50 year old mother

All the years women bitch about their men in midlife crisis, yep karma comes back to get them. About ten to fifteen years later.
Thats right, menopause. The good ol' years god gave the rest of the family, to run.
If your mother ever was that sweet, warm lovable person who always stood up for you and respected your decisions, menopause takes a turn down a dark alley, strips you of your harmony and pushes you onto the curb with the rest of those hungry suckers.

No woman should have kids past 30. Yes that is right. Because no matter how head strong she is, menopause leads that side astray, convinces it that you have to become more stern and tough. No more sitting at home waiting for your man to bring in the goods, OH NO! She goes out and brings home the goods, because for the first time in her whole adult life, she feels confident in herself. The oestrogen gets kicked out of her in one deadly bleeding frenzy and then BAM!! You no longer have your mother, you have a pimply thirteen year old girl that just got her period for the first time and recently rejected by the boy she likes. It's not nice.
Why should any child have to put up with a woman that is ready to be a grandmother? a woman who cant bare children anymore. 36 is probably the worst age. The child will be 17-the independent era, when she is 53- the prime time.

Don't do it. its not worth it, IF ANYTHING, get your eggs frozen, wait until you're passed menopause, and then do it. win win for everyone. Or have them when you're 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30. Why not? Thats what nature intended. It intended 20 for godsake! As soon as a man is 18 in nature WOOO get it on!
100 years later here we are, 36 and having children *sigh*.

untouchable

untouchable like a distant diamond sky
im reaching out and i just cant tell you why
im caught up in you, im caught up in you

untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
and when youre close i feel like coming undone

in the middle of the night when im in this dream
its like a million little stars spelling out your name
you gotta come on, come on
say that we'll be together
come on, come on
little taste of heaven

its half full and i wont wait here all day
i know that you say that you'll be here anyway
but you're untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
now that you're close i feel like coming un done

in the middle of the night when im in this dream

its like a million little stars spelling out your name

you gotta come on, come on

say that we'll be together

come on, come on

little taste of heaven

in the middle of the night when im walking from this dream

i wanna feel you by my side, standing next to me

you gotta come on, come on say that we'll be together

come on, come on little taste of heaven

im caught up in you

but you're untouchable, burning brighter than the sun

now that youre close i feel like coming undone

in the middle of the night when im in this dream

its like a million little stars spelling out your name

you gotta come on, come on

say that we'll be together

come on, come on

little taste of heaven

in the middle of the night when im in this dream

its like a million little stars spelling out your name

come on, come on

like a million little stars spelling out your name

theyre spelling out your name

mud

i cant do anything.
im bogged down, in thick mud.

I know this is hardly a place for an emotional out burst, a personal diary to spill my feelings into.. but right now I don't really care. I don't really care about anything.. except one person.

It may be the best for us, all very well and good in the future.. I already miss him playing guitar, not ever liking any present i got him except nougat :), I miss his love of writing, his needle sharp mind, his bravery and excitement, the nature-loving warm heart, the caring, loving person who would lay in my breasts or have me on his warm chest. I miss his BO, the feeling of rubbing my face against his stubble. the scent is so clear now.. but in time it will be gone.  I miss our stupid fights, I miss jumping on top of him, talking out our thoughts with each other about the world, about other people, society. I miss going on buddhist retreat with him. I miss laying in bed with my arm around him, or his around me. I miss the way he writes. The noises he makes. his cuteness. his alluring nature. his charm. his sexiness. his friendliness. his soft freckly hands. i miss the way he licks my ear, the way he kisses my neck. I miss his big juicy lips pressing against mine. how about us easting indian food whilst watching tv shows together, dexter, desperate house wives, arrested development, modern family, six feet under, californication. I miss getting juices together, making juices together. I miss looking up at the sky with him, reading astrology with him. I miss him calling me Balvasoar (mind spelling..) I miss our desires of traveling together, wanting to grow into our 100's together, having kids with each other. i miss being worried that i'm pregnant to him as weird as that is. I miss the way he retells stories, three, four, five times over. i miss his poems.. i miss his laugh immensely.. i miss his wide round eyes, i miss the way his mouth would be slightly open and he'd glide his tongue across the opening, luring me in. i miss him tickling me. i miss his wild imagination. i miss his love for knowledge. i miss him really believing in change.. yet i hate that one too.. because i hate change.. i hate this change... and its going to hurt for a really long time.. and i cant, explain how sorry i am for ever hurting him, ever letting him down or disappointing him, giving him any reason not to trust me or to think that i didn't care. i feel like i'll cry forever.. and one day he'll move on, and be with other people.. because thats life.. but it tears me up.. its a stab in the gut, like watching a pet get killed or something of the like. ill miss cooking with him, the deep with of one day jading him, laying in the park, his stem in my gate secretly in public, like on the train, at the station, in the grass, at a friends house, on the footpath. i miss the way he turns me over, the way he slaps it, kisses it, licks it, thrusts it into him. i only want him.. i dont want any one else. i sincerely want to know what our kids would look like. i want to live in a rainforest with him.. i want to save the world with him, be next to him when he sees his name in the paper or face on tv, when he one day gets published, but he'll.. only be the person who once loved me.. who once upon a time had the same relationship-desires as me, the person who blew me away and tried his hardest to be the right person for me, the person i tried my hardest to be right for.. 

and now hes gone.. all those times we thought it was over it just didnt feel right.. but now even the stars are telling us we have to detach, to go to new and better places.. and he feels it too.. 

just.. when that alarm went off.. the beautiful melody that it was.. it was like the first time we slept together.. and i woke up and smiled at him.. surrounded in absolute bliss.. and i didnt want him to leave.. i snapped pictures in my head one after the other of him at my house, us on the floor, us crying, us talking about us being friends.. and i want  to be friends with him, so much, i know i can move on and not be IN love with him anymore.. i just really.. reallly dont want. karma to come around, and the next girl he's with insist that we cant be friends.. because then i'll hate myself. ive never felt this way for anybody or anything, and him not being around ever, not being there to smile with me and just give me some good friendly advice is going to be a moment of death. 

i'll always love him, ill always care about him, want the absolute very best for him.

I know all things come to an end, i just wished and do wish, that he could be the last one i ever look at, his smile, his angelic, handsome face and then we'd say goodbye.. and i'd leave this earth a happy woman.

please dont get turned off being my friend after reading that.. if you did read it.. i wont hold on, i'll do it for you. i'll let go for you and look at you and see my best friend, and that is absolutely it.. 

Friendship

How am I supposed to redeem myself, or even forgive myself for the suffering I have caused to people who gave me life?

How do I forgive them, the people who provided me with a house, food, health and anything else I wanted other than the only things I really needed; friendship, fairness and freedom.

From what I remember, from a young age all I've really wanted is a friendship with my mother. All I've wanted is humour and laughter from my father, praise that I've done good and understanding and support in all of my decisions, even the absent-minded ones.

I've never cared whether or not my clothes are ironed or if my jacket doesn't match my shoes. All I've ever wanted, and needed is to know that even if I put on a flourescent pink top and a pair of ripped blue jeans, that it's okay, and as long as I'm confident and happy, then that is all that matters. Because if I had that kind of support it wouldn't matter if people laughed at me later in life(or early in life), because I'd be true to myself and happy.

But having your parents say that what you want is wrong, and then have kids at school call you weird because you follow your heart anyway, is in a way traumatic. The people that you should want to come home to and tell the story of your unpleasant day, want to put you into their mould, and you don't want to give a hug to people like that.

Not when you've been brought up with adults your whole life. The hypocrisy that I should 'be a leader, not a follower' digs into me as one of my earliest memories, I did my own thing but then got yelled at because I didn't listen. I'm treated like I'm stupid, like I'm still a baby when my mind had been opened to the thoughts they as middle aged people were aware of and knew. The political conversations at the dinner table lead me to creating political posters and sticking them on my door, going to school and bringing up the fact that the war in Iraq is about oil and have my closest peers laugh in my face and tell me the 'idea' was stupid. I was exposed to the thought of global warming and I wanted to change it immensely, I wanted to stop it in it's track in every way I could. and all I was told is 'not to worry so much'. I needed my passions to be nurtured and supported, I needed help and advice on how to make the world a better place, not that 'it starts at home' and that I should help clean the dishes, what sort of encouragement is that?

I asked my mum to speak to me how she speaks to her friends, how she speaks to my sister. She said she would, she never did.

Now, as I am progressing through the young adolescent years I have built up resentment and anger towards the people that gave me life, fed and clothed me. To them I am in the wrong for wanting more then that, for  wanting to speak my mind and make a difference in this world, for wanting encouragement towards knowledge and intelligence. It's like I just came too late. 10 years after their second child and they think they've done it all. I'm a baby that will string on their relationship, not a real human that needs as much attention towards the details of her personality than the first child. 

Yet I am saddened to see my parents unhappy. My mother now feeling useless because my brother let go for the same reasons I want to, because we're angry, and she did the best she could.

So for that I am sorry, she did do the best she could, both of my parents did. but how am I to apologise for years of shrugging back affection and shutting down comments and advice? I want the same thing she wanted with me, yet I've been horrible in her eyes.. and all I want still, is friendship.

Friendship

How am I supposed to redeem myself, or even forgive myself for the suffering I have caused to people who gave me life?

How do I forgive them, the people who provided me with a house, food, health and anything else I wanted other than the only things I really needed; friendship, fairness and freedom.

From what I remember, from a young age all I've really wanted is a friendship with my mother. All I've wanted is humour and laughter from my father, praise that I've done good and understanding and support in all of my decisions, even the absent-minded ones.

I've never cared whether or not my clothes are ironed or if my jacket doesn't match my shoes. All I've ever wanted, and needed is to know that even if I put on a flourescent pink top and a pair of ripped blue jeans, that it's okay, and as long as I'm confident and happy, then that is all that matters. Because if I had that kind of support it wouldn't matter if people laughed at me later in life(or early in life), because I'd be true to myself and happy.

But having your parents say that what you want is wrong, and then have kids at school call you weird because you follow your heart anyway, is in a way traumatic. The people that you should want to come home to and tell the story of your unpleasant day, want to put you into their mould, and you don't want to give a hug to people like that.

not when you've been brought up with adults your whole life. The hypocrisy that I should 'be a leader, not a follower' digs into me as one of my earliest memories, the political conversations at the dinner table lead me to creating political posters and sticking them on my door, going to school and bringing up the fact that the war in Iraq is about oil and have my closest peers laugh in my face and tell me it's stupid. I was exposed to the thought of global warming and I wanted to change it immensely, I wanted to stop it in it's track in every way I could. and all I was told is 'not to worry so much'. I needed my passions to be nurtured and supported, I needed help and advice on how to make the world a better place, not that 'it starts at home' and that I should help clean the dishes, what sort of encouragement is that?

I asked my mum to speak to me how she speaks to her friends, how she speaks to my sister. She said she would, she never did.

Now, as I am progressing through the young adolescent years I have built up resentment and anger towards the people that gave me life, fed and clothed me. To them I am in the wrong for wanting more then that, for  wanting to speak my mind and make a difference in this world, for wanting encouragement towards knowledge and intelligence. It's like I just came to late. 10 years after their second child and they think they've done it all. I'm a baby that will string on their relationship, not a real human that needs as much attention towards the details of her personality than the first child. 

Yet I am saddened to see my parents unhappy. My mother now feeling useless because my brother let go for the same reasons I want to, because we're angry, and she did the best she could.

So for that I am sorry, she did do the best she could, both of my parents did. but how am I to apologise for years of shrugging back affection and shutting down comments and advice? I want the same thing she wanted with me, yet I've been horrible in her eyes.. and all I want still, is friendship.