Genuine

Jade and I are a really great couple, people cant imagine us with anyone else but each other and either can we.
But I so desperately want us to have a happy relationship, not be constantly untrusting of each other - which I know at times has been perfectly understandable - or be so angry with one another every time we see each other. I was into him the second we spoke "we just clicked", we did, I told everyone I knew that I liked him and that we had SO much in common with each other! We would speak for hours and hours!
In the last year and a half it seems like we've forgotten who we fell in love with. Who did I fall in love with? Who did he fall in love with?
From day one I was always attracted to his kind heart, I liked that he believed in astrology and other 'sudo-sciences' because it showed he wasn't just another guy, he wasn't average, he was different and similar to me. I really liked his flirting, the way he subtly took charge. I loved the way he'd insist on reading my diary, he made me feel cute and silly girly and he was so cool about it, smooth, but I could tell he really liked me still. I really liked the fact that we just came together, there wasn't any awkwardness in the way we went about our first kiss or started going out. I was excited to share him with my family, to introduce them to the sweet Buddhist who was amazingly fantastic in bed (I didn't share that with them!). But a 'sweet buddhist' doesn't sum him up, it sounds so impedimently opposite? Not opposite, but he's so much more! I love his aggressive side, when he's happy and assertive, his funny 'weird' side when he's making a joke and he sticks his tongue out of his mouth heaps, his broad smile that could engulf his whole face its so grand! His soft cheeks, the SMOOTHNESS of his chest is heavenly, the soft prickles of his beard growing and all its firey redness glowing.
I don't like that we fight so much, laughing with you makes me the happiest I could be. Sometimes I see this part of you that blows me away, I ADORE it and I am completely yours, but then -like out of no where-but usually because of me- I only usually see your protective side, your anguish towards my every doing, my dreams that you have too. I thought we spoke last week and said we'd be okay if we had friends of the opposite sex.
I know its hard for us because we're in exam period, our bodies want sex immensely, we have an amazing connection. I need you to understand that I'm not who I want to be yet. I look at other guys when we have fights and the prospect of us not being together comes up, I get jealous when you talk to other girls but then feel like you shouldn't get jealous when I talk to guys, I 'like the sound of my own voice' and often just want to talk about myself, I find it hard to accept your family's radical views, buddhism still gets to me sometimes, I get angry really easily and swear and sometimes I see my really aggressive side come out. I don't like these things about myself, I am changing though and look forward to the days I can look back and go "I was young and naive", I see myself at 40 being a happy, slightly plump, tan woman with worked hands, making cakes and pies and absolutely adoring my husband more than ever, being humble and solitude yet warm and bubbly, full of affection and love, the luscious woman who is kind and gentle, yet strong and full of willpower, respectful and open-minded, accepting, wise and giving advice, that although may not asthetically look like a sex goddess, the kind of woman you want to come home to at night because you know my large breasts are better than any perky 20 year olds and my warm dinners kick ass, I listen to what you have to say and don't judge your looks, actions, thoughts or words. I'll be able to handle criticism better, and change more quickly, be more aware of myself, carefree in my attitude towards the small troubles in life but so strongly serious in my ethics and philosophy.
I'm not perfect now, I'm not close. I really hope you still want to be with me and continue to want to be with me. I hope we can find our way out of this cycle of mellow depression we've seemed to dig ourselves into (I didn't mean for that to sound as bad as it does). I am becoming the person I want to be.
I'm sorry for hurting you, I know I haven't deserved your full trust in this relationship, I understand that it takes time and I will be patient. sometimes I'm not patient though and I come out with insensitive comments or actions.
I'm both in love with you and loving you, yet not entirely both. Do you know what I mean?
I'm in love with you but I find it hard to see the light when we fight, I love who you are as a person but sometimes you really aggravate me. I think you feel the same way.
I'm also sorry for not being able to say this in real life.. it takes me so long to speak out loud, I cant do much when put on the spot. I also feel like in real life I have to convince you, and then I never end up sounding genuine.