Something Like Hope

You know, I'm pretty sure J always thought that he'd be the one having to get over me for the longest amount of time, if/when we broke up. But it appears to be the opposite.
I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over him, I find other guys hot but I legitimately couldn't bring myself to flirt with them or go out of my way to get with them. I just remember J, I even got off to him the other night, which is something I have held back from doing the entire 2 months since we split up. And I have to say, it was probably the best orgasm I've ever given myself. All the time, some way or another he's always on my mind, I'm constantly on the look out for him, I travel home a certain way in hope of seeing him.
But I've only seen him once since we broke up, and especially since then, I just want him.

I can't deny that the uncertainty is playfully nice, but I have a feeling that it is not at all playful, I have a feeling sooner rather than later I'm going to be slapped in the emotional face and have to deal with him choosing to completely get over me and move on, that there is no 'play' between us, yet here I am still setting myself up for failure, false hoping myself that when we both turned around at the station when we walked off after seeing and talking to one another, it meant something.. something like hope.

I'm trying to get over him, I'm trying to fancy other people, not in an emotional way, but in a physical way. My body just doesn't want it.