I need to start a new life.. I need to find a way to get over my ex, stop getting heart broken by the new girls that come into his life that I see on fb that are exactly how I always imagined the structure to be, of the kind of girl he wanted to be with. I need to listen to all the old songs that remind me of him and think about new things, think about the living moment, the here and now. I need to stop going to the gym in aim of the body he'd liked me to have had. I need to laugh at all the shit I did where I fucked up, all the things I need to change about myself and say 'it was an experience'. I need to focus on what I want to enhance, and let go of all the rest.
They say wisdom comes from experience, so I guess all the hardship and mistakes will go to a good cause in the end; I will become wiser and stronger.
I need to dance because I adore dancing, and not worry how I'm doing it or who is seeing me do it. I need to talk to people that I want to be friends with, not expect them to befriend me. I need to get out of my shell. I need to experience most of life's experiences.
I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced.. but the decision is still rocky.
I need to go to bed and be happy that I am alive and that I have myself, if not anybody else.
I need to remember, my ex and I as being the past, great for what it was but now it is over.
I need to remember that we both agreed that breaking up was the best for both of us. I need to remember that he did love my body, he didn't want to be with anyone else. I was the one in the fault, I have been the one who has needed to change and appreciate somebody when I am with them, and not to focus on other people.
All I get is my karma. I will embrace all the bad shit that happens, but I want a new life away from the past at the same time.
Deleting and blocking everyone that has a connection to him is my first step. Perhaps I am 'running away', what else can I do?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Birthday Foods
Today is a good friend's birthday, or at least it's the day myself and a few girls get together and pull one on the birthday girl, beyond her knowledge! She hasn't spent much time with us in months and months, so the last thing she'll expect from us is a birthday party, but we love her so much, how could we not?
Crepe Cake
Sweet, moist crepes stacked on top of one another, dripping with red and violet pillows of raspberries, blue berries and strawberries. Plump and gorgeous, and accompanying it sits a little pot of sugared whipped cream.
Bruschetta
Bruschetta is amazing. Crusty bread smothered in olive oil, flaxseed oil and garlic, topped with ruby red diced tomatoes, sweet basil and spicy red onion. It is the perfect summer dish that is delightful, light and oh-so explosive with flavour.
Crepe Cake
Sweet, moist crepes stacked on top of one another, dripping with red and violet pillows of raspberries, blue berries and strawberries. Plump and gorgeous, and accompanying it sits a little pot of sugared whipped cream.
Bruschetta
Bruschetta is amazing. Crusty bread smothered in olive oil, flaxseed oil and garlic, topped with ruby red diced tomatoes, sweet basil and spicy red onion. It is the perfect summer dish that is delightful, light and oh-so explosive with flavour.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Feelings and Groove
I felt the weirdest feeling today, a feeling that is so difficult to describe.. but I will try.
It was an anxious.. confusing.. happy.. wonderful.. scary, exciting, bubbly, stomach-dropping feeling.
I read my ex-boyfriends writing, it bloomed, it was so graceful, I could feel him in his writing. I love it, I crave his energy. I love his way of thinking! As much as I am and have been trying to become a kinder more loving, empathetic person, reading his writing is like.. dipping yourself into a pool of gold, a pool of goodness at it's core. He's like... listening to jesus talk and you're like.. wow you think and feel about things in ways I denied myself, in such ways that is so unusual from the norm.. I LOVE THAT! Absolutely adore it, his writing sets you on a little hand-made floating island of wood that you've knotted together into a raft, you have a book in your hands, a smile on your face, and the entire ocean around you to lavish yourself with.
This morning I went to a 'Groove' class, A-MAYZ-AING! I literally walked out of the class and down the road with a smile on my face. In the class you're encouraged to be yourself and move however feels good for you. The rational is that we all have different bodies and different personalities, so why should we move the same way? Why should we watch a teacher on stage and try to copy them? We're not them, our bodies feel different from theirs! So the class is laid out where you go around the room in all the corners nobody ever goes, you move the moves in a way that feels great for you! The energy is free flowing in the class, you have the odd person here and there who still holds them self back and you can see judgement in their eyes as they look at you and everybody else, but for the most part, you're making love to yourself, completely enriching yourself with your own love, smothering your skin in feel-good-sweat and a smile is tattooed onto your face. It is one of the most rewarding experiences and I highly recommend it to everyone! No matter what age, gender, health status, this class is for EVERYONE!
Live it up
Life is difficult, but oh so good
Life is delicious
Live it and eat it!
It was an anxious.. confusing.. happy.. wonderful.. scary, exciting, bubbly, stomach-dropping feeling.
I read my ex-boyfriends writing, it bloomed, it was so graceful, I could feel him in his writing. I love it, I crave his energy. I love his way of thinking! As much as I am and have been trying to become a kinder more loving, empathetic person, reading his writing is like.. dipping yourself into a pool of gold, a pool of goodness at it's core. He's like... listening to jesus talk and you're like.. wow you think and feel about things in ways I denied myself, in such ways that is so unusual from the norm.. I LOVE THAT! Absolutely adore it, his writing sets you on a little hand-made floating island of wood that you've knotted together into a raft, you have a book in your hands, a smile on your face, and the entire ocean around you to lavish yourself with.
This morning I went to a 'Groove' class, A-MAYZ-AING! I literally walked out of the class and down the road with a smile on my face. In the class you're encouraged to be yourself and move however feels good for you. The rational is that we all have different bodies and different personalities, so why should we move the same way? Why should we watch a teacher on stage and try to copy them? We're not them, our bodies feel different from theirs! So the class is laid out where you go around the room in all the corners nobody ever goes, you move the moves in a way that feels great for you! The energy is free flowing in the class, you have the odd person here and there who still holds them self back and you can see judgement in their eyes as they look at you and everybody else, but for the most part, you're making love to yourself, completely enriching yourself with your own love, smothering your skin in feel-good-sweat and a smile is tattooed onto your face. It is one of the most rewarding experiences and I highly recommend it to everyone! No matter what age, gender, health status, this class is for EVERYONE!
Live it up
Life is difficult, but oh so good
Life is delicious
Live it and eat it!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Circle Of Life
I'm starting to forget. It's what I always dreaded, and the thought of it is worse than the reality, because you can remember logically how you used to feel about something, you feel bad for changing, it's scary when emotionally, you start to forget, because you can't really prepare for it.
You start to forget what it was like to kiss the person, you forget the feeling you felt when you were in love. I guess it's not that you forget as such, but you realise you don't feel the same way anymore, and in that way it appears to you, and you rationalise it; that it's you forgetting, not moving on- I guess. Because like I said, logically you remember talking to the person about these kinds if issues, never wanting to be apart from them.... So when you stop crying and you get used to not being with them anymore, and being in the position you always hoped you wouldn't be in, you realise that life happens, life keeps happening and you will be okay. And that can be confronting.
It can also be good though, it makes you realise that you can do and have anything in life and you really have nothing to be scared of, because everything comes to an end eventually; that's the circle if life.
Whilst saying that, it is difficult to accept. But unless you stay in the present, you'll give rise to demons, become depressed or regret your whole life, which isn't a good thing.
You start to forget what it was like to kiss the person, you forget the feeling you felt when you were in love. I guess it's not that you forget as such, but you realise you don't feel the same way anymore, and in that way it appears to you, and you rationalise it; that it's you forgetting, not moving on- I guess. Because like I said, logically you remember talking to the person about these kinds if issues, never wanting to be apart from them.... So when you stop crying and you get used to not being with them anymore, and being in the position you always hoped you wouldn't be in, you realise that life happens, life keeps happening and you will be okay. And that can be confronting.
It can also be good though, it makes you realise that you can do and have anything in life and you really have nothing to be scared of, because everything comes to an end eventually; that's the circle if life.
Whilst saying that, it is difficult to accept. But unless you stay in the present, you'll give rise to demons, become depressed or regret your whole life, which isn't a good thing.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hopeful Sprouting Bud
Broken glass, shattered everywhere. But when it shattered it didn't sound like glass.. it sounded like a thump. The sound of an abused swallow, accentuated and blasted through heavy speakers facing down at the earth; a thump, a bass drop. That was the sound of life for Apricot; she was her own worst enemy, a victim and a predator to herself. She was the perfect person to get to, because she knew her own weakness'.
Once upon a time Apricot, like her name suggests, was full of colour. She was bright and round and plump in personality, she had a rock-hard core that kept her perky pink cheeks smiling even in the lowest of slums. But recently, slums had become poverty.
Nice scents were now, just scents; nothing was ever quite nice enough to sniff as it were before. Her eyesight was as if it had been scrubbed with ocean salt and sand; everything was foggy, a grey wash tinged by the blinding sunlight beaming through shards of seaweed. Yet, nothing felt as full on as blinding sunlight, shards of seaweed and the ocean salt and sand. Nothing felt as real or as good, as brilliant as what she had once known, it was all as if it were a dream. A dream Apricot wanted to drink away, run away from or simply fall into and get lost in the murky water out at sea, not quite knowing which way was up, left or right. All she now knows is down, down, down and down. Waiting, for the final drop where her thick skin finally peals off, where the ravens and possums finally claw into her flesh and rip out the last bit of that rock-hard seed they tried to so hard to pull out.
That way, she can go up, so she can loose her breath to the point she begins to float, up and up to the waters edge, away from seaweed and salt and sand, but into the blowing air and blue sky, with little gems up above her that would guide her way home above the gushing waves, so she could cough and splutter upon the shores edge and tumble out of her rotting self, into a sprouting bud again.
But the girl knew nothing else to do but pretend to smile, do her chores and play a game that she had been taught all her life but mostly ignored. She had never worn make up, it didn't suit her skin, it covered up all the good parts about her. She stopped colouring her hair, because it hid the magical colours that grew out of her head. She didn't like to wear heals because it made it hard for her to move and express the way she truly felt. She didn't like to paint her nails because it made her feel like she was in a movie, not an animal, and she didn't like to lose touch with nature and her primal instincts. She didn't like to eat with knifes and forks because it removed the satisfaction of feeling, and smelling her food. But these were all the things everybody else liked and liked doing, all the things that made her a good nominee for being forever lonely, forever being compared to her cherry of a sister. As a woman, what did intelligence get you? Not as much as good looks. Good looks are primal to a man, intelligence is a simply a bonus.
But because Apricot was so alienated from and alienating to the world, she became her own worst enemy, allergic to herself.
Once upon a time Apricot, like her name suggests, was full of colour. She was bright and round and plump in personality, she had a rock-hard core that kept her perky pink cheeks smiling even in the lowest of slums. But recently, slums had become poverty.
Nice scents were now, just scents; nothing was ever quite nice enough to sniff as it were before. Her eyesight was as if it had been scrubbed with ocean salt and sand; everything was foggy, a grey wash tinged by the blinding sunlight beaming through shards of seaweed. Yet, nothing felt as full on as blinding sunlight, shards of seaweed and the ocean salt and sand. Nothing felt as real or as good, as brilliant as what she had once known, it was all as if it were a dream. A dream Apricot wanted to drink away, run away from or simply fall into and get lost in the murky water out at sea, not quite knowing which way was up, left or right. All she now knows is down, down, down and down. Waiting, for the final drop where her thick skin finally peals off, where the ravens and possums finally claw into her flesh and rip out the last bit of that rock-hard seed they tried to so hard to pull out.
That way, she can go up, so she can loose her breath to the point she begins to float, up and up to the waters edge, away from seaweed and salt and sand, but into the blowing air and blue sky, with little gems up above her that would guide her way home above the gushing waves, so she could cough and splutter upon the shores edge and tumble out of her rotting self, into a sprouting bud again.
But the girl knew nothing else to do but pretend to smile, do her chores and play a game that she had been taught all her life but mostly ignored. She had never worn make up, it didn't suit her skin, it covered up all the good parts about her. She stopped colouring her hair, because it hid the magical colours that grew out of her head. She didn't like to wear heals because it made it hard for her to move and express the way she truly felt. She didn't like to paint her nails because it made her feel like she was in a movie, not an animal, and she didn't like to lose touch with nature and her primal instincts. She didn't like to eat with knifes and forks because it removed the satisfaction of feeling, and smelling her food. But these were all the things everybody else liked and liked doing, all the things that made her a good nominee for being forever lonely, forever being compared to her cherry of a sister. As a woman, what did intelligence get you? Not as much as good looks. Good looks are primal to a man, intelligence is a simply a bonus.
But because Apricot was so alienated from and alienating to the world, she became her own worst enemy, allergic to herself.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Lessons
For twenty minutes today I browsed reluctantly through videos of what was ultimately, crap.
There was always something wrong; the interaction between the people was either too emotionally close to not remember so many great memories, or too.. the exact opposite of emotionally close.. which looked boring, selfish, soulless and a complete drag to watch. The facial expressions were fake, overdramatic or so intimate to the point of it feeling like an invasion on my part, that I was even witnessing such actions. The bodies were either too dark, too muscular, too fat, too blonde, too dark, too short, too crooked, too bulging, too fake, too hairless, too hairy, too everything but nice, too everything but tasteful, too everything but J. But what was I expecting to find on a site that was pumping out the dopamine?- and could I feel it!- Yet, despite the compulsion to continue watching-from a very easily addicted part of my brain-, my revulsion over powdered, my emotions over powered. What I ended up doing was walking out of my room sobbing, and not from a great 'happy ending', it came from a place that knew there was no better thing than being with a person you love, where you accept one another and explore together, you learn and grow together, share experiences and help one another.
Attractive people out on the street have become no longer tempting, I see them for who they are but they're never anybody special, nobody I want to share my body with and nobody who has a body worth sharing with me, on a physical and spiritual level.
A part of me whom, throughout the last couple of weeks that this insight has been bubbling to the surface, has wondered, 'but am I just missing the sex? Is it just a purely physical urge that wants his body back, not our connection?' I have discovered that it is otherwise; why would I feel so happy, yet so sad and somewhat jealous of couples that look so in love on a pornography website? Even if it's not an actual couple, the look of two people's heads resting against one another's, a firm embrace, a look in their eyes (I'm starting to talk about real life couples whom I've seen, now) that yearns for the other person, if it wasn't so comforting and admirable on an emotional level.
But I know getting comfortable in a relationship isn't what it should be about either.
I know that both of us thought we loved each other more than we actually did, in the end. Not completely, but not enough to continue our relationship the way we were. We both seemed to be holding onto what we once had.. as amazing, beautiful, loveable and fulfilling that it was.. we can't, or at least I speak for myself, I can't lie that those feelings past, and ultimately I forgot who I was, who he was, who we were, and what the meaning of 'proactive' actually meant, I forgot what sexual interaction was about, I forgot what power the mind has, the success that determination can bring, the long lasting happiness that giving yourself to another person, loving them and giving all your effort, can produce. I forgot what it means to be an animal as well. An animal that also has a highly developed intellect and can look and strive beyond the animal urges. I forgot what it means to follow your heart, and do what is best for my greater good, for everybody's greater good. I forgot what it means to appreciate people, to give.
I forgot what could possibly be one of the most important things; you need to give back what you are given. Just as well all borrow our physical body and one day we must give it back to life, when we receive anything, we must give it back, especially, most importantly, the good stuff. We must always give back to those that have given to us, even if we have no choice over the matter, it will happen some way or another. But like a tax payer, it can be more wisely spent and profitable for all parties, if you choose where your 'money' (goodness) goes to.
I cannot expect to ever get any romance from my former partner, but I do hope that one day we can be friends; look beyond the physical experiences we've had, accept each other for being a special part of our lives, but not what is in the present moment, and can therefore move into our lives gracefully, into all the many paths we will travel, and still hold a some kind of connection, wherever we go.
Perhaps that is a way of thinking that will simply make me feel better when I'm in the shits, thinking 'I know he is still there for me in spirit, even though he doesn't know where, who I am, nor what I am doing or how I am living (or dying)' I guess it is that, that gives us faith and therefore a chance to be happy and yearn to live another day when all you want to do is die. In some light that is seen as living in the past, holding onto what once was but no longer is. But I hope I can be there for him.
Perhaps it is a self esteem issue that needs to be addressed by me, in order for me to feel like I am giving to someone, that I have a purpose in their life.
I suppose I did teach J many things, I think mostly things that I would have rather not been the one to teach him, but all the same, if it has made him happy, improved his life for his greater good, that is what is important.
He may not have been my first 'love', but he has taught me the most important lessons and ways of life that I would not trade for anything in the world, and for that I am forever thankful for, I am more thankful for him having been in my life more than anyone else that is outside of my family.
There was always something wrong; the interaction between the people was either too emotionally close to not remember so many great memories, or too.. the exact opposite of emotionally close.. which looked boring, selfish, soulless and a complete drag to watch. The facial expressions were fake, overdramatic or so intimate to the point of it feeling like an invasion on my part, that I was even witnessing such actions. The bodies were either too dark, too muscular, too fat, too blonde, too dark, too short, too crooked, too bulging, too fake, too hairless, too hairy, too everything but nice, too everything but tasteful, too everything but J. But what was I expecting to find on a site that was pumping out the dopamine?- and could I feel it!- Yet, despite the compulsion to continue watching-from a very easily addicted part of my brain-, my revulsion over powdered, my emotions over powered. What I ended up doing was walking out of my room sobbing, and not from a great 'happy ending', it came from a place that knew there was no better thing than being with a person you love, where you accept one another and explore together, you learn and grow together, share experiences and help one another.
Attractive people out on the street have become no longer tempting, I see them for who they are but they're never anybody special, nobody I want to share my body with and nobody who has a body worth sharing with me, on a physical and spiritual level.
A part of me whom, throughout the last couple of weeks that this insight has been bubbling to the surface, has wondered, 'but am I just missing the sex? Is it just a purely physical urge that wants his body back, not our connection?' I have discovered that it is otherwise; why would I feel so happy, yet so sad and somewhat jealous of couples that look so in love on a pornography website? Even if it's not an actual couple, the look of two people's heads resting against one another's, a firm embrace, a look in their eyes (I'm starting to talk about real life couples whom I've seen, now) that yearns for the other person, if it wasn't so comforting and admirable on an emotional level.
But I know getting comfortable in a relationship isn't what it should be about either.
I know that both of us thought we loved each other more than we actually did, in the end. Not completely, but not enough to continue our relationship the way we were. We both seemed to be holding onto what we once had.. as amazing, beautiful, loveable and fulfilling that it was.. we can't, or at least I speak for myself, I can't lie that those feelings past, and ultimately I forgot who I was, who he was, who we were, and what the meaning of 'proactive' actually meant, I forgot what sexual interaction was about, I forgot what power the mind has, the success that determination can bring, the long lasting happiness that giving yourself to another person, loving them and giving all your effort, can produce. I forgot what it means to be an animal as well. An animal that also has a highly developed intellect and can look and strive beyond the animal urges. I forgot what it means to follow your heart, and do what is best for my greater good, for everybody's greater good. I forgot what it means to appreciate people, to give.
I forgot what could possibly be one of the most important things; you need to give back what you are given. Just as well all borrow our physical body and one day we must give it back to life, when we receive anything, we must give it back, especially, most importantly, the good stuff. We must always give back to those that have given to us, even if we have no choice over the matter, it will happen some way or another. But like a tax payer, it can be more wisely spent and profitable for all parties, if you choose where your 'money' (goodness) goes to.
I cannot expect to ever get any romance from my former partner, but I do hope that one day we can be friends; look beyond the physical experiences we've had, accept each other for being a special part of our lives, but not what is in the present moment, and can therefore move into our lives gracefully, into all the many paths we will travel, and still hold a some kind of connection, wherever we go.
Perhaps that is a way of thinking that will simply make me feel better when I'm in the shits, thinking 'I know he is still there for me in spirit, even though he doesn't know where, who I am, nor what I am doing or how I am living (or dying)' I guess it is that, that gives us faith and therefore a chance to be happy and yearn to live another day when all you want to do is die. In some light that is seen as living in the past, holding onto what once was but no longer is. But I hope I can be there for him.
Perhaps it is a self esteem issue that needs to be addressed by me, in order for me to feel like I am giving to someone, that I have a purpose in their life.
I suppose I did teach J many things, I think mostly things that I would have rather not been the one to teach him, but all the same, if it has made him happy, improved his life for his greater good, that is what is important.
He may not have been my first 'love', but he has taught me the most important lessons and ways of life that I would not trade for anything in the world, and for that I am forever thankful for, I am more thankful for him having been in my life more than anyone else that is outside of my family.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wonderful Feeling
I think it would be nice to be friends with the opposite gender. How I wish it were possible, I know it is possible, but it is rare to find where the two aren't sexually or emotionally into one another in a romantic way.
I'd like to incorporate friendships into my life, where I can have masculine energy around me, and be in my masculine 100%, also.
My karma doesn't look so bright in this regard.. but I did try to make things better with my ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend (who is a girl), so perhaps I do have the cards for it.
I like males, they're funny and take risks, they're not scared of as much as girls are (or at least, they don't show it) and they know how to have a good time basically, they're not afraid to get filthy and just.. be up front even with people they don't like. I've learnt a lot recently, especially hanging out with a group of girls for a couple of hours, and it is that... being with someone is so much more than finding someone attractive, than getting along well with their personality, it's more than even thinking about a person is a certain light.. it's a whole new feeling all together. You respect the person on another level, you respect them for all their choices, even the ones that aren't in your favour (within reason), you look at them but can't help but smile because they're just such a great person and they're making the world a better place, you could give them anything simply because you can and want to. That is how is should be at least. It feels great to feel this way, unfortunately it leaves me hanging alone because the person I feel this way about.. we tried it, we didn't work, we both left heart broken. and I understand that, I feel the situation and I accept it, trying.. but succeeding. Regardless, it feels great having love in my heart, that wishes the very best for people, that truly loves everything a person is, simply because life is full of mystery and wonder.. scary, weird, uplifting, crazy things that are confusing and so complicated.. but so wonderful.
I'd like to incorporate friendships into my life, where I can have masculine energy around me, and be in my masculine 100%, also.
My karma doesn't look so bright in this regard.. but I did try to make things better with my ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend (who is a girl), so perhaps I do have the cards for it.
I like males, they're funny and take risks, they're not scared of as much as girls are (or at least, they don't show it) and they know how to have a good time basically, they're not afraid to get filthy and just.. be up front even with people they don't like. I've learnt a lot recently, especially hanging out with a group of girls for a couple of hours, and it is that... being with someone is so much more than finding someone attractive, than getting along well with their personality, it's more than even thinking about a person is a certain light.. it's a whole new feeling all together. You respect the person on another level, you respect them for all their choices, even the ones that aren't in your favour (within reason), you look at them but can't help but smile because they're just such a great person and they're making the world a better place, you could give them anything simply because you can and want to. That is how is should be at least. It feels great to feel this way, unfortunately it leaves me hanging alone because the person I feel this way about.. we tried it, we didn't work, we both left heart broken. and I understand that, I feel the situation and I accept it, trying.. but succeeding. Regardless, it feels great having love in my heart, that wishes the very best for people, that truly loves everything a person is, simply because life is full of mystery and wonder.. scary, weird, uplifting, crazy things that are confusing and so complicated.. but so wonderful.
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