Thursday, February 7, 2013
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself
I miss him. Six months ago we said our goodbyes, and nearly 2 months ago we said hello and goodbye again. I have learnt a lot. Lets share it.
Nothing and nobody is ever perfect, imperfections are what make a person or experience perfect. If the ideas and expectations in our head were the mould to every relationship we ever had, it would fill our habit cup up to the brim; consistency would be ridiculously consistent and we would lose our ability to adapt, accept and even more scarishly, we would lose our creativity and passion in life. Stability is necessary, but the imagination is no accident in evolution.
What we have to decide as individuals, is what imperfections we're willing to deal with more than others.
Maybe it really pisses you off that your boyfriend doesn't shave his beard often, or that your girlfriend counts her calories when you splash out for dinner. But are these things that are going to make or break your relationship with them? They might be, it's totally up the individual as to what they're willing to 'put up with', what it is that they're happy being around and getting over the little pissy feeling they have towards that habit/trait/characteristic and focus on what sparks the romantic vibrancy for them. But it is so utterly different for everyone.
I understand now what he meant when he said, anyone can be in a relationship with anyone. ;If two people are understanding, empathetic, considerate of one another, and don't hold onto one another as an attachment, sure, I believe any two people could be in a relationship. But unfortunately that is not the case for most of this world as we know it. And we have personal preferences.
I believe the social nicks in the world are an outcome of judgement, a lack of empathy and understanding, of which begins from the inside. The world is a projection of ourselves. What we don't like in others, we don't like in ourselves.
The girl I disliked when I was younger for wearing heaps of make up and short skirts, was because I didn't like not getting attention from guys like she did.
The reason I feel angry at the hot yoga teacher my partner is talking to, is because I believe I'm not as attractive as they are, which is not at all true, and my insecurity on the subject will probably prove that belief to be correct in the end, because more than looks, true confidence is a winning attraction.
The guy I disliked for being a show off at the dinner, was a mirror of my own desires being played out by somebody that wasn't me. and that is a little bit of self obsession and inconsideration. "I like being the centre of attention, therefore I don't like when they are, because it challenges my own belief system that says I'm the smartest/wittiest/coolest/etc. If they're the centre of attention, it means I'm not, and then I have to reevaluate how I feel about myself."
People like feeling good about themselves, what they forget is that, that feeling comes from within themselves, not the outside world. But with that having been distilled into them since childhood, they have given birth to judgement, inconsideration and a lack of acceptance, all of which are perpetrated on themselves before being passed onto others. We need to learn to accept ourselves, from there change will come and global consciousness will also shift, and our entire world will be fuller and brighter.
There is nothing scary about honest confidence.
All of us are good people full of love, with gifts and passions to bring joy to the world and everyone else. Becoming self aware is not easy, it is even more difficult to push past the pride and do what you know deep down to be right. Hearing that can even be scary. But do remember, there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Nothing and nobody is ever perfect, imperfections are what make a person or experience perfect. If the ideas and expectations in our head were the mould to every relationship we ever had, it would fill our habit cup up to the brim; consistency would be ridiculously consistent and we would lose our ability to adapt, accept and even more scarishly, we would lose our creativity and passion in life. Stability is necessary, but the imagination is no accident in evolution.
What we have to decide as individuals, is what imperfections we're willing to deal with more than others.
Maybe it really pisses you off that your boyfriend doesn't shave his beard often, or that your girlfriend counts her calories when you splash out for dinner. But are these things that are going to make or break your relationship with them? They might be, it's totally up the individual as to what they're willing to 'put up with', what it is that they're happy being around and getting over the little pissy feeling they have towards that habit/trait/characteristic and focus on what sparks the romantic vibrancy for them. But it is so utterly different for everyone.
I understand now what he meant when he said, anyone can be in a relationship with anyone. ;If two people are understanding, empathetic, considerate of one another, and don't hold onto one another as an attachment, sure, I believe any two people could be in a relationship. But unfortunately that is not the case for most of this world as we know it. And we have personal preferences.
I believe the social nicks in the world are an outcome of judgement, a lack of empathy and understanding, of which begins from the inside. The world is a projection of ourselves. What we don't like in others, we don't like in ourselves.
The girl I disliked when I was younger for wearing heaps of make up and short skirts, was because I didn't like not getting attention from guys like she did.
The reason I feel angry at the hot yoga teacher my partner is talking to, is because I believe I'm not as attractive as they are, which is not at all true, and my insecurity on the subject will probably prove that belief to be correct in the end, because more than looks, true confidence is a winning attraction.
The guy I disliked for being a show off at the dinner, was a mirror of my own desires being played out by somebody that wasn't me. and that is a little bit of self obsession and inconsideration. "I like being the centre of attention, therefore I don't like when they are, because it challenges my own belief system that says I'm the smartest/wittiest/coolest/etc. If they're the centre of attention, it means I'm not, and then I have to reevaluate how I feel about myself."
People like feeling good about themselves, what they forget is that, that feeling comes from within themselves, not the outside world. But with that having been distilled into them since childhood, they have given birth to judgement, inconsideration and a lack of acceptance, all of which are perpetrated on themselves before being passed onto others. We need to learn to accept ourselves, from there change will come and global consciousness will also shift, and our entire world will be fuller and brighter.
There is nothing scary about honest confidence.
All of us are good people full of love, with gifts and passions to bring joy to the world and everyone else. Becoming self aware is not easy, it is even more difficult to push past the pride and do what you know deep down to be right. Hearing that can even be scary. But do remember, there is nothing to fear but fear itself.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Love Has A New Home
Hey you. My best friend, there you are. Walking towards me in that way I don't quite understand, beneath all that thick hairy chest and strong sternum, those rocking shoulders shaking the last leaves of autumn off the cold chiselled trees, is an aura of love and passion.
My love grew for you expeditiously, in a way that must remain in my eyes and in my hands, away from my groin and my heart. Your thunder made me kiss you back, I loved every moment of it. The love for you I didn't give before, I wanted so badly to give to you. I wanted you to unravel me, liberate me as you'd put it. I wanted you to make me moan, in a way that wasn't forced but came from a place that had no where else to go but pour out of me and thank you. I wanted to kiss your body all over, and lick you up and down, I wanted to tease you in a way that you couldn't resist. To push you away and have you pull me back closer. I wanted to dance with you those passions and electricity, those energies that once went stale but were then in the flesh, in the air, in our breath.
Beyond that horizon of bubbly flame was our intuition that seemed to never leave. Our conversations were relapsing into rational time, but we understood before the words even came out. There was a bursting in our chest that rose to our throats to spill out, but when we did we found it useless. There was nothing that we really had to say that we didn't already feel each other feel. As if the previous nights we had spoken and conversed, and lived the words we hadn't yet said.
You're my best friend; some how my love for you deepened and my loyalty has grown stronger. You are healing my wounds and I truly hope that I am healing yours.
It all happened for a reason, we've grown more than we might have if it never happened. We're right to let the past go; bigger and better things will come from it. But god... dear god. You have showed me a life that has enabled me to live. Find your happiness, be your happiness. You deserve it, you deserve to drink that happiness by the drip, instantaneously invigorating you.
My best friend; I respect your every move, your every breath, your every thought, your every fuck up, your every success. I love you and your core. To be your friend would be my love. To experience your presence in the flesh would be a miracle. To sit with you under a tree and talk without talking, to hear our hearts accept each other, to fully respect each others choices and destiny in this embodiment.
I wish you the most fulfilling journey. Forever my roots will love you.
My love grew for you expeditiously, in a way that must remain in my eyes and in my hands, away from my groin and my heart. Your thunder made me kiss you back, I loved every moment of it. The love for you I didn't give before, I wanted so badly to give to you. I wanted you to unravel me, liberate me as you'd put it. I wanted you to make me moan, in a way that wasn't forced but came from a place that had no where else to go but pour out of me and thank you. I wanted to kiss your body all over, and lick you up and down, I wanted to tease you in a way that you couldn't resist. To push you away and have you pull me back closer. I wanted to dance with you those passions and electricity, those energies that once went stale but were then in the flesh, in the air, in our breath.
Beyond that horizon of bubbly flame was our intuition that seemed to never leave. Our conversations were relapsing into rational time, but we understood before the words even came out. There was a bursting in our chest that rose to our throats to spill out, but when we did we found it useless. There was nothing that we really had to say that we didn't already feel each other feel. As if the previous nights we had spoken and conversed, and lived the words we hadn't yet said.
You're my best friend; some how my love for you deepened and my loyalty has grown stronger. You are healing my wounds and I truly hope that I am healing yours.
It all happened for a reason, we've grown more than we might have if it never happened. We're right to let the past go; bigger and better things will come from it. But god... dear god. You have showed me a life that has enabled me to live. Find your happiness, be your happiness. You deserve it, you deserve to drink that happiness by the drip, instantaneously invigorating you.
My best friend; I respect your every move, your every breath, your every thought, your every fuck up, your every success. I love you and your core. To be your friend would be my love. To experience your presence in the flesh would be a miracle. To sit with you under a tree and talk without talking, to hear our hearts accept each other, to fully respect each others choices and destiny in this embodiment.
I wish you the most fulfilling journey. Forever my roots will love you.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Coffee Sweet and Burnt Earthy Smog
Coffee is sweet.
It is smooth and jazzy, frothy and warm and dry, yet so full of life.
Coffee reminds me of the 50's era; that sepia twang and shades of hazel and pecan in every skirt, couch and table.
The milky thickness like dripping butter, splashes of gold with every twinkle dangling from a little silver spoon, covered in that sticky brown sugar that sticks to it like an old tarnished bike left in the rain for too many years, as it sits their eagerly in all it's beaming-ness, in hope for another dunking into the cappuccino.
Plop goes in the sugar, and as you swirl around that sticky tarnished spoon, the hot foam and dutch chocolate tangos into an erotic swedish dance. Like a Spanish and a Swede making love in the white sands of Napoli. Raw sparks of sugar seducing the couple as they come together under roaring blinking stars and an eager mouth of a young Australian girl, ready to gulp the story down in one steaming sip.
And out breaths the morning coffee breath, the dehydrated, dry bitter scent that repels any good looking boy's lips.
Coffee is a jealous teenage hottie. You crave her and sip her up, down to her last drop and she loves it. She craves you as much as you crave her. She urges you for more, you lick her up all over. and you love it. But she hates the other girls in your life, she hates the potential cuties that might make you laugh, smile or potentially, passionately make out with you. So she grabs your tongue, and ties a knot in the far back of your throat. So rough and jagged that you can't bare to open your mouth and ask for help, for a kiss, for a laugh. So she has you, wrapped up in her coffee stench and haze of burnt earthy smog.
Coffee is like that; a love hate relationship, the addictive kind.
It is smooth and jazzy, frothy and warm and dry, yet so full of life.
Coffee reminds me of the 50's era; that sepia twang and shades of hazel and pecan in every skirt, couch and table.
The milky thickness like dripping butter, splashes of gold with every twinkle dangling from a little silver spoon, covered in that sticky brown sugar that sticks to it like an old tarnished bike left in the rain for too many years, as it sits their eagerly in all it's beaming-ness, in hope for another dunking into the cappuccino.
Plop goes in the sugar, and as you swirl around that sticky tarnished spoon, the hot foam and dutch chocolate tangos into an erotic swedish dance. Like a Spanish and a Swede making love in the white sands of Napoli. Raw sparks of sugar seducing the couple as they come together under roaring blinking stars and an eager mouth of a young Australian girl, ready to gulp the story down in one steaming sip.
And out breaths the morning coffee breath, the dehydrated, dry bitter scent that repels any good looking boy's lips.
Coffee is a jealous teenage hottie. You crave her and sip her up, down to her last drop and she loves it. She craves you as much as you crave her. She urges you for more, you lick her up all over. and you love it. But she hates the other girls in your life, she hates the potential cuties that might make you laugh, smile or potentially, passionately make out with you. So she grabs your tongue, and ties a knot in the far back of your throat. So rough and jagged that you can't bare to open your mouth and ask for help, for a kiss, for a laugh. So she has you, wrapped up in her coffee stench and haze of burnt earthy smog.
Coffee is like that; a love hate relationship, the addictive kind.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Upside-Down Toffee Banana Cake
You heard me. That's right, toffee and banana, in one glorious, smoodgy, sweet heaven.
Upside-Down Toffee Banana Cake.
adapted from Women's Weekly - Best Food Desserts
adapted from Women's Weekly - Best Food Desserts
You know when kisses are sooo good you just want to fall into them? Fall into sugary tenderness and eat the face off the person - but you don't, cause you're better than that. and nobody likes those kind of kisses - well FINALLY, I have found a cake that describes that feeling, and this time there is no excuse to NOT maul the face off of it.
However, beware, if you have diabetes or consume sugar regularly.. don't even sniff this baby. DONT EVEN. He's too good for you. You won't be able to handle his blonde tuffs of banana and crackly toffee coating. Hell even I couldn't, now look at me.. *sigh* cooking and eating cake all my days.. we still talking about the cake? Sorry my bad. Anyway, in my opinion, toffee and banana is worth an extra half kg or two.
1 cup caster sugar
1 cup water
2.5 med bananas
2 eggs, lightly beaten
2/3 cup olive oil
3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1tsp vanilla extract
2/3 plain flour
1/3 wholemeal self-raising flour
2tsp mixed spice
1tsp bi-carb soda
1 cup mashed bananas (about 3.5 med very ripe bananas)
1.Preheat oven to 180ºC. Grease deep 22cm-round cake pan; line base with baking paper
2.stir caster sugar and water in medium saucepan over heat, without boiling, until sugar dissolves; bring to a boil. Boil, uncovered without stirring, about 10 minutes (med-high heat) or until caramel in colour. Pour toffee into prepared pan; top with sliced banana (I recommend long ways, circular pieces doesn't turn out as pretty as I thought)
3. Combine eggs, oil, brown sugar and extract in medium bowl. Stir in sifted(3x) dry ingredients, then mashed banana; pour mixture into prepared pan. Bake, uncovered, in moderate oven for about 36-40 minutes.
Wait a few minutes before turning onto wire rack, or turn upside down onto plate and slowly release pan case.
Serve warm, or room temperature for a crunchier toffee coating.
1 cup water
2.5 med bananas
2 eggs, lightly beaten
2/3 cup olive oil
3/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1tsp vanilla extract
2/3 plain flour
1/3 wholemeal self-raising flour
2tsp mixed spice
1tsp bi-carb soda
1 cup mashed bananas (about 3.5 med very ripe bananas)
1.Preheat oven to 180ºC. Grease deep 22cm-round cake pan; line base with baking paper
2.stir caster sugar and water in medium saucepan over heat, without boiling, until sugar dissolves; bring to a boil. Boil, uncovered without stirring, about 10 minutes (med-high heat) or until caramel in colour. Pour toffee into prepared pan; top with sliced banana (I recommend long ways, circular pieces doesn't turn out as pretty as I thought)
3. Combine eggs, oil, brown sugar and extract in medium bowl. Stir in sifted(3x) dry ingredients, then mashed banana; pour mixture into prepared pan. Bake, uncovered, in moderate oven for about 36-40 minutes.
Wait a few minutes before turning onto wire rack, or turn upside down onto plate and slowly release pan case.
Serve warm, or room temperature for a crunchier toffee coating.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Trust, Life Keeps Happening.
Life keeps happening.
The little water droplets on blue hazy gum tree leaves, peddling themselves off the pointy edge, down through the air, basketing into a pool of brown mash under the huge floral and blanketed trunks, white and smooth, thick and strong, like a god's arms sprouting out to hold the millions of lives in his palms.
You gotta' let things ride, let them pass by, let them come and go and come back again. Nothing is ever for certain, and sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we thought or the way we want it to. But you have to keep strong; if it is your time to tumble off the little gum leaf away from your fellow rain droplets, cavaliering through a wind tunnel to finally meet your new stage of life in the earth and soil, then it is. And only the wind and gravity can control that. Only life.
Somehow or another, regardless of the extent we go to, to try and change our future, make things happen.. there is a voice in us that tells us it will all be okay, and there is no need for splatted discharge of emotions and complication, you just need to trust in life.
The little water droplets on blue hazy gum tree leaves, peddling themselves off the pointy edge, down through the air, basketing into a pool of brown mash under the huge floral and blanketed trunks, white and smooth, thick and strong, like a god's arms sprouting out to hold the millions of lives in his palms.
You gotta' let things ride, let them pass by, let them come and go and come back again. Nothing is ever for certain, and sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we thought or the way we want it to. But you have to keep strong; if it is your time to tumble off the little gum leaf away from your fellow rain droplets, cavaliering through a wind tunnel to finally meet your new stage of life in the earth and soil, then it is. And only the wind and gravity can control that. Only life.
Somehow or another, regardless of the extent we go to, to try and change our future, make things happen.. there is a voice in us that tells us it will all be okay, and there is no need for splatted discharge of emotions and complication, you just need to trust in life.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Testing
When will the world stop testing me? Never; "The soul feeds off mystery". But I've had enough of fucking mystery. I'm sick of thinking about J aaalll day long, asking myself, questioning myself consistently on how I'm feeling about the whole situation, if I flirt back to the guy who's flirting with me or don't I? Do I tell J I'm interested but don't want to be the one that always initiates things with people, or do I wait to see what life brings, wait to see if he initiates things with me.
I believe that if a guy really wants you, they'll make it happen.
I'm completely exhausted, I'm so sick of thinking. I just want some intimacy with someone without thinking, without words. Just.. being. Not necessarily being physical, just, being.
All I have to say is, fuck this shit.
I believe that if a guy really wants you, they'll make it happen.
I'm completely exhausted, I'm so sick of thinking. I just want some intimacy with someone without thinking, without words. Just.. being. Not necessarily being physical, just, being.
All I have to say is, fuck this shit.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Inspirational Fearlessness
The prospect of traveling alone scares the crap out of me. Sure I've had an upper hand and traveled to europe in my growing up, I kind of know what to expect in Thailand, Indonesia, Hong Kong. But I don't really know what is out there. In a sense, me traveling by myself on foreign land is just as much my first time traveling as it is the next person; that is scary.
I always kind of thought I'd be okay traveling by myself. But even now just working, taking the responsibility of my own banking, transportation and food, that has taken it's toll; already I've found myself stressing about money and I haven't even scampered out from under the roof of my parents.
I'm on my lonesome. There is no back up plan to life, there is no person that is going to hold my hand through the journey and tell me that it's all going to be okay when I'm freaking out about something-or-rather. I have to be my own back up plan, my own hand to hold my other, have my own hawk-like eyes to watch the every move of local men and thieves in the outer regions of the land so my life-rug isn't fanned from under my legs.
I have to say, I am ridiculously, tremendously, trying-not-to-be--indulgently attracted to my ex-boyfriend. He's taking a year off and seeing the world, it's amazing and I am so so happy for him. And with that has come my wild attraction for him. Always wanting what I can't have, loving the daring, inspired by the courageous and fearless. It's terrible, really. But I can't help it. I don't even see him and he turns me on.
In saying that, I am completely okay with being just friends. Truly.
And you know what else? Hormones are crazy little things that make up the majority of the entirety of our body, but even though I want to have sex like crazy, there are so many better opportunities and experiences that are waiting to happen. It can be easy to forget that, to get sucked into the parties and social gatherings you see on social networks, but just forget about it, let it all go. Life isn't happening on the computer, it's not even happening too much at parties (unless you're really really really into parties :P) but it's happening out THERE! Out there in LIFE. Out in the African jungles with the apes and snakes, in the mongolian dust and sand, in the hilly slopes and peaks of South America, with the goats and dogs, in the ocean salt of Greece, the jelly fish and donkeys. Or at least, that is where it is at for me at the moment.
I always kind of thought I'd be okay traveling by myself. But even now just working, taking the responsibility of my own banking, transportation and food, that has taken it's toll; already I've found myself stressing about money and I haven't even scampered out from under the roof of my parents.
I'm on my lonesome. There is no back up plan to life, there is no person that is going to hold my hand through the journey and tell me that it's all going to be okay when I'm freaking out about something-or-rather. I have to be my own back up plan, my own hand to hold my other, have my own hawk-like eyes to watch the every move of local men and thieves in the outer regions of the land so my life-rug isn't fanned from under my legs.
I have to say, I am ridiculously, tremendously, trying-not-to-be--indulgently attracted to my ex-boyfriend. He's taking a year off and seeing the world, it's amazing and I am so so happy for him. And with that has come my wild attraction for him. Always wanting what I can't have, loving the daring, inspired by the courageous and fearless. It's terrible, really. But I can't help it. I don't even see him and he turns me on.
In saying that, I am completely okay with being just friends. Truly.
And you know what else? Hormones are crazy little things that make up the majority of the entirety of our body, but even though I want to have sex like crazy, there are so many better opportunities and experiences that are waiting to happen. It can be easy to forget that, to get sucked into the parties and social gatherings you see on social networks, but just forget about it, let it all go. Life isn't happening on the computer, it's not even happening too much at parties (unless you're really really really into parties :P) but it's happening out THERE! Out there in LIFE. Out in the African jungles with the apes and snakes, in the mongolian dust and sand, in the hilly slopes and peaks of South America, with the goats and dogs, in the ocean salt of Greece, the jelly fish and donkeys. Or at least, that is where it is at for me at the moment.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Grandparents
Seeing your grandparents is one of the most grounding and rewarding things you can do for yourself, and them.
It really brings you back down to earth, you recognise parts of yourself in them and remember that we don't live forever, our youth is not and cannot be sustained forever. Although it can be sad thinking these wonderful people will probably not live for another 50 years, it is easier to understand that with death brings new life and that one day their eyes will be the sand, their skin will be the ocean and their laugh will be the wind.
One day you will look at the world and remember all the beautiful memories with them, you remember them and see them in your everyday life; they have returned back to nature and blossomed into new buds.
Seeing your grandparents really embeds family values into you. The love you received as a child comes bubbling to the surface and all the fights, anguish and disrespect you have had at times towards your parents, dissipates and you suddenly would do absolutely anything in the world for them and everybody else in your life.
Ugliness does not exist; often we see old people and shudder, curse at them or think they're a waste of space, but when you get to connect and have the company of your grandparents it smacks you in the face that you don't really get ugly. Lines and wrinkles in your skin aren't horrible, bags under your eyes aren't disappointing, crooked fingers aren't disgusting. All of those things are beautiful and can just as much be a part of life as shitting your pants is, as an eight-month old.
Somehow, seeing your grandparents brings peace to your core. Your love expedites to everyone and everything.
It really brings you back down to earth, you recognise parts of yourself in them and remember that we don't live forever, our youth is not and cannot be sustained forever. Although it can be sad thinking these wonderful people will probably not live for another 50 years, it is easier to understand that with death brings new life and that one day their eyes will be the sand, their skin will be the ocean and their laugh will be the wind.
One day you will look at the world and remember all the beautiful memories with them, you remember them and see them in your everyday life; they have returned back to nature and blossomed into new buds.
Seeing your grandparents really embeds family values into you. The love you received as a child comes bubbling to the surface and all the fights, anguish and disrespect you have had at times towards your parents, dissipates and you suddenly would do absolutely anything in the world for them and everybody else in your life.
Ugliness does not exist; often we see old people and shudder, curse at them or think they're a waste of space, but when you get to connect and have the company of your grandparents it smacks you in the face that you don't really get ugly. Lines and wrinkles in your skin aren't horrible, bags under your eyes aren't disappointing, crooked fingers aren't disgusting. All of those things are beautiful and can just as much be a part of life as shitting your pants is, as an eight-month old.
Somehow, seeing your grandparents brings peace to your core. Your love expedites to everyone and everything.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
You make me want to die. turn into a rock and drop to the bottom of the ocean, watch you surf the waves above me, thats how I feel. If I just met you, you could read that and interoperate it in a way that describes falling in love. and now.. its a similar feeling.. but opposite. Its the opposite of falling in love.. yet... so similar, so intense, so powerful. It is familiar to love, only painful.
I don't know how you let go so easily, I envy it though.
Starting a new life is the most difficult thing ever, you not being around makes it even harder...
I had some faith, or hope.. or something in me before, about us being together again.. or meeting each other again and starting a fresh and not holding onto what we were in the past. But now, I'm acknowledging that you don't want any of that, we're not what we used to be, we're not together.
I feel like a cork board, studded with little pins stunting my surface, digging into my skin and flesh. and the shadows fall even deeper, even heavier they hang like ghosts dripping from a cold, wet tap.
I don't know how you let go so easily, I envy it though.
Starting a new life is the most difficult thing ever, you not being around makes it even harder...
I had some faith, or hope.. or something in me before, about us being together again.. or meeting each other again and starting a fresh and not holding onto what we were in the past. But now, I'm acknowledging that you don't want any of that, we're not what we used to be, we're not together.
I feel like a cork board, studded with little pins stunting my surface, digging into my skin and flesh. and the shadows fall even deeper, even heavier they hang like ghosts dripping from a cold, wet tap.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Something Like Hope
You know, I'm pretty sure J always thought that he'd be the one having to get over me for the longest amount of time, if/when we broke up. But it appears to be the opposite.
I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over him, I find other guys hot but I legitimately couldn't bring myself to flirt with them or go out of my way to get with them. I just remember J, I even got off to him the other night, which is something I have held back from doing the entire 2 months since we split up. And I have to say, it was probably the best orgasm I've ever given myself. All the time, some way or another he's always on my mind, I'm constantly on the look out for him, I travel home a certain way in hope of seeing him.
But I've only seen him once since we broke up, and especially since then, I just want him.
I can't deny that the uncertainty is playfully nice, but I have a feeling that it is not at all playful, I have a feeling sooner rather than later I'm going to be slapped in the emotional face and have to deal with him choosing to completely get over me and move on, that there is no 'play' between us, yet here I am still setting myself up for failure, false hoping myself that when we both turned around at the station when we walked off after seeing and talking to one another, it meant something.. something like hope.
I'm trying to get over him, I'm trying to fancy other people, not in an emotional way, but in a physical way. My body just doesn't want it.
I don't feel like I'm ever going to get over him, I find other guys hot but I legitimately couldn't bring myself to flirt with them or go out of my way to get with them. I just remember J, I even got off to him the other night, which is something I have held back from doing the entire 2 months since we split up. And I have to say, it was probably the best orgasm I've ever given myself. All the time, some way or another he's always on my mind, I'm constantly on the look out for him, I travel home a certain way in hope of seeing him.
But I've only seen him once since we broke up, and especially since then, I just want him.
I can't deny that the uncertainty is playfully nice, but I have a feeling that it is not at all playful, I have a feeling sooner rather than later I'm going to be slapped in the emotional face and have to deal with him choosing to completely get over me and move on, that there is no 'play' between us, yet here I am still setting myself up for failure, false hoping myself that when we both turned around at the station when we walked off after seeing and talking to one another, it meant something.. something like hope.
I'm trying to get over him, I'm trying to fancy other people, not in an emotional way, but in a physical way. My body just doesn't want it.
Regret is a Valuable Lesson
Regret is a Valuable Lesson
I regret a lot of things now a day. A lot of things I do that I never think I will and then I end up completely angry at myself for doing them, for giving into someones shit, for not speaking up for myself, for not putting my foot down, for not rejecting someone, for not telling someone to fuck off when I should have, for letting people waste my time.
I can't sit around and blame the world for my problems, I can't blame the men that pretend they know me in order for me to stop and talk to them so that they can try pick me up and then get annoyed when I lie and say I have a boyfriend and they literally ask me why I stopped for them, and it's a bloody good question, why did I do that/let that happen? But it fucking sucks having to answer it, or justify yourself, because you completely know you did the wrong thing, immensely in regard to yourself, and if it were in a different circumstance you could have easily done the wrong by someone else - and that is even more scary.
The problem is me, it is ourselves; habits, insecurities, naivety. It is not the cause, it is how we react to the cause that makes us disappointed in ourselves or proud of ourselves. thats the whole thing, reaction, not proaction.
I never used to believe in regrets. Now I do, but I am learning to only believe in them because they provide massive lessons to us, that may not be able to be learnt otherwise.
One day, when we have understood, learnt, challenged and grown, we will have the wisdom and experience that is valuable to help teach and provide rest-assuring comfort to others in similar positions. The worst thing about regrets is that they're often embarrassing, you know that you're better than that and that is exactly why you regret it. and so to admit it to other people is daunting, fucking terrifying and humiliating. But once you get yourself through it, the hard miles, the beat-up, the anger, you come out knowing that you have learnt from it and now it doesn't have to happen again, as long as you keep aware of yourself. From there, you will have a greater, stronger, more genuine ability to give assistance; a trustworthy, empathetic, compassionate personality.
Now the key isn't to think about your ability to help others in the future when they're in a similar situation, when you're in the dumps and humiliating remorse, or whatever the toll has been of the experience(whatever that may have been). The key is to focus on yourself, identify what went wrong and correct yourself, hard line engrain into your skin, blood and bones what it is that you want and who you want to be, and then you will naturally get to to a point where you will forgive yourself; from there you will be able to help others greatly.
I can't sit around and blame the world for my problems, I can't blame the men that pretend they know me in order for me to stop and talk to them so that they can try pick me up and then get annoyed when I lie and say I have a boyfriend and they literally ask me why I stopped for them, and it's a bloody good question, why did I do that/let that happen? But it fucking sucks having to answer it, or justify yourself, because you completely know you did the wrong thing, immensely in regard to yourself, and if it were in a different circumstance you could have easily done the wrong by someone else - and that is even more scary.
The problem is me, it is ourselves; habits, insecurities, naivety. It is not the cause, it is how we react to the cause that makes us disappointed in ourselves or proud of ourselves. thats the whole thing, reaction, not proaction.
I never used to believe in regrets. Now I do, but I am learning to only believe in them because they provide massive lessons to us, that may not be able to be learnt otherwise.
One day, when we have understood, learnt, challenged and grown, we will have the wisdom and experience that is valuable to help teach and provide rest-assuring comfort to others in similar positions. The worst thing about regrets is that they're often embarrassing, you know that you're better than that and that is exactly why you regret it. and so to admit it to other people is daunting, fucking terrifying and humiliating. But once you get yourself through it, the hard miles, the beat-up, the anger, you come out knowing that you have learnt from it and now it doesn't have to happen again, as long as you keep aware of yourself. From there, you will have a greater, stronger, more genuine ability to give assistance; a trustworthy, empathetic, compassionate personality.
Now the key isn't to think about your ability to help others in the future when they're in a similar situation, when you're in the dumps and humiliating remorse, or whatever the toll has been of the experience(whatever that may have been). The key is to focus on yourself, identify what went wrong and correct yourself, hard line engrain into your skin, blood and bones what it is that you want and who you want to be, and then you will naturally get to to a point where you will forgive yourself; from there you will be able to help others greatly.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Good Feeling Songs - Easy access when itunes is being a little bitch
Try Pleasuring yourself to this; it is heaven, bliss.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
"Thinkin' bout *her*, thinkin' bout me, thinkin' bout everything we're gonna be.. open my eyes, it was only just a dream"
When I heard the smile of stories in their eyes, their upbeat tones and shrugs of the situation's simplicity, I felt crushed; the world was suddenly grey-scale.
The hopeful beating in my chest stopped, I smiled off the gurgling tears, like rampant bacteria shoving themselves through Troys gates, they were so roaring and rigid, I swallowed them down my throat into a lump in my chest. I buried the tears like a little fairy digging a hole, curling up and sitting in it. and then eating her way further and further into the blackness, with mud smothered over her little round crimson face.
I tried to think about the boy as I lay in bed, naked and cold. The moon dripped into the room, the cool blue tinge tainting all the rancid colours of unkept materials that were scattered on the floor. I couldn't think about him without feeling hurt, without feeling gone and all was at an end. I couldn't feel a sense of comfort when I imagined him by my side. Sometimes it still doesn't feel as though anything happened.. it's just like a solid lump of time in history that I've tried to push away and forget. A feeling of amnesia but with a dry, salty taste of tears in my mouth whenever I attempt to unlock the solid lump.
My heart had to say goodbye those days ago.
Waking up; everything always seems fresh.. seems new. There is that moment when you first wake up when you don't think, you only feel, you're in your prime, in your animal. It is wonderful.
And then the thoughts come, words come into place as you try to logically reason and figure out what your feelings mean, and how they should be responded to.
I think I understand the boy. I think. actually, I feel it. But after what I had heard, everything changed. My body detached itself from any little pieces of hope it ever had managed to grasp onto in desperation.
Perhaps it is just the beginning of a big, tremendous turn over, with wonderful change and new life in me. But it is so scary and daunting knowing what is happening in the depths of my consciousness- or unconsciousness rather - yet still being tied to habits like a ball and chain.
I can only prey and do my very best to surpass and accept and move on from everything I was and currently am, into a self that I want to be. Unfortunately there is no room in my heart or mind for anybody else in an intimate sense, as much as my biology, habitual knowings and soul yearns for it, whilst I'm on this journey, at least, I really.. really don't think so.
A great big part of me still wants to be with the boy.. man.. guy... him. But there is so much fear in my heart. Fear of myself, of that ball and chain of my own demons.
But over time.. I guess, who doesn't love a great tackle to the ground, into the soil to plant a new sprout of life, from what was once utter fear?
The hopeful beating in my chest stopped, I smiled off the gurgling tears, like rampant bacteria shoving themselves through Troys gates, they were so roaring and rigid, I swallowed them down my throat into a lump in my chest. I buried the tears like a little fairy digging a hole, curling up and sitting in it. and then eating her way further and further into the blackness, with mud smothered over her little round crimson face.
I tried to think about the boy as I lay in bed, naked and cold. The moon dripped into the room, the cool blue tinge tainting all the rancid colours of unkept materials that were scattered on the floor. I couldn't think about him without feeling hurt, without feeling gone and all was at an end. I couldn't feel a sense of comfort when I imagined him by my side. Sometimes it still doesn't feel as though anything happened.. it's just like a solid lump of time in history that I've tried to push away and forget. A feeling of amnesia but with a dry, salty taste of tears in my mouth whenever I attempt to unlock the solid lump.
My heart had to say goodbye those days ago.
Waking up; everything always seems fresh.. seems new. There is that moment when you first wake up when you don't think, you only feel, you're in your prime, in your animal. It is wonderful.
And then the thoughts come, words come into place as you try to logically reason and figure out what your feelings mean, and how they should be responded to.
I think I understand the boy. I think. actually, I feel it. But after what I had heard, everything changed. My body detached itself from any little pieces of hope it ever had managed to grasp onto in desperation.
Perhaps it is just the beginning of a big, tremendous turn over, with wonderful change and new life in me. But it is so scary and daunting knowing what is happening in the depths of my consciousness- or unconsciousness rather - yet still being tied to habits like a ball and chain.
I can only prey and do my very best to surpass and accept and move on from everything I was and currently am, into a self that I want to be. Unfortunately there is no room in my heart or mind for anybody else in an intimate sense, as much as my biology, habitual knowings and soul yearns for it, whilst I'm on this journey, at least, I really.. really don't think so.
A great big part of me still wants to be with the boy.. man.. guy... him. But there is so much fear in my heart. Fear of myself, of that ball and chain of my own demons.
But over time.. I guess, who doesn't love a great tackle to the ground, into the soil to plant a new sprout of life, from what was once utter fear?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Where Is The Spirituality
Something has happened to my intuition, my spirituality, I'm not liking it.
Recently I have uncovered a bit of my past, a bit of how I work on a psychological level, it has been liberating and brilliant. I feel a lot more happy most of the time then I have in a really long time, no longer do I feel like there is some divine man out in the world that is especially for me, the prospect of that idea of course is wonderful, warming and comforting, but the reality is that, how often does that happen? How is there any way of me knowing for sure that I'm going to meet that man? I can't. I now believe that love is a choice, you have to work hard and make decisions, not let life just happen to you, but to direct life in the direct you want.
But with this restful sense of release, where I am no longer looking out for 'the one', I feel like I've also lost my intuition, my intuition that was so precise and intense. I feel like my love for animals is starting to fade, that my annoyance with a dog I looked after for two weeks has suddenly scoped me or something.. into a way of thinking about animals as just other living things. I feel like I'm taking my own pet for granted, I see her laying in the sun and I don't want to run up and cuddle her anymore.
Perhaps I am maturing. Perhaps it's that I acknowledge that animals where I live, have a good life, pets on the street don't want to be pet by a stranger, they want their owners. Perhaps I've learnt more about animal psychology so I'm less eager to be in their face and have them in mine.
Perhaps it is that all sorts of new things are happening in my life, I'm discovering who my real friends are, I've began working two new jobs where I've been able to express my love for food and have an outlet for my desire for human interaction. Perhaps I'm getting caught up in these new things and new people that I'm meeting, that I am forgetting my greater purpose.
Perhaps it is that I didn't get into the animal course that I wanted, when I found out, I cried and cried and cried and cried. Perhaps since then, alongside the hustle and bustle of new experiences I'm engaged with, I have pushed my passion for animals aside and began focussing on other things, so I don't wilt down and give up on life.
I've known all my life that animals are the reason I was born on this earth, I don't want to lose faith now. The trees don't speak to me anymore like they used to, I feel like nature is now an old friend that I desperately miss and want to reconnect with... but I'm unsure how to.
Recently I have uncovered a bit of my past, a bit of how I work on a psychological level, it has been liberating and brilliant. I feel a lot more happy most of the time then I have in a really long time, no longer do I feel like there is some divine man out in the world that is especially for me, the prospect of that idea of course is wonderful, warming and comforting, but the reality is that, how often does that happen? How is there any way of me knowing for sure that I'm going to meet that man? I can't. I now believe that love is a choice, you have to work hard and make decisions, not let life just happen to you, but to direct life in the direct you want.
But with this restful sense of release, where I am no longer looking out for 'the one', I feel like I've also lost my intuition, my intuition that was so precise and intense. I feel like my love for animals is starting to fade, that my annoyance with a dog I looked after for two weeks has suddenly scoped me or something.. into a way of thinking about animals as just other living things. I feel like I'm taking my own pet for granted, I see her laying in the sun and I don't want to run up and cuddle her anymore.
Perhaps I am maturing. Perhaps it's that I acknowledge that animals where I live, have a good life, pets on the street don't want to be pet by a stranger, they want their owners. Perhaps I've learnt more about animal psychology so I'm less eager to be in their face and have them in mine.
Perhaps it is that all sorts of new things are happening in my life, I'm discovering who my real friends are, I've began working two new jobs where I've been able to express my love for food and have an outlet for my desire for human interaction. Perhaps I'm getting caught up in these new things and new people that I'm meeting, that I am forgetting my greater purpose.
Perhaps it is that I didn't get into the animal course that I wanted, when I found out, I cried and cried and cried and cried. Perhaps since then, alongside the hustle and bustle of new experiences I'm engaged with, I have pushed my passion for animals aside and began focussing on other things, so I don't wilt down and give up on life.
I've known all my life that animals are the reason I was born on this earth, I don't want to lose faith now. The trees don't speak to me anymore like they used to, I feel like nature is now an old friend that I desperately miss and want to reconnect with... but I'm unsure how to.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Coco
Coco.
Milky coco, white and frothy. Hairy like a banana's old skin, soft like paletted nectar with little rose pedal shimmers soaking through the white ocean froth from the blotchy skin underneath.
Little brown eyes like cappuccino, dusty fog, rusty metallic silk.
A little daring attitude, completely playful and upbeat. Like nothing else she is completely unique, a heart of gold and a fearless smile of slobbery tongue and caring tooth kisses.
Wet nose like a winter fire; stormy and gushing down with rain, steaming up the hot plates of cobbles and cement.
Milky coco, white and frothy. Hairy like a banana's old skin, soft like paletted nectar with little rose pedal shimmers soaking through the white ocean froth from the blotchy skin underneath.
Little brown eyes like cappuccino, dusty fog, rusty metallic silk.
A little daring attitude, completely playful and upbeat. Like nothing else she is completely unique, a heart of gold and a fearless smile of slobbery tongue and caring tooth kisses.
Wet nose like a winter fire; stormy and gushing down with rain, steaming up the hot plates of cobbles and cement.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Need A New Life
I need to start a new life.. I need to find a way to get over my ex, stop getting heart broken by the new girls that come into his life that I see on fb that are exactly how I always imagined the structure to be, of the kind of girl he wanted to be with. I need to listen to all the old songs that remind me of him and think about new things, think about the living moment, the here and now. I need to stop going to the gym in aim of the body he'd liked me to have had. I need to laugh at all the shit I did where I fucked up, all the things I need to change about myself and say 'it was an experience'. I need to focus on what I want to enhance, and let go of all the rest.
They say wisdom comes from experience, so I guess all the hardship and mistakes will go to a good cause in the end; I will become wiser and stronger.
I need to dance because I adore dancing, and not worry how I'm doing it or who is seeing me do it. I need to talk to people that I want to be friends with, not expect them to befriend me. I need to get out of my shell. I need to experience most of life's experiences.
I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced.. but the decision is still rocky.
I need to go to bed and be happy that I am alive and that I have myself, if not anybody else.
I need to remember, my ex and I as being the past, great for what it was but now it is over.
I need to remember that we both agreed that breaking up was the best for both of us. I need to remember that he did love my body, he didn't want to be with anyone else. I was the one in the fault, I have been the one who has needed to change and appreciate somebody when I am with them, and not to focus on other people.
All I get is my karma. I will embrace all the bad shit that happens, but I want a new life away from the past at the same time.
Deleting and blocking everyone that has a connection to him is my first step. Perhaps I am 'running away', what else can I do?
They say wisdom comes from experience, so I guess all the hardship and mistakes will go to a good cause in the end; I will become wiser and stronger.
I need to dance because I adore dancing, and not worry how I'm doing it or who is seeing me do it. I need to talk to people that I want to be friends with, not expect them to befriend me. I need to get out of my shell. I need to experience most of life's experiences.
I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced.. but the decision is still rocky.
I need to go to bed and be happy that I am alive and that I have myself, if not anybody else.
I need to remember, my ex and I as being the past, great for what it was but now it is over.
I need to remember that we both agreed that breaking up was the best for both of us. I need to remember that he did love my body, he didn't want to be with anyone else. I was the one in the fault, I have been the one who has needed to change and appreciate somebody when I am with them, and not to focus on other people.
All I get is my karma. I will embrace all the bad shit that happens, but I want a new life away from the past at the same time.
Deleting and blocking everyone that has a connection to him is my first step. Perhaps I am 'running away', what else can I do?
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Birthday Foods
Today is a good friend's birthday, or at least it's the day myself and a few girls get together and pull one on the birthday girl, beyond her knowledge! She hasn't spent much time with us in months and months, so the last thing she'll expect from us is a birthday party, but we love her so much, how could we not?
Crepe Cake
Sweet, moist crepes stacked on top of one another, dripping with red and violet pillows of raspberries, blue berries and strawberries. Plump and gorgeous, and accompanying it sits a little pot of sugared whipped cream.
Bruschetta
Bruschetta is amazing. Crusty bread smothered in olive oil, flaxseed oil and garlic, topped with ruby red diced tomatoes, sweet basil and spicy red onion. It is the perfect summer dish that is delightful, light and oh-so explosive with flavour.
Crepe Cake
Sweet, moist crepes stacked on top of one another, dripping with red and violet pillows of raspberries, blue berries and strawberries. Plump and gorgeous, and accompanying it sits a little pot of sugared whipped cream.
Bruschetta
Bruschetta is amazing. Crusty bread smothered in olive oil, flaxseed oil and garlic, topped with ruby red diced tomatoes, sweet basil and spicy red onion. It is the perfect summer dish that is delightful, light and oh-so explosive with flavour.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Feelings and Groove
I felt the weirdest feeling today, a feeling that is so difficult to describe.. but I will try.
It was an anxious.. confusing.. happy.. wonderful.. scary, exciting, bubbly, stomach-dropping feeling.
I read my ex-boyfriends writing, it bloomed, it was so graceful, I could feel him in his writing. I love it, I crave his energy. I love his way of thinking! As much as I am and have been trying to become a kinder more loving, empathetic person, reading his writing is like.. dipping yourself into a pool of gold, a pool of goodness at it's core. He's like... listening to jesus talk and you're like.. wow you think and feel about things in ways I denied myself, in such ways that is so unusual from the norm.. I LOVE THAT! Absolutely adore it, his writing sets you on a little hand-made floating island of wood that you've knotted together into a raft, you have a book in your hands, a smile on your face, and the entire ocean around you to lavish yourself with.
This morning I went to a 'Groove' class, A-MAYZ-AING! I literally walked out of the class and down the road with a smile on my face. In the class you're encouraged to be yourself and move however feels good for you. The rational is that we all have different bodies and different personalities, so why should we move the same way? Why should we watch a teacher on stage and try to copy them? We're not them, our bodies feel different from theirs! So the class is laid out where you go around the room in all the corners nobody ever goes, you move the moves in a way that feels great for you! The energy is free flowing in the class, you have the odd person here and there who still holds them self back and you can see judgement in their eyes as they look at you and everybody else, but for the most part, you're making love to yourself, completely enriching yourself with your own love, smothering your skin in feel-good-sweat and a smile is tattooed onto your face. It is one of the most rewarding experiences and I highly recommend it to everyone! No matter what age, gender, health status, this class is for EVERYONE!
Live it up
Life is difficult, but oh so good
Life is delicious
Live it and eat it!
It was an anxious.. confusing.. happy.. wonderful.. scary, exciting, bubbly, stomach-dropping feeling.
I read my ex-boyfriends writing, it bloomed, it was so graceful, I could feel him in his writing. I love it, I crave his energy. I love his way of thinking! As much as I am and have been trying to become a kinder more loving, empathetic person, reading his writing is like.. dipping yourself into a pool of gold, a pool of goodness at it's core. He's like... listening to jesus talk and you're like.. wow you think and feel about things in ways I denied myself, in such ways that is so unusual from the norm.. I LOVE THAT! Absolutely adore it, his writing sets you on a little hand-made floating island of wood that you've knotted together into a raft, you have a book in your hands, a smile on your face, and the entire ocean around you to lavish yourself with.
This morning I went to a 'Groove' class, A-MAYZ-AING! I literally walked out of the class and down the road with a smile on my face. In the class you're encouraged to be yourself and move however feels good for you. The rational is that we all have different bodies and different personalities, so why should we move the same way? Why should we watch a teacher on stage and try to copy them? We're not them, our bodies feel different from theirs! So the class is laid out where you go around the room in all the corners nobody ever goes, you move the moves in a way that feels great for you! The energy is free flowing in the class, you have the odd person here and there who still holds them self back and you can see judgement in their eyes as they look at you and everybody else, but for the most part, you're making love to yourself, completely enriching yourself with your own love, smothering your skin in feel-good-sweat and a smile is tattooed onto your face. It is one of the most rewarding experiences and I highly recommend it to everyone! No matter what age, gender, health status, this class is for EVERYONE!
Live it up
Life is difficult, but oh so good
Life is delicious
Live it and eat it!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Circle Of Life
I'm starting to forget. It's what I always dreaded, and the thought of it is worse than the reality, because you can remember logically how you used to feel about something, you feel bad for changing, it's scary when emotionally, you start to forget, because you can't really prepare for it.
You start to forget what it was like to kiss the person, you forget the feeling you felt when you were in love. I guess it's not that you forget as such, but you realise you don't feel the same way anymore, and in that way it appears to you, and you rationalise it; that it's you forgetting, not moving on- I guess. Because like I said, logically you remember talking to the person about these kinds if issues, never wanting to be apart from them.... So when you stop crying and you get used to not being with them anymore, and being in the position you always hoped you wouldn't be in, you realise that life happens, life keeps happening and you will be okay. And that can be confronting.
It can also be good though, it makes you realise that you can do and have anything in life and you really have nothing to be scared of, because everything comes to an end eventually; that's the circle if life.
Whilst saying that, it is difficult to accept. But unless you stay in the present, you'll give rise to demons, become depressed or regret your whole life, which isn't a good thing.
You start to forget what it was like to kiss the person, you forget the feeling you felt when you were in love. I guess it's not that you forget as such, but you realise you don't feel the same way anymore, and in that way it appears to you, and you rationalise it; that it's you forgetting, not moving on- I guess. Because like I said, logically you remember talking to the person about these kinds if issues, never wanting to be apart from them.... So when you stop crying and you get used to not being with them anymore, and being in the position you always hoped you wouldn't be in, you realise that life happens, life keeps happening and you will be okay. And that can be confronting.
It can also be good though, it makes you realise that you can do and have anything in life and you really have nothing to be scared of, because everything comes to an end eventually; that's the circle if life.
Whilst saying that, it is difficult to accept. But unless you stay in the present, you'll give rise to demons, become depressed or regret your whole life, which isn't a good thing.
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