How do I forgive them, the people who provided me with a house, food, health and anything else I wanted other than the only things I really needed; friendship, fairness and freedom.
From what I remember, from a young age all I've really wanted is a friendship with my mother. All I've wanted is humour and laughter from my father, praise that I've done good and understanding and support in all of my decisions, even the absent-minded ones.
I've never cared whether or not my clothes are ironed or if my jacket doesn't match my shoes. All I've ever wanted, and needed is to know that even if I put on a flourescent pink top and a pair of ripped blue jeans, that it's okay, and as long as I'm confident and happy, then that is all that matters. Because if I had that kind of support it wouldn't matter if people laughed at me later in life(or early in life), because I'd be true to myself and happy.
But having your parents say that what you want is wrong, and then have kids at school call you weird because you follow your heart anyway, is in a way traumatic. The people that you should want to come home to and tell the story of your unpleasant day, want to put you into their mould, and you don't want to give a hug to people like that.
Not when you've been brought up with adults your whole life. The hypocrisy that I should 'be a leader, not a follower' digs into me as one of my earliest memories, I did my own thing but then got yelled at because I didn't listen. I'm treated like I'm stupid, like I'm still a baby when my mind had been opened to the thoughts they as middle aged people were aware of and knew. The political conversations at the dinner table lead me to creating political posters and sticking them on my door, going to school and bringing up the fact that the war in Iraq is about oil and have my closest peers laugh in my face and tell me the 'idea' was stupid. I was exposed to the thought of global warming and I wanted to change it immensely, I wanted to stop it in it's track in every way I could. and all I was told is 'not to worry so much'. I needed my passions to be nurtured and supported, I needed help and advice on how to make the world a better place, not that 'it starts at home' and that I should help clean the dishes, what sort of encouragement is that?
I asked my mum to speak to me how she speaks to her friends, how she speaks to my sister. She said she would, she never did.
Now, as I am progressing through the young adolescent years I have built up resentment and anger towards the people that gave me life, fed and clothed me. To them I am in the wrong for wanting more then that, for wanting to speak my mind and make a difference in this world, for wanting encouragement towards knowledge and intelligence. It's like I just came too late. 10 years after their second child and they think they've done it all. I'm a baby that will string on their relationship, not a real human that needs as much attention towards the details of her personality than the first child.
Yet I am saddened to see my parents unhappy. My mother now feeling useless because my brother let go for the same reasons I want to, because we're angry, and she did the best she could.
So for that I am sorry, she did do the best she could, both of my parents did. but how am I to apologise for years of shrugging back affection and shutting down comments and advice? I want the same thing she wanted with me, yet I've been horrible in her eyes.. and all I want still, is friendship.
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