I know this is hardly a place for an emotional out burst, a personal diary to spill my feelings into.. but right now I don't really care. I don't really care about anything.. except one person.

It may be the best for us, all very well and good in the future.. I already miss him playing guitar, not ever liking any present i got him except nougat :), I miss his love of writing, his needle sharp mind, his bravery and excitement, the nature-loving warm heart, the caring, loving person who would lay in my breasts or have me on his warm chest. I miss his BO, the feeling of rubbing my face against his stubble. the scent is so clear now.. but in time it will be gone.  I miss our stupid fights, I miss jumping on top of him, talking out our thoughts with each other about the world, about other people, society. I miss going on buddhist retreat with him. I miss laying in bed with my arm around him, or his around me. I miss the way he writes. The noises he makes. his cuteness. his alluring nature. his charm. his sexiness. his friendliness. his soft freckly hands. i miss the way he licks my ear, the way he kisses my neck. I miss his big juicy lips pressing against mine. how about us easting indian food whilst watching tv shows together, dexter, desperate house wives, arrested development, modern family, six feet under, californication. I miss getting juices together, making juices together. I miss looking up at the sky with him, reading astrology with him. I miss him calling me Balvasoar (mind spelling..) I miss our desires of traveling together, wanting to grow into our 100's together, having kids with each other. i miss being worried that i'm pregnant to him as weird as that is. I miss the way he retells stories, three, four, five times over. i miss his poems.. i miss his laugh immensely.. i miss his wide round eyes, i miss the way his mouth would be slightly open and he'd glide his tongue across the opening, luring me in. i miss him tickling me. i miss his wild imagination. i miss his love for knowledge. i miss him really believing in change.. yet i hate that one too.. because i hate change.. i hate this change... and its going to hurt for a really long time.. and i cant, explain how sorry i am for ever hurting him, ever letting him down or disappointing him, giving him any reason not to trust me or to think that i didn't care. i feel like i'll cry forever.. and one day he'll move on, and be with other people.. because thats life.. but it tears me up.. its a stab in the gut, like watching a pet get killed or something of the like. ill miss cooking with him, the deep with of one day jading him, laying in the park, his stem in my gate secretly in public, like on the train, at the station, in the grass, at a friends house, on the footpath. i miss the way he turns me over, the way he slaps it, kisses it, licks it, thrusts it into him. i only want him.. i dont want any one else. i sincerely want to know what our kids would look like. i want to live in a rainforest with him.. i want to save the world with him, be next to him when he sees his name in the paper or face on tv, when he one day gets published, but he'll.. only be the person who once loved me.. who once upon a time had the same relationship-desires as me, the person who blew me away and tried his hardest to be the right person for me, the person i tried my hardest to be right for.. 

and now hes gone.. all those times we thought it was over it just didnt feel right.. but now even the stars are telling us we have to detach, to go to new and better places.. and he feels it too.. 

just.. when that alarm went off.. the beautiful melody that it was.. it was like the first time we slept together.. and i woke up and smiled at him.. surrounded in absolute bliss.. and i didnt want him to leave.. i snapped pictures in my head one after the other of him at my house, us on the floor, us crying, us talking about us being friends.. and i want  to be friends with him, so much, i know i can move on and not be IN love with him anymore.. i just really.. reallly dont want. karma to come around, and the next girl he's with insist that we cant be friends.. because then i'll hate myself. ive never felt this way for anybody or anything, and him not being around ever, not being there to smile with me and just give me some good friendly advice is going to be a moment of death. 

i'll always love him, ill always care about him, want the absolute very best for him.

I know all things come to an end, i just wished and do wish, that he could be the last one i ever look at, his smile, his angelic, handsome face and then we'd say goodbye.. and i'd leave this earth a happy woman.

please dont get turned off being my friend after reading that.. if you did read it.. i wont hold on, i'll do it for you. i'll let go for you and look at you and see my best friend, and that is absolutely it..