Lessons

For twenty minutes today I browsed reluctantly through videos of what was ultimately, crap.
There was always something wrong; the interaction between the people was either too emotionally close to not remember so many great memories, or too.. the exact opposite of emotionally close.. which looked boring, selfish, soulless and a complete drag to watch. The facial expressions were fake, overdramatic or so intimate to the point of it feeling like an invasion on my part, that I was even witnessing such actions. The bodies were either too dark, too muscular, too fat, too blonde, too dark, too short, too crooked, too bulging, too fake, too hairless, too hairy, too everything but nice, too everything but tasteful, too everything but J. But what was I expecting to find on a site that was pumping out the dopamine?- and could I feel it!- Yet, despite the compulsion to continue watching-from a very easily addicted part of my brain-, my revulsion over powdered, my emotions over powered. What I ended up doing was walking out of my room sobbing, and not from a great 'happy ending', it came from a place that knew there was no better thing than being with a person you love, where you accept one another and explore together, you learn and grow together, share experiences and help one another.
Attractive people out on the street have become no longer tempting, I see them for who they are but they're never anybody special, nobody I want to share my body with and nobody who has a body worth sharing with me, on a physical and spiritual level.
A part of me whom, throughout the last couple of weeks that this insight has been bubbling to the surface, has wondered, 'but am I just missing the sex? Is it just a purely physical urge that wants his body back, not our connection?' I have discovered that it is otherwise; why would I feel so happy, yet so sad and somewhat jealous of couples that look so in love on a pornography website? Even if it's not an actual couple, the look of two people's heads resting against one another's, a firm embrace, a look in their eyes (I'm starting to talk about real life couples whom I've seen, now) that yearns for the other person, if it wasn't so comforting and admirable on an emotional level.
But I know getting comfortable in a relationship isn't what it should be about either.
I know that both of us thought we loved each other more than we actually did, in the end. Not completely, but not enough to continue our relationship the way we were. We both seemed to be holding onto what we once had.. as amazing, beautiful, loveable and fulfilling that it was.. we can't, or at least I speak for myself, I can't lie that those feelings past, and ultimately I forgot who I was, who he was, who we were, and what the meaning of 'proactive' actually meant, I forgot what sexual interaction was about, I forgot what power the mind has, the success that determination can bring, the long lasting happiness that giving yourself to another person, loving them and giving all your effort, can produce. I forgot what it means to be an animal as well. An animal that also has a highly developed intellect and can look and strive beyond the animal urges. I forgot what it means to follow your heart, and do what is best for my greater good, for everybody's greater good. I forgot what it means to appreciate people, to give.
I forgot what could possibly be one of the most important things; you need to give back what you are given. Just as well all borrow our physical body and one day we must give it back to life, when we receive anything, we must give it back, especially, most importantly, the good stuff. We must always give back to those that have given to us, even if we have no choice over the matter, it will happen some way or another. But like a tax payer, it can be more wisely spent and profitable for all parties, if you choose where your 'money' (goodness) goes to.
I cannot expect to ever get any romance from my former partner, but I do hope that one day we can be friends; look beyond the physical experiences we've had, accept each other for being a special part of our lives, but not what is in the present moment, and can therefore move into our lives gracefully, into all the many paths we will travel, and still hold a some kind of  connection, wherever we go.
Perhaps that is a way of thinking that will simply make me feel better when I'm in the shits, thinking 'I know he is still there for me in spirit, even though he doesn't know where, who I am, nor what I am doing or how I am living (or dying)' I guess it is that, that gives us faith and therefore a chance to be happy and yearn to live another day when all you want to do is die. In some light that is seen as living in the past, holding onto what once was but no longer is. But I hope I can be there for him.
Perhaps it is a self esteem issue that needs to be addressed by me, in order for me to feel like I am giving to someone, that I have a purpose in their life.
I suppose I did teach J many things, I think mostly things that I would have rather not been the one to teach him, but all the same, if it has made him happy, improved his life for his greater good, that is what is important.
He may not have been my first 'love', but he has taught me the most important lessons and ways of life that I would not trade for anything in the world, and for that I am forever thankful for, I am more thankful for him having been in my life more than anyone else that is outside of my family.