Apology and Thanks

I will apologise for not being open, for not finishing what I say in complete, full sentences, for keeping things to myself, for coming across secretive and dishonest and I suppose being like that in general.
I know being like that and doing those things is not right, it definitely isn't what makes a good relationship and I am trying to change. I am changing; whilst saying that, there are reasons as to why I am like this.
I was never close to my mum, from what I have always seen of her she lies, she eliminates the fine details, the important, necessary details and it really shits me, but naturally I take it on either way as a young child.
My father. I didn't fancy my mum, I loved and do love her, but we're not at all friends and we never have been, so I looked towards my father for jokes and friendship, although not that strong I definitely felt a stronger bond with my dad than with my mum and with everybody constantly saying how similar we were in personality, I naturally swung towards more of it. I saw him distance himself in communication, I looked around me and thought that I had a pretty damn good life, my mum never expressed her anger towards this trait of his around me so of course I see nothing wrong with it.
What I did see from my mum was her absence of real gratitude towards my dad, there wasn't any strong bonded love that I could see, I heard her and her friends complain about the men in their lives and grew up with a sister who spent time with plenty of guys and continuously got hurt. So I started listening; guys like time alone sometimes, they're not big talkers and being constantly in their face, questioning, demanding conversation from them is going to end up leaving you a barren woman. I didn't want to end up like that.
Growing up as a teenager, being in relationships, I took on the greatest bit of advice; I was myself. I told the person I loved and was with, everything, and then one day when that person decided they didn't want to be with me anymore and cut me in half, I found out the reason was because I was too clingy and that there are 'somethings you just don't need to tell the other person'. So ironically my next relationship is with someone who is the opposite, they admire honesty and expect me to be completely open. I believe I was like that before my ex. I know it isn't J's problem what I have been through, I know it is completely unfair to him and I shouldn't blame something that happened a year ago on how I act now. but it has made a difference. but I am trying. I am trying to become more honest, and when I am I feel free and alive again, I feel myself. Yet time after time, my wretched absence of openness hurts you and I am not at all proud of it. I want to tell you everything.
so here is the truth,

I irresponsibly assumed you'd figure who I was walking with when I said I was 'walking home'.
I do enjoy his company and walking home alone with a friend 20 meters ahead of me is not something I wanted to do.
I felt like you were purposely trying to keep me from walking with him.

I should have said something, I know I'm in the wrong. I am sorry and I am changing.
I know none of the things I explained above are an excuse for how I am towards you, you deserve nothing of it, you deserve so much better. and I am glad you pull me up on it, I'm very glad, you're elevating my maturity and I'm extremely grateful for that, you're making me a better person every day, the person I always believe myself to be, the person I want to be.
I am sorry.