Jade, Angelique

For the first time in nine months, I feel completely alone.
Since november I've felt like I've had someone to understand me, to accept me and spend time with me even on my worst days. When we fought it was almost like it happened for the sake of it, like we just expected one another to feel a certain way so we pushed upon it until it happened. and that is exactly why we're not together now.
It isn't just him that feels like he deserves to be alone and feel unhappy, we all feel it, including me.
When I was thirteen I loved my dog more than anything, yet I felt like he was getting old and that I should just get a new one. He died that year, and I still remember the look on his face as the vet held him walking out the door into the back where he would stay for the night, he threw up blood and the vets new it was over; they put Tiger down. and I still hurt thinking about the mind set I had while he was still alive. I knew how much I loved him, I just couldn't accept it, like I forced myself into feeling that he was just a 'fad' when in reality I would have died for that dog.
I was insecure with a certain boy. I saw his past walk by with hair like summer's sand, a smile that never seemed to fall unless she saw him, a body that practically shimmered like a gem. I had worked her up in my head just as much as he had and it haunted me every time I saw her. I compared myself to her and it guttered me every time I saw him take notice; I was insecure.
I was insecure; after I had hurt him neither one of us could fully settle ourselves down. He expected me to run off with another guy at any moment, I expected him to break up with me and get with someone who realised how immensely lucky they were and didn't fuck him around.
Our mind sets lead us directly to where we are now, apart, and it fucking hurts.
Literally everything reminds me of him in some way or another.
It kills me to think we never did any of the things we always talked about doing and what we wanted to do.
It kills me knowing that we're not compatible, even though I want to be with him so so so much and I couldn't care for the little winsy things we rabble about, whether or not I eat a certain food and get upset or that one of us feels horny and the other doesn't, it's such pointless stuff that we should have shrugged off, but we let it build up and up until now, we're not compatible.
I want to run all the way to Hawthorn and get inside the gig, jump on top of him and have a good time, I want to dance with him and sing with him and laugh and tickle and run around and talk and just experience life together. But I know I cant. because we're on a break.. or we're just not together, I don't even know
'what' we are, but whatever it is I absolutely hate it. I hate it. But I know he has to be happy, so I have to let him figure this out. I will do anything for him. I absolutely adore him.
I'm so impatient, as soon as I start crying I know that I'll one day, eventually, move on and look back at the time we spent together and smile at it for what it was; when I cry, I just want the pain to be over, I want to speed it up yet I don't because I feel like I should be feeling the pain, that it isn't right to not feel it, I want to jump into more of it and cloud myself in a distressed, depressed pit.
I do not want to go on with myself without you.
I can't believe I let insecurity come between us, because to me, that's what it feels like happened.
You're so admirable and unforgettably beautiful in every way. Whether or not you still want to be with me, even if you really don't and you're fully conscious of it and you really think this is the best decision for us and for your happiness this is the most wise path,
I love you Jade, please don't ever forget it...