade?' but as my sister wisely corrected me, 'It shows that you still remained yourself in the relationship so you're okay with being by yourself, if you gave yourself up completely and became-an almost-extension of them, then you would feel as though you literally couldn't live without them. Some of what you miss might be because of loneliness or habit, that any other person could fill in, and some of it is missing what they brought into the relationship. Usually when you keep yourself busy you don't have time to be alone and think about things, you don't feel as reliant on the relationship'

I don't quite know what love 'means' anymore, a wise person once told me that love is different for everyone. I'm starting to think that maybe love isn't as scarce as what everyone makes it out to be, maybe it's enjoying somebody's company, or perhaps it's feeling like they make life better... I believe that the most; when you're in love you don't necessarily feel like you can't be happy without that person, but life is better with them. You can share your inner-self with them, and they can share their inner-self with you, and when you feel connected- that is love.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Of course its always the times you need sleep the most, and when you have all the time in the world and nobody asking anything of you, that you can't sleep, sit, wait and wish-as the song goes- and you look out your window in the middle of the night hoping that the person you're thinking about hears your thoughts and some how miraculously replies to you.
I cannot tell if it was just myself, but tonight I was on the computer and out of no where came this voice saying 'I love you Angelique'. Have I turned into a schizophrenic since he's been gone? or did something.. happen? I can't be sure. I was lying in bed earlier thinking about him, and I thought.. maybe he's online!? I went online; he wasn't asleep! and he updated his status several minutes later, I liked it.. I had to, because I genuinely liked it and I wasn't going to hold back just because we said we weren't going to talk for the next week or so.
So here I am, feeling alive and in the present.. well I was, now not so much; the computer does that. MAYBE THATS BEEN THE PROBLEM ALL ALONG
maybe. anyway, I'm working on myself.
Why didn't I have this eagerness and show this much enthusiasm for a lack of sleep when it was most wanted?

Is It Real?

It doesn't feel real, it feels like I'm going to see you in a couple of days. I know I probably wont.. I know this time you're serious when you say we shouldn't be together.
I don't know when it will sink in; some parts of the day I feel myself going back to old habits, other times I miss you so much and want nothing more in the world than to make love to you and give you the attention you deserve. I feel like I haven't been close to anyone in the longest time, nobody seems real.. it's a bizarre feeling

Never Take Anyone or Anything For Granted

It's only day 1, not that I plan on counting... but I don't feel, I feel wasted, I don't want to do anything knowing I'm not able to cuddle up in his arms in the night, breathe in that warm scent that I LOVE and look into the eyes of a soulmate.
I know I have to change myself, and the faster I become happy and focussed, the faster he and I will work, and I will be a good girlfriend to him.
My biggest fear, is that he'll find someone else, but I guess even if he does, he deserves to be happy and be with the very best person ever, I accept that.
I regret so much, I have never regretted so much.

Make sure whatever you do, and whoever you're around, you appreciate them, never take someone or something you love for granted.
I remember everything about us. I have no appetite, the feeling of hunger is somewhat comforting
Singing has become a favourite thing of mine
I took down the photos, and the letters, because that was only going to make me feel like you were coming back, but theres no guarantee of that. I can still smell you on my pillow, and I don't want to sleep with it in case it starts to smell like me. I want to feel you around me every day of my life. I wish we could work things out together, whilst being together. But I know we have to go through it I guess.. otherwise we'll fight, and hurt each other, and jeopardise something we might have in the future that could be even better than what we had. I cant imagine something being that good, so its hard to imagine us any different you know? But maybe that will come with time...
Hearing your voice made me cry, I didn't think it would
I am so so ssooooo happy that you're not just bad, and that you're good
It somewhat makes me feel like maybe that means I'm not right for you, but at the end of the day, if it's who you are, I love it, and I'll stick up for it, and hope the very best for it
I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling other than.. completely crushed.
I hate myself, for all that I have done, yet I'm trying to learn how to love myself and accept myself, so I can really change myself in the way that I want to.

I don't want to be in bed one day, when I'm old and death seems near, and feel like I didn't give you my all and that the love of my life 'got away'. It sounds cliche, but isn't it? Everyone loves cliche, I remember he told me that, and that nothing is wrong with cliche. Not that I'm trying to make it cliche, but this is how I feel.

Some parts of the day I feel good, I feel like this is the right decision, I feel okay being by myself and okay with us not being with each other. And then theres some, most of the day, where I am missing you like fucking crazy and want to die really. I wouldn't actually kill myself over it, but I sure would love to see you.