Selfishness

Everything you said was true. The selfishness, the reason why I have been, what I have thought is 'okay'.
I know it's not okay, none of it has ever been okay. One part of me gets so fricken confused and finds life overwhelming at times like these; a lot of stuff goes over my head, I find it hard to create and stick to guidelines that I set down for myself, I want to give it up and lock myself away until I eventually die. But I know that's stupid, I know there is no point whatsoever feeling sorry for myself and hating my OCD's, my impulses, my bad feelings and fucking selfish attitude. Because yeah, hating accomplishes nothing. except, I guess, somewhat provide motivation to change it, if there wasn't already one. But I don't want to change because of that, I want to change because no matter who I live around, meet, talk to, live with, love in my life, I am going to make them unhappy and also cause myself pain, if I let self-pitty and self-angst and confusion get the better of me instead of putting my foot down to myself and 'just saying no' like I thought it was that simple for addicts to just say no... I'm ridiculous.
I don't know why I turned out like this, or how anyone has turned out the way they have. I definitely don't know how people have kept surviving, but it is the reason I have any hope.
I don't expect you to be perfect, okay, well I have expected you to be perfect. But that isn't right, I don't want to live like that. and I don't want or need you to be perfect. I said to my mum a couple weeks ago, "a persons imperfections are what make them so perfect", so today I stopped trying to flatten the creases on your pj pants when we were lying next to each other. Because although it is seemingly insignificant, it's subliminal and therefore stupendously significant. (I have no idea where on earth these words (such as 'stupendous' come from, but they work)
and there goes my OCD again, 'should I put a full-stop at the end of the previous sentence? what is the feeling behind whether I do or not? Will a bad spirit take over me depending what decision I make?'
How fucked up am I?
But whatever, it matters, but it doesn't matter right now.
I want to be the best person I can be for you, for myself, and for the entire world. I am going to try my hardest, and I know you have read blog posts before telling you similar things, and I have told you similar things, but I understand that if I don't change, we won't be together. it's do or die, that's not my motivation either but, well, it is, but not in a... way that it sounded. I'm not doing it because I wont be with you if I don't, I'm doing it because I don't want to, and you don't deserve to stay in a relationship with someone that is selfish to you, period.
I'm sorry.
I want to be with you. Yes I have had doubts at times, for stupid fucking reasons like 'he's not dancing or isn't as into dancing as much as me' but seriously.. if we were any more alike than we are, we'd be the same person. It's such a GREAT thing that we have our differences, and you put it into perspective for me. The songs were shit, I dance when I'm out because I know I'm good at it and I feel the need for constant attention from other people; I promise you that is NOT your fault. I was like that long before I even knew you, it isn't at all because you're not good enough for me, because we both know quite frankly that is the complete opposite of our dynamics. I don't dance at parties because I love dancing, because otherwise I wouldn't care what, how or where I did it. I'd just do it. and it's the same reason why I love dressing up at parties, yes dressing up is fun, but to get as worked up about it as I did yesterday, was not for my own self enjoyment, it was to say 'hey I'm the most wild, out there girl at this party, you'll never measure up to me, and I'm taken'. Living life like its a big fucking show production. It kind of scares me how much I fall into personalities as well. But how do I find the balance?
I feel so far from understanding myself, I don't know if you'll be around to see the day I'm completely changed, but I promise I will try my hardest, no matter what. and you coming into my life had been a blessing. our fights, have been a blessing that I don't know how I deserve, because you.. barely ever are in the wrong when we fight, or any of the time. yeah sometimes, but I cant think of when, other than last weekend, but even then you weren't in the 'wrong', you were being honest.. and experiencing changes in your body. thats not wrong. its wrong of me to think it's wrong.

Well, whatever goes from here, whatever life has for us,
although it hasn't been a verb, if (god forbid) I don't prove changed enough for the better in our relationship, I have and do love you. and (god forbid) you look 'back at us', know, that, although I (god forbid) have been the one to (god forbid) destroy us and you (god forbid) will, be angry at me. I will not and I promise, will not, speak or think about you in a negative way. I will always speak fondly of you. passionately fond of you. like passionate fondue.